How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

Yes but all children learn behaviours to get what they want = manipulation

If this is learned behaviour then who taught her that? The adults in her life did, through (presumably) positive reinforcement. Which takes me back to the point I made earlier about considering why she is 'attention seeking' and how her needs can be met in other ways that are more positive.

Is crying the only way she gets time with her dad?

And this child has learned that the only way she can feel like she’s getting heard or attention in her fathers home, 4 days a month, is to cry, probably because she is genuinely upset, not manipulative.

Thats not her fault, its the fault of her father.

There are professional actors who have a difficult time crying on cue. It’s amazing to me how people think kids are able to summon actual tears at will just to manipulate adults.

building blended families is very fragile. Obviously you don’t say in your post- how much time is she spending alone with her dad 1:1? She should have plenty of opportunities for that, from experience it completely changes the dynamic of a father/daughter relationship when you suddenly have to share and are both just part of a different family unit. Maybe she cries because she’s struggling and just needs a bit more of the buture? I’m sure she’s picking up that you don’t want her to be part of things. Maybe she’s emotionally immature/maybe there’s something else going on. But it’s all a communication of something she needs that maybe she’s emotionally immature isn’t getting.

Adults using a young girl crying as an example of manipulation is in itself a manipulation, a gross one that perpetuates the behaviour standards enforced on girls. Give her a break.

I have 2 kids ,7 years apart and you have to choose activities very carefully at that age. Most years we tag teamed with one doing something with each of them. You need to find activities they can both participate in at their own level - it tended to be swimming, football, lego, eating out, the odd film, trampoline parks, mini golf.

Theme parks are a problem as you found. Maybe next time you can swap half way round so everyone gets a bit of Dad's time. Or leave sister at home and take a friend instead?

It’s reductive to call our inbuilt evolutionary survival instincts ‘manipulation’.
please do some intensive research on attachment theory and human infants before you even consider having children of your own

Nope, no child should ever be in a situation where they need to be tough.

You don't think a secondary school child who's prone to crying needs to gain a little more resilience, if only to avoid being bullied and socially ostracised? And you're speculating about the reason she was crying.

Ooops, too late.
Ps
I know children pretty well, hence why I'm here on mn but thanks, appreciate it x

Every time I read a thread like this I am so glad my children never had a step mother

No you'd still be coming across really badly, with a real golden child/scapegoat dynamic. This child sees virtually nothing of her father - perhaps he does need to give her more attention when she's around. You can just evil stepmother in the background.

This is great advice.

I would also add that your SDD is probably not asking for you to spend lots of money on her activities - you are choosing to and seem to resent doing so. I’d rein this in and find out what she would like to do when she’s at your house. Your DH should know and if he doesn’t he should find out.

Children of divorced parents, even when there is little or no friction with new partners say the worst thing is how inconvenient it is to have to spend time at each parent’s houses. Their stuff is always at the wrong place, they have to plan and organise stuff for themselves more than their friends with non-divorced parents and they have to be more aware of adult feelings. All usually at a time when their own hormones are making their lives hugely difficult and inconvenient.

I don't agree with any of your posts, there is no need to keep going on at me, I'm not at all interested.
Again, no. No child should ever need to be tough. I have CPTSD thanks to my parents, and will never ever side with anyone wanting a kid to toughen up.

It's not such a bizarre assumption at all. People who post on here attacking stepparents and everything they do sometimes do turn out to be bitter stepchildren by their own admission.

And as for EOW, why automatically blame the dad when we don't know what the situation is with the girl's mum? If, for example, she chose to move hundreds of miles away and refused to help with transport costs or logistics, as my now adult DSD's mum did when she was 9, EOW might be the best OP's DH is able to do. Fathers and their new partners are routinely treated as blamehounds on MN, but the reality isn't always that straightforward.

Ah she’s 13 give her a break poor kid, hormones all over the place and just wants to spend time time with her dad?

Then the father should do the bare minimum and get a court order to prevent the child being moved. Parent equally to the mother.
Four days a month cannot possibly be described as the best a parent can do.

It isn't about crying on cue when everything else is hunky dory, you're trying to remember your lines and your staging, and you've just been laughing with your peers in the actors' canteen.

I'm not suggesting she isn't upset. That doesn't mean the crying is something she just can't help. I've known plenty of kids who could turn on (and off) the tears in that situation and could myself when I was a tween.

And you'd still say the father should do that if he knew full well that the mother would be a complete cow about it and make everyone's life a complete misery including that of the child, would you? 🤔

You can't possibly judge the ins and outs of what OP's DH should be doing without the full facts. Men are not automatically feckless absentee fathers simply because they're not banging their exes' doors down night and day hollering for 50/50. Believe it or not, these situations can be nuanced and delicate.

Of course both parents should parent equally. Absolutely. There's no excuse.

Anyway, as I already said, I'm not interested in your posts so there's no need at all to keep quoting me.

It's not such a bizarre assumption at all. People who post on here attacking stepparents and everything they do sometimes do turn out to be bitter stepchildren by their own admission.

I really don't like the word bitter in this context, it implies that you are choosing to hold on to resentment of your upbringing .. when really it is quite difficult to get past not being wanted as a child and made to feel like you were an annoyance, never good enough, or barely tolerated, unless you've been in that situation as a child with no autonomy, I'd suggest you refrain from flippantly labelling something you obviously have no clue about.

I wouldn't describe myself as a bitter stepchild, but I am a damaged one, and I will always point out awful behaviour in any step parents I come across, it is nothing to do with attacking them for no reason, and everything to do with recognising the attitudes and behaviours that I grew up with and wanting to make them aware how damaging it can be to inflict that on a child.

Caring step parents, and decent human beings, just don't use this language about children in their care I'm afraid:

She has no resilience and craves attention.

I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

Told DH he is massively causing issues

Then after the crying, her and DH went off to do rides that we easily all could have done together.

It was DS birthday and it was just a shame that she needs the attention on her

I want her to have nice days out too as she doesn't do them often (including with her Mum) but if it's going to cause arguments all the time then it's not worth it.

She cries because it works with her dad. Exactly this!!

She 100% would not be talking about her own child in these scathing terms, so it is obvious to most on here that all OP sees is an annoying child manipulating her dad to get her own way, with absolutely zero understanding for why she may get upset when she is with them, OP doesn't approve of them spending one-on-one time together (also a massive red flag, and I suspect the root cause of the issue), and she has zero compassion or empathy for the child she has chosen to bring into her life.

Look, it may well be true that she lacks resilience and is attention seeking but you have given an absolutely terrible example to demonstrate it in your op.

How did neither your husband nor you think she might like to go on more age appropriate rides? I mean, really?

Sorry but you sound quite cold. Give her a break, the girl is 13! Step back and show some kindness instead of judgement!

You married a man with 3 children. They become your family too.