Frustrating bank holiday Monday with stepkids

[Stepmum900]

I’m step mum to two 5 y/o twins.
They had a great 12 hour sleep at mine and their dad’s house Sunday night so Monday I took them to a free event with a bubble disco with dancing and kids songs, clown etc. it was in and out doors and nice and cool indoors.
they sat there with a face on, not wanting to participate. I’d told them we would go to the park later to the water splash pad. They kept saying are we going there yet etc. Moaning when we got lunch and had to wait for it to be cooked. I provided colouring for them which DSS threw across the table to me as he didn’t want to do it.

we left after lunch to the splash pad. Both started crying and DSS kicked off cos he wanted to be the one to direct the water jets which the bigger kids were operating (it’s like a big water gun in the park with sprinklers etc). Then crying that he was getting wet.
I had enough and took them off to the grass to dry off (they were barely wet!) saying they were being ungrateful and I’d dedicated my day to doing all this lovely stuff for them.
then they were crying cos they wanted an ice cream but I said no. Dad was saying if you’re good you can have one from the shop later which annoyed me as I felt they were acting spoilt and it was also going to spoil their tea filling up on rubbish.
how would you have acted with step children like this? It left me feeling very frustrated there was no pleasing them. When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!
When I took them back to their mums later DSS said he’d been crying as he wanted ice cream, seeming to omit that he had actually had some after tea!!

Five year olds are not able to comprehend gratitude. For you both to expect that is a bit odd. Your husband is their father and should be aware of the developmental level of his children. Gratitude would be them thanking you and pretending to enjoy themselves when they weren’t. Five year olds show how they feel. They weren’t happy for whatever reason.
Dont feel resentful towards them. Feel empathy.

Op, if you don’t want to believe us that your partner is only with you (or any woman will do) for childcare, see how he responds if you tell him whenever he is due his kids next that you’re going away with a friend the whole time. Listen to his response very carefully. My guess will be anything at all that he can come up with, doesn’t matter what, it’ll probably be along the lines of ‘but we’re a family’, so that you don’t go.

Your logic is a little confusing, you said you couldn't leave them on the splash pad as they were crying, you could of walked towards DH and signalled for him to take over. You say they should of been grateful and when it's suggested you should of bought them all ice cream say that's what you were thinking. Also DH had said they go to the shop later which you disagreed with. I think you should step back, he's there, they're his children.

Maybe they're playing up as they want one on one time with their dad.

My daughters didn't ever get that, not once, their step siblings were always there and the step mum.

Warning teenagers aren't always grateful, yet alone five year olds.

I mean every holiday I went on with my ex including my two kids and his daughter also 5yrs (as was my daughter) was another reason to leave him.

When I started taking them out I kept our days really low key and they were somehow so much more fun.

I have twins, it’s tough…they’re like a seesaw sometimes, if one’s happy then the other isn’t!

That said, they’re five years old…if they’re in a bad mood, just write it off as disappointing as that it.

I was a SM and I think we sometimes try too hard to make the most of DSC when, sometimes, they just want to chill at home.

I think you're right - an awful lot of parents these days kill themselves to take their children on days out, activities, etc when many (especially the small ones) are happier with chill-out activities at home, rather than the relentless round of going places and doing things.

Some pp have mentioned that the children's time with their father is supposed to be time they spend WITH him - not with him looking on from the sidelines. We don't know how their parents' break-up affected them, but I'd put good money on it being that what they need is their father's attention.

If we’re doing something later in the day that is super exciting I just don’t mention it! It’s harder now with an older child who wants to plan the day out in her head but she understands underplaying things a bit to the younger one… I get antsy enough waiting for things, let alone expecting them to be patient too.

I think it's lovely that you're trying so hard but I think you'd have better days out if you pulled it waaaay back. A disco AND waiting around for lunch AND a splash pad in the hottest part of the day AND ice cream drama... it's a lot. My own kids have been super whingy this week as it's such a change in temperature and they're older. You need to think about 'one' activity in a day and then downtime. Personally my kids did better with a morning out and then afternoon relaxing with a film etc. but every child is different.

And honestly if you're at a thing and no one is enjoying it just leave. Don't stay and order food that will take ages, just leave and get a meal deal or head home or something quick and easy and away from whatever everyone isn't enjoying. Was it quite loud / busy and do they often struggle in those sorts of environments? My kids can't cope in crowds much at all.

Also I think 'sitting on the sideline on my phone pretending to hold a towel' isn't really necessary when there are 2 whingy children who aren't even yours. Am sure the towel could have watched itself.

You expected way too much from 5-year olds on the hottest day of the year so far.

They wanted to go to the splash park, you made them do something else first which, yes, sounds fun, but the splash park was now in their heads and they're 5. They couldn't do what they wanted at the splash park and they had a paddy because 5.

You and Dad gave mixed messages over ice cream. I wouldn't start a war over ice cream with children on the hottest day of the year. I'd be sitting them down in the shade with a cold drink and an ice cream and trying to reset everyone's mood and expectations.

When you were a kid, you'd have been exactly the same. You're looking at it through rose-tinted glasses - I promise you, there will have been times when your mum or dad did something lovely for you and you just shat all over it, because you were a child.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish day and you wanted it to be lovely. This is parenting. It sucks. Holding them in contempt for it and suggesting they're ungrateful is a super-unhelpful lens.

They're 5 year old kids.

Much of parenting is doing things you think will be nice and it backfires as the kids don’t actually enjoy it!
Try and roll with it rather than getting frustrated and saying they are ungrateful. If they don’t enjoy a splashpad then just leave, no big deal. I probably would have bought them an ice cream though because like someone else says when it’s hot weather I feel like all rules go out the window with ice cream and when you have it 😂

I can feel your frustration as you are obviously trying very hard. But 5 yr olds can't cope with plans really, or schedules. They always want the good stuff now- so best to take it one step at a time and mention only one thing at once . Only tell them what you are going to do right now and only mention the next activity when you are ready to leave this one and do the next.
Building up to activities can lead to over excitement and then unreal expectations.

And prepare for plans to go awry when they get tired/hot/grumpy etc.

Remind yourself that little kids don't appreciate your effort or do gratitude- their brains aren't developed, they are little ids on legs living selfishly in the moment, with a very limited ability to manage emotions, cope with complexity or delayed gratification.
Good on you for trying though

Typical disregulated in the heat 5yo behaviour. They don’t know what being grateful means. It’s very clear you don’t have experience in parenting…

It sounds like you did your best and did everything you could for the children, and wanted to give them a lovely day. Don’t be disheartened, this is very classic 5 year old behaviour.

I don’t really like though how their dad was just sat on his arse “holding the bags” though. What the fuck? Why was he just sat there letting you do everything? Based on that, I can’t say I’m surprised his ex doesn’t want to see him. Is he usually such a useless piece of work? Don’t let him do this to you girl!

I'm amazed anyone went anywhere on Monday. It was dangerously hot. Only place to be on days like that is at home in front of the fan. OP, you don't say if you have a garden, but if you do, what about getting a good paddling pool for this summer?

Agree with PP that five is too young to show gratitude. They don't even know what gratitude is.

It's also possible that they wanted their mum.

Exactly my thkughts.

Their father has it made! You get to make plans and deal with his grouchy children during a heatwave while he sits on his arse, and you are the go-between for the two lousy parents who can't be bothered to step up and behave like adults for their sake of the children that they created. You are an unpaid au-pair he gets to fuck

Monday was one of the hottest days of the year and you expected them to be fun and grateful and happy. That’s more than most adults can manage on a boiling hot day.

All of that is typical 5 year old behaviour. Some days out are a dream, others are hard work. You need to change your expectations and make sure their dad is their primary carer and parent - let him deal with their moods / behaviour.

When I was a kid I would have been over the moon if my parents had taken me somewhere like this!

And you'd of also been rude, stroppy and emotional at points too. Kids are kids 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't start a war over ice cream with children on the hottest day of the year.

Yup: this!

Has anyone seen how sold out Ocado is! No ice-lollies, barely any ice-cream in stock. It's what we all need to be eating atm! No wonder they cried.

We have been CANING ice lollies, and the freezers of our Sainsbury's are bare of everything except Magnums. Which is how you know the cost of living really is biting. Everyone in my super middle class town is giving Magnums a swerve.

It’s great that you’re making an effort, but dad needs to step up and get involved - HE organises the days out, HE deals with the tantrums, HE helps them manage their excitement and frustration. He also needs to grow up and take his own kids home to his ex.

Ive 2 grown up kids and 2 younger step kids, I've been with their dad for 9 years, not married and not living with (partly due to the kids) What i have learned is lower your expectations, then lower them again! Let their Dad do 95% of the parenting. I love my step kids and they have a very difficult mum and they have been parented differently than I have parented my own 2. However, they are children navigating a difficult landscape and I try to bear this in mind when their behaviour is challenging. Also, 5 year old should not have to be grateful, only spend time with them cos you really want to, and have the bandwidth to bear all this in mind. It's tough, but rewarding when they learn that you're on their side and they can trust you.

If I ever ask my 6yo what they want to do today, a lot of the time they’ll say “home day”. That doesn’t mean TV day, they just love pottering around…I think this is doubly true for twins as they have their best friend with them all of the time.

I think if you only take one thing away from this, it is never - EVER - tell a child about future plans if you don't want them to strip you down to your last nerve and then dance on it by going on and on and ON about it.

After which it has become so inflated in their mind that the reality just cannot .ive up to what they've imagined and it will always be a crushing disappointment.

The correct course of action for Monday would have been to take them to the bubble disco, have some lunch and then just surprise them with the splash park.
THEN you get the gratitude. Then they're excited.

And you do not withhold ice creams in heatwaves. Maybe that's the second lesson.