Frustrating bank holiday Monday with stepkids

[Stepmum900]

I’m step mum to two 5 y/o twins.
They had a great 12 hour sleep at mine and their dad’s house Sunday night so Monday I took them to a free event with a bubble disco with dancing and kids songs, clown etc. it was in and out doors and nice and cool indoors.
they sat there with a face on, not wanting to participate. I’d told them we would go to the park later to the water splash pad. They kept saying are we going there yet etc. Moaning when we got lunch and had to wait for it to be cooked. I provided colouring for them which DSS threw across the table to me as he didn’t want to do it.

we left after lunch to the splash pad. Both started crying and DSS kicked off cos he wanted to be the one to direct the water jets which the bigger kids were operating (it’s like a big water gun in the park with sprinklers etc). Then crying that he was getting wet.
I had enough and took them off to the grass to dry off (they were barely wet!) saying they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.
then they were crying cos they wanted an ice cream but I said no. Dad was saying if you’re good you can have one from the shop later which annoyed me as I felt they were acting spoilt and it was also going to spoil their tea filling up on rubbish.
how would you have acted with step children like this? It left me feeling very frustrated there was no pleasing them. When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!
When I took them back to their mums later DSS said he’d been crying as he wanted ice cream, seeming to omit that he had actually had some after tea!!

Please don't bend over backwards , it won't make any difference for 5 Yr olds to know this . You don't sound as if you like them very much and you sound immature. Leave any discipline to their parents , it will never be your job . They're just typical 5 Yr olds so don't try and play happy families just support your partner when he has them . My children's step mother was a horror to my children and I wish I'd known at the time I'd have stopped her having anything to do with them .

Do you then tell them they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.?

That is what people are criticising op for. It’s an appalling thing to say to any DC.

This is why I never had a relationship with a man with kids.

I have no desire and even less interest, in spending my weekend doing things geared towards children I haven’t even spawned.

Kids whine and are ungrateful - that’s their nature!
They have no reference point to appreciate what you’re doing. They just go with it. Or not.
I’d call this relationship a day.

Even though you say you have experience with kids via your nieces, it really doesn’t sound like you know anything about little kids. This is very normal kid behaviour. They are not very rational, they don’t understand gratitude the way adults do.
And don’t even get me started on tweens & teens 😩

Less is more at that age in the heat. I would do one outdoor thing with an ice cream break in the middle, with a tree to nap under for shade to spend as much time outside. Splashed great to keep them cool/

Probably too much on a hot day, maybe one activity per day.

I can have a day with one or both children doing this. Kids have bad days. The heat is awful for my two at times. We dont always get it right trying to entertain kids. If dad usually has boundaries and discipline. I wouldn’t worry too much.

She is acting like it

The disco thing would not work for my youngest, he would have outrightly refused to even go in. I would have loved it as a kid but some kids absolutely hate that kind of thing

You tried the activity, now you know they don't like that kind of thing at all so you can at least tick that off as a no go for future.
One activity is enough in a day as well. So I think you over planned the day. It sounds lovely and you sound lovely for trying to make it a lovely day buy it was all too much.
We actually cancelled all our plans on Monday and Tuesdag as we had a nice couple of things booked but decided it would be a nightmare and just got the sprinkler out and chilled at home due to the heat.
Busy places are also an absolute nightmare with small kids, they were probably hotz overwhelmed and over stimulated.
I would have just bought the ice cream and headed home and cut the day short at the first sign of it becoming a stressful and not fun experience.
Theres loads of easy fun things you can do at home too with 5 year olds. Invest in home based things that you can use over and again. With the occassional day out but just do one thing at a time.
Also simple things like near us there is a woods with a cafe, the promise of a hot chocolate or ice cream and a walk through the woods can be very appealing to them.
A lot of the paid events like these mini raves and things like that are just too much stimulation and you end up with over tired horrible kids who arent enjoying it..
Ive taken my child to mini golf even and had to leave half way through as they were just not enjoying it and being really horrible.
Ive also taken my kids to things like adventure playground an hour away where they ran off near a lake when we got there and I have just put them back in the car and drove straight back home as the worry and stress was not worth staying and they were clearly not going to enjoy it how ai thought they would.. and it was dangerous to be there by a lake when they might run off.
Sometimes just cut your losses, take the easy way out. Buy the icecream and go home.

Sounds like 5yo’s, think they’re going to enjoy what you plan for them then they sit there with a face like thunder whinging 😂 that’s a lot of activities for one day they might have been a bit overwhelmed though in all seriousness, some kids just wouldn’t cope with that amount of things to do in a day. Especially when the temperature is oven like.

Sounds like typical 5 year olds to me. Overwhelmed, hot and irrational. Kids basically

I also read from it that you planned an activity with the best of intentions but they didn’t want to do it they wanted to be at the splash pad and it took forever and a day to get there. Then you wouldn’t let them have an ice cream. It’s not the same having some at home later. If you want them to have a nice day try letting them lead a bit more on what they want to do and now what you think they should want to do.

Days out with kids are difficult, they can be amazing and rewarding and the making of great memories, but there's a lot of tears, tantrums and attitude mixed in with that. As PPs said they don't really understand gratitude etc at that stage but I totally understand your frustration and it probably hurt. My only advice for the future is don't tell them too much about what the plans are. My kids, in particular my son, would get fixated on what we had said was, or even might be, happening later and he would have been the same or constantly asking 'when are we going to the splash park.' In future I'd suggest telling them about the fun activity for the morning, and then when you're leaving that tell them about the next fun activity. It saves the situation you had and also if the second activity doesn't end up happening for some reason they're not disappointed/upset etc. Oh and even if you do plan some lovely activities which they will definitely love I'm afraid that if the breeze is blowing in the wrong direction and the stars aren't aligned it could all end up in a screaming mess anyway. Sorry! Kids will be kids and they do sometimes get tired and overwhelmed, especially by more than one fun/noisy/wet etc activity. It sounds like you're doing a great job though and they're lucky to have you and hopefully they, and their Dad, do appreciate you.

They are children. I assume your reaction was mostly because they are not yours so the bond is harder. Telling a 5 year old they are ungrateful and rubbing in your sacrifice achieves nothing. They are not cognitively developed to understand gratitude or sacrifice.. Personally, I find this parenting style emotionally abusive and manipulative, although I appreciate it is not intentional.

You are winding yourself up. You think as an adult that you would have been over the moon as a child, but in fact if you were a child you may have acted very similarly. Also, they are not you. Children are different and developing human beings and you are trying to threat them and rationalise as if they are adults. They are 5, not 15…

I’m a tough parent and a disciplinarian. So please take what I have to say into account without assuming that I’m an ‘anything goes’ make excuses for bad behaviour type.

They are five years old. Five! This type of thing is completely normal and to be expected, if annoying.

It will be several years before they may be capable of the type of self control and emotional regulation necessary to remember in the moment when they’re having a paddy or too hot etc that they ought to be grateful for something an adult has done for then or for what they have been given etc. They take you for granted because they are secure in your care.

@EvelynBeatrice the term 'having a paddy' isn't a great phrase for anyone to use.

OP, you mentioned in an update that 2 hours didn’t seem long but the average kids birthday party is about that long as that’s how long you can expect a kid to last at an exciting event like a party. You should have done one or the other and not told them the plan because they would be fixated about the next thing rather than what they were doing first. If they had been calmer at lunch, you could be considered surprising them with the splash pad.

Very telling that your h didn’t prevent the inevitable upset (too much stimulation for one day) or do you think he genuinely doesn’t know much about 5 year olds? If it’s the latter then he should be been with the kids while you sat on a bench with a cold drink.

You are quite right and I apologise. Please be assured that I used it without even thinking of the Irish connection or the potential offensiveness.

You are an unpaid au-pair he gets to fuck

Have a think about this, OP.

No worries at all I've seen many posters get berated for it over the years, it doesn't particularly bother me.

If you just take kids that age somewhere new and then sit back for them to get stuck in, a lot will feel the pressure of it and react like this. Unfortunately you have to model how to do it and set the mood, dance around a bit, catch bubbles, talk to them about the exciting things you see, you need to be in the experience too, not just taking them to it. Then you'd need to show them how to be in the splash park, wait for a turn on the big jet, for example, have a water fight. It sounds exhausting but it pays off as next time they get a bit more stuck in, wait for their turn etc.

It must be much harder as a step parent who hasn't had the chance to engage them in things earlier, just to try and fill the gaps later, especially if DH isn't really having fun with them. You did well OP.

I'm afraid some of this post rings true for me OP.

I recall a wise woman I knew as a teen witnessing something similar to your refusal over the ice-cream and commenting that it is so much easier to be strict with children who are not your own, and many times over the years I have thought back to that when watching teachers and step-parents interact with children.

If I put myself in the children's position, you really would have seemed pretty harsh, saying no to an ice-cream because it might "spoil their meal" on a day out on the hottest day of the year - and all that flying in the face of their father taking a different stance. It comes across as wielding power in a harsh and capricious way, and isn't going to make for harmonious blended family life. Your thoughts seem to be more angled at extracting gratitude and recognition for the day than really wanting them to enjoy it.

They are really little and it was very hot. The first activity sounded tedious and I can see why a five year old would have just wanted to get to water and ice-cream on such a hot day. It was, after all, supposed to be a treat day was it not?

I second what others have said and next time let your Dad take the children out while you go and see friends or whatever.

How long have you been together?

Frustrating yes but you cannot show it.
theirs 5 year olds. Normal behaviour.
don’t call them ungrateful.
if you cannot police yourself, do not be a stepparent,
and yes I have been one for 16 years full time

Haha! You’re not the first parent, op - step, or otherwise - who’s tried to give their kids a lovely time, only for it to go spectacularly pear-shaped. Sympathies! That’s 5 yr olds for you. And no, they’re not going to be grateful! Keep going - some outings are going to be success and as they get older, they might even start to be more appreciative of parental efforts!