Frustrating bank holiday Monday with stepkids

[Stepmum900]

I’m step mum to two 5 y/o twins.
They had a great 12 hour sleep at mine and their dad’s house Sunday night so Monday I took them to a free event with a bubble disco with dancing and kids songs, clown etc. it was in and out doors and nice and cool indoors.
they sat there with a face on, not wanting to participate. I’d told them we would go to the park later to the water splash pad. They kept saying are we going there yet etc. Moaning when we got lunch and had to wait for it to be cooked. I provided colouring for them which DSS threw across the table to me as he didn’t want to do it.

we left after lunch to the splash pad. Both started crying and DSS kicked off cos he wanted to be the one to direct the water jets which the bigger kids were operating (it’s like a big water gun in the park with sprinklers etc). Then crying that he was getting wet.
I had enough and took them off to the grass to dry off (they were barely wet!) saying they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.
then they were crying cos they wanted an ice cream but I said no. Dad was saying if you’re good you can have one from the shop later which annoyed me as I felt they were acting spoilt and it was also going to spoil their tea filling up on rubbish.
how would you have acted with step children like this? It left me feeling very frustrated there was no pleasing them. When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!
When I took them back to their mums later DSS said he’d been crying as he wanted ice cream, seeming to omit that he had actually had some after tea!!

Lots of typical Mumsnet posts criticising the stepmum for trying to do something nice 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s typical 5 year old behaviour IMO. We have had days like this with our DC - fun activity but then they get tired +/- overwhelmed and act up. They will probably look back and think they had a great time!

@Notyouagaindear
I disagree. She is simply another woman who is sleepwalking into a situation where she will be the de-facto parent to 2 young children who seem to have 2 useless parents.

Yup

How long had you been in a serious relationship when you moved in together?
Was it his idea?
What would have happened if you had said to him you wanted to have a relationship without living together until the kids are at least 16.

DD couldn’t have handled two exciting activities on one day at that age. Not wanting to sit in is an adult thought. Kids need time to decompress.

Nieces aren’t the same!

Being ‘ungrateful’ for things that aren’t enjoyable for them isn’t a thing. 5 year olds don’t have to be grateful for things they aren’t enjoying.

If they want to go somewhere, and you want to take them, go there. Don’t delay it with multiple other things then tired them out beforehand.

Hot, tired children whine and cry. Let their dad manage that.

And why the fuck is he sitting while you play, and sitting while you take the kids back, and, I suspect, sitting while you dance around with bubbles?

This. Too many 'I's for me.
Small children are a tough crowd some days are just difficult.
Maybe it was all too much. Chalk it up to experience and keep things way more simple next time.

X.

Hot, tired children whine and cry.

Exactly this. Hot, tired adults want to cry too! Annoyingly, because we are grown-ups, we are supposed to put on a brave face! 😅But at least we usually can make the decision to go home early, abandon a plan or whatever.

This is the real issue. It doesn't sound like your DP is involved at all... my advice is to leave him to it so he doesn't have the choice to opt out. The 5 year olds behaviour is normal, your partners lack of parenting isn't

For future reference, they might not like the activity and that should be ok. They might literally be just not feeling it (hot, tired, not feeling well, overwhelmed etc) and they should be allowed to engage in a way that is right for them.

I have been a toddler in Spain, and have a 7 year old, you put a hat on them, suncream and a tshirt if necessary and off to the pool and beach. I also sit under a parasol.

Well done you... not everyone is you 😂

Better than having a toddler look at a pool all day. My neighbour does this, a total kill joy in all other aspects too. I know not everyone is me, poor things, my point is that other ways of doing things are possible and nobody will die.

Total kill joy 😂
Of course there are other ways of doing things.. who mentioned death? Bit strange of you to bring that up you morbid molly

This
I am also assuming that OP doesn't have kids of her own.
Their behaviour seems typical of 5 year olds and there was the heat to contend with also.

From your first post I assumed dad wasn't with you. He should be the leader and you following, not the other way around as you have described.
If someone has to sit with the bags, that should be you. The kids are there to see him.
Everything you've described is normal for a 5 year old. Them being grateful that you have dedicated your day to them is nuts.

It does all sound miserable. Do you even want to go on these outings? Let DH organise days out for his dc. It's not your job.

If they didn’t enjoy the bubble disco and kept saying it why not just leave and go to the splash pad. They were miserable because they spent ages getting more and more annoyed and then it obviously spiralled.

you can’t force them to enjoy it. They didn’t. They’re children. It’s pretty standard sometimes they have off days. Just like adults only they have much less self regulation.

God, so many negative responses towards the OP!

I get it OP. My kids are much older now and generally very grateful but there are always those times where you feel like you’re handing them the world on a platter and they still find something to complain about. The ‘one last thing’ that makes them forget about everything that came before.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and you’ve got the right balance of treating them but putting your foot down for poor behaviour.

But other posters are correct, at 5 they are still completely self centred and still babies really.

The dad sounds hopeless. Let him take his kids out on his own next time.

A few reasons. She’s very fair! We also have crappy fake grass that gets sooooo hot. She also hates the full body suits and refuses a hat. So when we are back from morning activities it’s always the hottest part of the day. She’s always filthy after paddling/ playing in the garden when wet, covered in little bits of tree seeds that fall, so it works best to go straight in the bath.

Sounds like you're doing more parenting than dad. But, don't take it to heart, children that young are sometimes are just little whiny rotters and them's the breaks. I think though in future let your husband take over planning and sorting out wobbles on days out then perhaps you'd not feel like you're not appreciated quite so much.. I'd like to say though, you sound like an awesome step mum who treats the children well.

I think you planned what could of potentially been a lovely day for them, and I think your heart was in the right place however I have also made this mistake with my own kids when they were little assuming they would actually get how lucky they are to have such a lovely day out.

Sometimes so many things can just be to much in one day. I would scale back to a picnic in the splash park next time with picnic blankets, shade and enough food for them to graze on rather have them waiting around for lunch after another activity in the morning. I would of factored the cost of ice creams in to and your partner could of helped with the splash park rather than standing around with bags.

This one sentence should tell you absolutely everything you need to know op.

why do you think he would be the one sitting and chilling with the bags, and you should be the one dealing with his tired and irritable kids?

thats absurd isn’t it?

You say you would have been over the moon to be taken there when you were a child - but it’s very likely you too had your days of being a whiny discontented brat. It’s soul-destroying even when they’re your own kids, but it’s very normal. They were probably hot and overstimulated, or they may have just been in a bad mood.

Your problem isn’t the 5yos who sometimes behave abominably. Your problem is your DH who stands back and lets you do the most gruesome bits of the parenting for him - and then has the gall to undermine you as well! They are HIS children. If he cannot be very swiftly disabused of the notion that parenting small kids is women’s work, then this marriage wouldn’t have a future for me. The school years - and adolescence - are going to be pure hell for everyone if he doesn’t get his shit together. Including the children.

I hate a friend who traces her divorce back to Disneyland Paris. Too much expectation, sick, tired kids, and a lazy husband.

Keep your expectations low and understand kids don’t think about effort or expense. Which should teach us something, really!

You may well have tried OP, but you did it very much from your perspective.

Five year olds are very young. In the heat they get tired and overwrought. They don't necessarily step back and think "Oh OP has made a big effort"; they just think "I feel hot and this is not really something I am enjoying much." They are whinging to let you know that. Think about a baby: it cries to say "this isn't working for me." You check it's nappy, see if it is hungry etc etc. You keep tweaking until you find what was wrong. Whinging is the developmental stage of signalling this distress about three and a half years on from that. Instead, you punished them for it. It's about as well thought-out as punishing a crying baby.

I think the problem is that as things were going wrong, your first thought was "poor me" rather than thinking "why isn't this working?" and looking to tweak that. Sometimes small children need a change of scene, a cold drink or yes, sorry, some ice-cream.