Frustrating bank holiday Monday with stepkids

[Stepmum900]

I’m step mum to two 5 y/o twins.
They had a great 12 hour sleep at mine and their dad’s house Sunday night so Monday I took them to a free event with a bubble disco with dancing and kids songs, clown etc. it was in and out doors and nice and cool indoors.
they sat there with a face on, not wanting to participate. I’d told them we would go to the park later to the water splash pad. They kept saying are we going there yet etc. Moaning when we got lunch and had to wait for it to be cooked. I provided colouring for them which DSS threw across the table to me as he didn’t want to do it.

we left after lunch to the splash pad. Both started crying and DSS kicked off cos he wanted to be the one to direct the water jets which the bigger kids were operating (it’s like a big water gun in the park with sprinklers etc). Then crying that he was getting wet.
I had enough and took them off to the grass to dry off (they were barely wet!) saying they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.
then they were crying cos they wanted an ice cream but I said no. Dad was saying if you’re good you can have one from the shop later which annoyed me as I felt they were acting spoilt and it was also going to spoil their tea filling up on rubbish.
how would you have acted with step children like this? It left me feeling very frustrated there was no pleasing them. When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!
When I took them back to their mums later DSS said he’d been crying as he wanted ice cream, seeming to omit that he had actually had some after tea!!

Agree with this. One “activity” a day for kids this young. Bubble experience or the splash park. With the hot weather I would have just done splash park in the morning when they have energy and not too hot / bothered / overstimulated. Then lunch, picnic or out, then home to play in the garden for the afternoon, maybe a slow walk out to the corner shop for an ice lolly if you need to fill the afternoon a bit. I’ve found full “days out” especially when they also need to sit nicely for lunch, can be a bit much.

Do you have kids of your own or much experience of kids?

A good 12 hour sleep means nothing in the face of an extremely hot day filled with too many planned activities and a refusal of an ice cream request.

I am really bemused/confused about your expectation of gratitude from them. They are 5! 5!

If you wanted thanks for all the cool things you planned, that should really be coming from your partner and/or his ex. The kids don’t owe you anything. They didn’t choose to have you in their lives or ask you to book the day out.

I don’t know if you are trying to impress your partner or what but you are doing too much. Spend more time accepting 5 year olds for what they are - children. Not characters in your perfectly curated planned out.

Also, I dare you to ask your parents about your behaviour as a child when they planned nice things for you. I dare you.

Where have you got it from that I wanted to go to a kids disco with bubbles and a clown?
or that I didn’t take them to the part of the park they wanted to go to? They’d been on at me to go to the splash pad at the park which is where I took them to. Struggling to see how you missed that?

I think you need to take a step back and see the bigger picture of this situation, if they weren’t your stepchildren would you feel the same way about this scenario if it was someone else?
You seem overly annoyed with two 5 years old acting completely normal for their age.
Maybe your expectations of 5 year olds is skewed, they are too young to take into consideration your feelings about a day out and react how you want them to.

You're consistently saying "I took them...I did..." It's blatantly obvious that the children's father is happily delegating the care and entertainment of HIS children to you, including the hand-overs with their mother (which I find astonishing)!

Step back. Let him organise the activities and take the lead on everything. Go along, smile, talk to the children, but be a positive adult presence in the background and let HIM do all the parenting, including behaviour management.

Kids have no concept of the planning or cost of a day out at that age either. My in laws took the 4 cousins out on Sunday before we all had a bbq. What did they all say was the best part of the day? Grandad spraying them with the hosepipe when he watered the plants.

The dad is a piece of work lets be real.

I note the op is ignoring all points made that the dad should be the one to actually parent, because we all should know that a women’s role is simply to make a man’s life easier. And that any problem with step children could never ever be the fault of their actual dad, always the kids themselves or the ex.

Yep. I don’t know any mums who would prefer that their ex’s new partner deal with drop offs than the kids dad - something up there!

OP’s not 5 though is she?

You are unreasonable to expect gratitude from the stepkids. The best that you can expect is them having a great time and not arguing with their sibling/you. You have accepted that point from other posters so hopefully you’ll lower your expectations in future. It will be many years before they appreciate your effort never mind appreciate you as a stepmum.

More importantly, your post is written as “I” did X,Y, Z rather than “we”. It’s a very common phenomenon for divorced dads to be Disney Dads during their children’s visits and making tho new wife do the heavy lifting and be bad cop. Your h should be doing the bulk of the parenting, organising etc or you’ll end up playing the role of nanny with a fanny.

Not sure where you are obvs but Monday was so hot here! No way would I be taking mine to a disco. I expect they were hot and grumpy.

@Leopardspota out of curiosity, why don't you let your toddler go in the pool while it's sunny? Surely that's the best time to go! No wonder that having waited an entire day, the activity doesn't live up to expectations.

Presumably because she doesn't want to risk sunburn and keeps the toddler shaded where possible?

Sounds like a painful day out for you, best leave stuff like that to their parents. Why would you want to go to clowns, bubbles, screaming kid water park etc? Hell on earth on a bank holiday.
It's a task for a parent.

@Stepmum900
Their mother doesn't 'get on' with their father so now you are suckered into the drop off role. Why would you even do this to yourself? It will only get worse.

It’s understandable you’re upset, it sounds like you made a real effort and it just hasn’t gone to plan.

I do think expectations of kids’ behaviour has gone down. At that age, many kids have started their first year of formal schooling (and certainly wouldn’t be acting like this in the classroom). I’d also expect them to recognise a “treat” day like this - if they were taken by a friend’s mum for example, I’d expect them to at least give a “thanks” at the end of it.

This is genuinely something I’d have written about my nieces before I had kids 😂
it’s not personal, they don’t know to be grateful yet. It’s all about them, they’re designed to be selfish! My 4 year old drives me to rage at least once most days, and she’s mine.
Your expectations are off, but that’s understandable if you’ve not had children yourself before.

Because you said they wanted to go the splash pad but I took them somewhere first. Sounds to me like you thought they’d enjoy it but they didn’t want to go and wanted to go the splash pad earlier.

if you are planning a day for 5 year olds best to ask them what they want to do

Its ok Hun, nobody on Insta will realise you didn't all have a great day.
Just choose your photos carefully

I actually think it's lovely you want to spend a day with your stepchildren, provided their dads isn't a delinquent who constantly delegates their care to you.

They are small children though, so on a hot and tiring day with lots of stimulation around them, they'll act up. And they're not thinking about gratitude at this stage. They'll probably tell you they had a great day too.

As for the go between for your man and his ex - STOP THAT! Let them work out how to coparent like sensible adults, instead of getting involved in things that you have no business in.

How old are you OP? You sound like you don’t have much understanding of young kids and organised far too much on a roasting hot day. 5 year olds have no sense of gratitude they are far too young to have any grasp of planning. Like everyone else I’d like to know where the hell their dad was.

So op went to a place that serves food which you need to wait for, with an indoor space and outdoor space and free activities for kids. I wonder if it was a pub garden?

Then her partner left his kids, that she clearly doesnt know that well, to do all the difficult bits of childcare. Where was he in this place with indoor and outdoor areas and maybe even a bar?

They then went to a free, probably very busy, park on a hot day with two out of routine twins, and when the kids started to act out in a perfectly age aporopriate way, her partner left her again to do the difficult bit.

What a man amongst men he is.

The kids are fine. Your partner is an arse. I would try to reposition yourself as "Dad's girlfriend or partner" rather than step mum. Enjoy the good bits, and leave the chalkenging bits to your partner.

Kids and teenagers arent grateful, it drives me nuts too. Tommorow, I will be spending the day with my 13 year old boy, spending too much and being grateful for the scraps of closeness and relationship that an autistic teenage boy can give. Because in a year, as a 14 year old boy, he might not want to go out on a day trip wirh me at all. These moments with children, they are so fleeting.

Sorry your day didn't go to plan. That's just the way it is with kids, unfortunately. You make lovely plans and then the kids are tired, grumpy and whinge and throw a strop over something stupid. On the other hand, they might get mega excited and rave about something relatively minor/inexpensive.

My guess is the kids were impatient to go to the splash park. So they were irritated having to sit through the disco and lunch and colouring (activities they'd probably enjoy otherwise). They probably thought they'd never get to the splash park. Then they were tired and grumpy and hot and fraught when they did finally get there.

Next time, don't tell them about the splash park until you're just about to head there. Or do the splash park first and the quieter activities later.

I don't have any advice for you otherwise. They get easier as they get older. Alcohol helps.