AIBU not wanting to take stepchild on last minute holiday?

[froglet15327]

Have just decided last minute I want to go on holiday for child’s 1st birthday just to a caravan park due to money being on the low side (I could do with the break more than anyone). I feel awful but I don’t want ss to come which I know last minute mil is going to suggest we do. SS is 9 and at the best of times very difficult to deal with, throws a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, demands absolutely everything, swears( which makes me so uncomfortable) and sometimes back chats or just becomes very rude towards me when I’ve asked him something. I really want just a calm easy holiday and I know it won’t be that if he comes. He’s going on holiday abroad for his birthday next month with his mother so it’s not like he never goes on holiday and he went with his dad twice last year whilst I was pregnant.

His mum has no relationship to the OP’s child. The OP is considering vacationing with the boys father - there is a relationship there.

Sounds like your DH is a shit parent to his son, he needs to step up.

I'd go on my own with baby.

But, I have to ask; why on earth did you have another child in this situation?

OP is asking for support related to her family. It is not kind or helpful to comment on the OPs grammar/phrasing.

You are only human and would prefer to holiday alone. You are allowed to feel that way.

But - all your posts are projecting blame onto others; mother in law, the 9 year old kid. Is there any place here where you look at the utter incompetence and infantalisation of the man you have married? You are enable that.

If you found a way to accept this is not everyone else's fault, that MIL should not be doing all this child rearing ffs- which of course suits you.

The bigger issue is why dad does not care for his child properly. You are both a write off in terms of any value to the 9 year old and might as well cut your losses and ensure the granny is financial supported adequately along with mum to do the child rearing.

I don't know why you didn't book the holiday during term time, your baby wouldn't care that it's not her first birthday. A birthday means nothing to a one year old and you could still celebrate it at home on the day. However it's too late for that now, unless you wait until September. I always enjoyed spring and autumn holidays.

That's really sad. The poor little boy. He never stays with his dad? Wow. How can you want to have a child with a man who doesn't parent the child he already has?

I honestly think that myself most days

Honestly, the relationship sounds chaotic, if you leave your husband, would you be willing to deal directly with MIL as it seems your husband is weak and has absolutely no problems handing his children over to his mother?

Your SS is part of your family, you might need to sit down with DH and SS and lay down new rules (that don’t include MIL).
”SS, would you like to come on holiday with us for DD’s birthday? There will be rules. You will sleep in your own bed, there will be no swearing, we will all have a lovely time together as a family…” see if he actually wants to accept those rules. Is he misbehaving because he’s doing whatever it takes to get attention so he isn’t forgotten?
MIL isn’t invited, simple as that.
Tell your husband to get a grip, back you up, SS sleeps at your house now by himself.

If your MIL keeps telling you stay out of it and your husband is shrugging his shoulders and won’t back you up, I don’t really see a way this will get better.

MIL can’t tell you to ‘stay out of it’ on the one hand, and then, on the other hand, expect you to take the child on holiday with you, in my opinion, @froglet15327! She can’t have it both ways.

OP, your step son's mum, dad and grandmother are responsible for the mess and you cannot fix it. It is horrible to see a child you care about get such a poor upbringing but I honestly think all you're doing by sticking with the relationship is risking yourself and your DD. If I were you I'd honestly leave because the stress of watching the car crash is not good for you. Take a weekend for just you and DD. Use the time to really consider if you'd be happier if it were just the two of you.

You’re absolutely right here and no I wouldn’t deal with mil directly as in all honesty I don’t trust her to have my dd. I tried last year with the sleeping in own bed but he then cried and wanted to go back to his mothers. I’ve honestly tried and tried for the last 3-4 years and I feel it has got to the stage that I’m wanting a divorce just to be out of it

This is absolutely how it is!!!!

It’s their child’s sibling so there is a sort of relationship. OP isn’t ss mum.

I grew up with a blended family. It worked fine for us to go on holiday with one parent

Caravan break is a good chance for this y9ung boy to bond with his father and learn models of good behaviour. Dad and son can spend time out and about
Boy sems to have anxiety eg sleeping so good chance for dad to spend dedicated time

I think you're fine to go just you and your DD. You can't take your SS if he has to sleep in the bed with you - that's actually quite odd at 9 years old and suggests he has some deep attachment issues.

Your MIL and husband are a problem but just go away and give yourself a few days headspace.

I have honestly tried so hard for something to change but nothing works. SSM only has him 2-3 nights a week, she ships him off to her dads because she needs a “break”. I honestly feel so helpless on this whole situation but it’s draining me and I have honestly got to the point where I think I can’t cope with it anymore. I know I sound horrible in saying this but I feel like because everyone else doesn’t actually step up why should I?

Rubbish. Your DH capitulated as this was an easy route for him. A good dad would have refused. Why you would then have a baby with such a man is a head scratcher.

I don’t blame you, it sounds like you’re trapped in hell.
I’d kidnap my own child out of the country before letting my MIL have my children unsupervised.
Does your husband know how close you are to throwing the towel in? Maybe it would be the kick he needs.

Jesus Christ, who are you people and how on earth do you live like this!? The poor little boy being passed from pillar to post. You all need to grow up.

Ss behaviours are communication he clearly struggling and his dad is weak and ineffective
Maybe divorce is best after this week away
Then ss is not op's problem any more

Well, she has and she can't put the baby back in now so no point berating her for it.

The problem right now is what to do about her stepson.

Why did you choose to have a baby with this man then?

If you want to go away just you and your baby, then do that.

I would also consider squirreling the money away instead because there is a good chance you will want to exit this situation with your child eventually.

You have bigger problems than this caravan holiday