Frustrating bank holiday Monday with stepkids

[Stepmum900]

I’m step mum to two 5 y/o twins.
They had a great 12 hour sleep at mine and their dad’s house Sunday night so Monday I took them to a free event with a bubble disco with dancing and kids songs, clown etc. it was in and out doors and nice and cool indoors.
they sat there with a face on, not wanting to participate. I’d told them we would go to the park later to the water splash pad. They kept saying are we going there yet etc. Moaning when we got lunch and had to wait for it to be cooked. I provided colouring for them which DSS threw across the table to me as he didn’t want to do it.

we left after lunch to the splash pad. Both started crying and DSS kicked off cos he wanted to be the one to direct the water jets which the bigger kids were operating (it’s like a big water gun in the park with sprinklers etc). Then crying that he was getting wet.
I had enough and took them off to the grass to dry off (they were barely wet!) saying they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.
then they were crying cos they wanted an ice cream but I said no. Dad was saying if you’re good you can have one from the shop later which annoyed me as I felt they were acting spoilt and it was also going to spoil their tea filling up on rubbish.
how would you have acted with step children like this? It left me feeling very frustrated there was no pleasing them. When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!
When I took them back to their mums later DSS said he’d been crying as he wanted ice cream, seeming to omit that he had actually had some after tea!!

You also need to take into account how unstable their upbringing has been as well.

Why doesn’t the ex want to deal with your DH? I will bet my best dress that with every subsequent post you make, a picture will emerge of a terrible father who is using you for childcare.

😂 Well she made 2 kids with him so she and he need to grow the fuck up

Honestly I think you are too involved given you can't grasp why a 5 year old acts irrationally on an extremely hot day, having to wait all day to do the activity they were very excited for then being dragged away and given out to by you (not a parent), and I can only imagine how cranky and huffy yoh were seeing as you think you were 'bending over backwards' for what sounds like a perfectly normal family day out. They don't need to be grateful for you... they didn't choose you.

I see you've avoided anyone's questions about what Dad always doing all day too.

💯 Let the two parents look after their children and make all the arrangements. You’ll get no thanks from any of them if you keep bailing him out.

The role of a step mum is really hard, it sounds like you are trying to be amazing but the truth is that often you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. They key is do a little and persevere through the tough times, but don’t do the most. You should never be doing more than their parents!

5 year olds are not always grateful, or able to understand that you did your best. Their frame of reference is small, all they know if you took them to an event they didn’t want to go to. It’s pretty normal for little kids to get to something they’ve wanted to do all day and not actually love it - for instance my toddler asks alllll day if she can go in the pool, the answer is when it’s shaded after 4pm…. At 4pm she gets in for about 2 mins and then wants to be put. Try to hold your frustration, set boundaries and stick to them (with the dad) and don’t take it personally!

I don't understand why their father wasn't the one interacting with them?
You only mention him at the end

You sound unempathetic and lacking awareness of normal child development and behaviour.

They didn’t enjoy the event you took them to, so why did they have stay? In order to demonstrate ‘gratitude’ for something you’d have appreciated as a child? That demonstrates a fairly bonkers level of self-absorption on your part. Children don’t think like that.

Thank you!

it does sound like typical behaviour from small children. Their dad should be taking charge of the time they are with him, and he would definitely be taking them back to their mums house. You will end up being caught in the middle of your DH and his ex - that is never a nice place to be!

My DSS did eventually enjoy it at the disco. We stayed because we ordered lunch there then left immediately after.

Dad was obviously there too and stuck up for me that they were acting ungrateful

Theyre being entirely normal kids. That day sounds frantic to me, 1 planned activity a day is plenty. I do think you need to step back and make their dad take the lead on parenting his own kids. I wouldn’t personally have spent the whole day with them!

No to an ice cream ?
I wouldn’t either say they were ungrateful and that you had spent ages organising all these activities.
They didn’t want to be inside on a really hot day.
Next time don’t try so hard. Doing this, doing that. And yes to an ice cream.

It was hot. That's a lot of stuff going on. Sounds like they were over-stimulated and couldn't cope with it. Can't blame them - or you. You tried to do a nice thing, but this is how it is with kids. I think you're being rose-tinted with your memories of how delightfully grateful you were. Maybe at an older age, at 5, not always.

acting ungrateful
They are 5! Did you just meet them last week or something? 5 year olds are not rational and do not need to be grateful to step-parent for perfectly normal interactions.

Dad was obviously there too and stuck up for me
But what was he actually doing? Your entire post is all "I" "I" etc. Why did you take them away from the splash pad... why did you get the colouring books... what did Dad do bar get them ice cream?

If you’re a recent SP it’s understandable that you don’t know much about small children. Their Dad needs to take the lead and help you learn what’s normal for them.

But your continued use of the term ‘ungrateful’ makes me shudder. Poor children.

Why would they be grateful to you? They're too young to understand that adults who are in charge of them aren't just doing normal things when they're with the kids.

They don't think 'oh, I bet she's not enjoying this children's activity or splash park, and would rather be at home drinking a g&t. So we'd better act nice and polite and pretend to be enjoying ourselves'?!

You took them to something you wanted to do! They didn’t want to go. They wanted to do something else by the time they got to the thing they wanted to do, they were hot bothered and deregulated. You wouldn’t allowed them to go to the part of the splash park they wanted to. You didn’t dedicate a day to them, you took them to something you thought was fun but didn’t ask them.

But maybe the OP was tired and aggy because of the weather too?

This reads like perfectly normal behaviour for hot and tired 5 year olds out of routine.

I am guessing you don't have kids of your own, and haven't learned in instalments the way many of us have, that kids can be ungrateful little so-and-so's sometimes, but they can also get overtired and overstimulated very easily. What we as adults think of as a "lovely day out" is just too overwhelming for a small child. They would probably have been just as happy if you had gone to the splash park earlier when it was a bit cooler and quieter and spent the afternoon pottering at home with an ice cream from the fridge. It's the end of term, they were tired and hot and they are shuttling between homes with parents who don't speak to each other? I would pare activities right back and just be there for them.

Parenting is thankless OP, and stepparenting a thousand times more!

Chalk it up to experience and take yourself for a massage instead next time.

It is an unfortunate fact that 5 year olds are often very annoying, regardless of whether they are your child/step child. It is something they excel at.

They were probably overly hot and set on the splash park. I get it’s annoying when you’ve planned a nice day and it doesn’t go to plan but honestly I wouldn’t dwell on it. Happened a few times when my daughter was younger.

You can’t and shouldn’t expect five-year-olds to be "grateful". You don't sound as if you like them much. Have you had much to do with children?

Why isn’t their dad taking the lead in parenting them?

Why would they be grateful to you? They're too young to understand that adults who are in charge of them aren't just doing normal things when they're with the kids.

This is so true. Also, it's reminded me of when my DC - who are super nice, biddable kids who've rarely given me any trouble - were that kind of age, I had times at softplays and such where I wondered how anyone could cope with this parenting lark if they didn't have the unconditional love of it being your own DC. Some people do have that gift and can hack it, but parenting little kids can be stressful, boring, frustrating and thankless.

If you're doing these things expecting gratitude you're always going to be disappointed. You do it because you think it's the right thing to do and they'll like some bits and not others. But they don't have any sense that things are any other way and they have to go along with whatever you choose for them to do, whether that's chocca-packed days out or locking them under the stairs. And tbf, the kids whose parents did the latter often took that as being standard too.