How do we manage stepdaughter's behaviour without upsetting family outings?

[Dinosaursloveunderpants1]

I have one DS5 with my husband and he has three DC but two older so only DSD13 comes to visit EOW.

DSD is great with DS but her behaviour always causes friction. She has no resilience and craves attention.

Latest we went out for DS birthday to a theme park, she was too tall to go on a young kids ride and cried about it. DH pacified her. Gave her the attention she wanted and ended up going off for an hour so she could do some rides.

Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm at the point that I don't want to invite her anywhere as she always has to cause issues.

However, my DS adores her so I want them to be together. Told DH he is massively causing issues and he simply says he doesn't see her often so just wants to make her happy.

Any advice please?

EOW is precious little. Would you be content seeing your children four days a month? It's a tiny proportion of time and means that her dad and his wife probably have a limited insight into what this 13yo's day to day life is like.

Oh, and for the record I'm not a 'bitter' stepchild (what a bizarre assumption to have made)but am a stepmother and have my own children who have both a stepmother and a stepfather (my DH), and I think the OP's attitude stinks.

So you expected her to stand around with the adults watching her little brother enjoy the rides? Come on OP.

With this kind of age difference I would have split up at the theme park gate: one adult does the kiddie rides with the little one and the other does the white knuckle rides with the teenager. It’s an absolute no brainer.

And then you meet up every so often for drinks and snacks and lunch.

Crying when something goes wrong during her very very limited time with her dad and brother isn’t bizarre or extreme.

For things like legoland you just have to be a bit more pre-emotive (which is the same when you have a big age gap between full siblings) and have a plan for the bit that don’t work for both children together

Awful, you sound like you have a huge lack of empathy for her. Seriously she is 13!! A bag of emotions and hormones. Poor kid. You wouldn’t have thought for a moment about this behaviour and posting on here if it was your own DD. You would have divided up like what actually happened. she needs time with her dad on her own.

Ask yourself what you would do if it was your bio kid that was crying and making days out difficult. Would you leave him with a sitter and get on with your day? Or would you try to understand their fears, reassure them, love and care for them regardless?

You should never have married a man with kids.

When I was a preteen/in my early teens, sometimes I’d start crying when I felt that people weren’t understanding my feelings and it seemed hopeless to try to get them to understand. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an element of that here.

It’s very clear that for you, her value lies in what she can offer to your son as a big sister and the “happy families” feeling you can get from including her, as long as she stays in her box and follows your script. She is crying and seeking attention because she needs to know that to her father at least, she is more than a prop or something to be tolerated. She needs to know that she is a loved and valued child just as much as your child is. And her father is attempting to provide that for her.

She's probably crying because she rarely sees her dad and half brother, but when she does, her half-sibling is centred and not her. Yes it was his birthday on this occasion - doesn't mean that's not a pattern, particularly as it seems the OP expected her just to watch her half-brother having fun and that was good enough.

I like my stepmum. They're not all evil. But it was a different story with my stepdad who resented my sister and I, and very much favoured his own child. Just be careful you're looking at this situation of your SD being 'difficult' through a completely neutral lens, OP.

Poor kid. She must have been very young when her dad stopped living with her. I really feel more and more on mumsnet that people seem to think making a blended family isn’t such a big deal and what’s the problem. Blended families can work. I’m part of one. But can people please stop minimising the massive effect parental relationship breakdown can have on children.

The scenario you're describing doesn't sound like a very big deal.

You clearly want 100% of your husband's time and attention to be focused on you and your son.

However, his daughter only gets to spend 2 weekends a month with her own dad, and yes she wants his attention during that time.

You seem to think she should act like a grateful guest in your home. She's entitled to time with her own dad.

You should probably just let them go off together on those weekends as much as they want and accept you'll be solo parenting during that time. You had a kid with a man who already has children and you have to make allowances because of that.

If she annoys you, just spend less time with her. I'm sure you and your son can have lovely weekends together doing things a five year old can enjoy and your husband and his daughter can do things she'll enjoy.

you said she is young for her years emotionally, throw in how she fits in with your family, despite you doing all you can, then her hormones will be starting to rage, all this may cause her to have difficulty regulating her emotions. Then chuck in learnt behaviour - I cry, I get my own way with dad, will add too it.
Your H may want to make her happy, but this approach isn’t as she’s upset.
I feel for you as it’s very hard to break a cycle of behaviour.

I think it's fairly normal for young teenagers to cry more among families than friends. Peer group pressures and a less complex relationship with friends than family would be among the causes. It doesn't mean they are being manipulative when they cry around family.

I saw someone comment that the five year old deserves a stress free day on his birthday. There's no reason for the five year old to be stressed because his sister cries, so long as everyone else doesn't get dramatic. It's also unlikely that any child gets a day free of minor sibling dramas and big childish emotions so long as they actually have siblings. These don't seem like difficult stepchild problems. They seem like normal family life.

I see that this child is the only one of three stepchildren still visiting regularly. I would be all the more supportive of her father's relationship with her for that reason.

That's beside the point. Yes dad must do better!! But if she cries every time things don't go her way then that becomes a problem for her in adulthood. I do not know any 13yr olds who would cry in public

The way to 'manage her behaviour' is to plan the day appropriately and tell her what is happening with reasonably accurate but flexible timings for focusing on her needs and on DS' needs fairly.

It's such a shame that you've chosen to interpret her actions as 'she needs the attention' and not just that she's a 13 year old chicl, who is full of honmones, nagivating life split between two parents.

She sees her dad EOW and you grudge her getting one hour of solo attention from him! I think that would say anyone's resilience.

What are the actual issues? She cries sometimes? She wants her dad's attention? She's 13, give her a break. Maybe she needs more one on one time with her dad, maybe she needs something else, maybe someone could talk about it with her and try to find out why she could possibly be crying as a 13 year old with a broken family and going through adolescence.

You don’t need to be involved in activities between her and her father. He only sees her on weekends. I think you’re being unreasonable.

Absolutely this is the right thing to do. Separate and keep each child happy individually.
its a trip for the kids, not the parents.
and ‘she has no resilience’
wtf?
what a bloody weird thing to say, mean and judgmental. She’s a kid, she probably appears to have ‘no resilience’ around you because you say shit like this.
you’ve heard a slightly outdated buzzword and ran with it.
maybe just let your partner deal with his child and you focus on your more resilient five year old 🙄

Adults cry in public. Wth 🤦🏽‍♀️
she’s probably crying because she feels helpless, let down and disappointed by her experience every time she sees her dad.

Sounds like the crying is manipulative. And I can completely see why it ruins days out. At the same time, at 13 she is not going to want to spend most of her day trailing after a 5 year old (even if she acts on the young side) and if she only sees her dad for a few days a months, it's not surprising she wants to spend at least some time with just him or that she wants to feel like his absolute priority when she's there. So there may be some mismatched expectations on both sides.

Giving her more time just with her dad when she spends time with you is a good idea. Take DS off, or stay home while DH takes her off. Or both go off to different places. But I think you should expect him to be giving most of his attention to her when she's there.

Why is he spending money on his adult children to the extent he can't take the 13yr DD and 5yr DS he is financially responsible for out on trips?

But IS it "exactly" that? I get it, some kids do have to be the centre of attention at all cost. But is that what's happening here, or is she going through a rough patch and it's seeping through into all areas of her life? I remember going through a period of crying at the drop of a hat when I was a child - it wasn't because I lacked resilience or the particular incident was so bad, it was that life was particularly terrible at that stage, so absolutely anything extra that went wrong on top of that tipped me over the edge. But I didn't have the words to articulate that as a young child, or even realise that that's what was happening. When life became more stable, the crying stopped.

Also, it's not unreasonable that your DSD should have some time with just her dad, just like your own child should, if they wish. Whilst the mental image of a happy family outing with the entire family enjoying the same thing is lovely, the reality is, it's not unusual for parents to split up at some point during the day, with one taking the older child whilst the other takes the younger one, particularly when you're at places with rides or attractions that aren't suitable for both kids to do together. I'd just factor this into days out moving forward and discuss it in advance. It doesn't have to be a huge issue.

Of course she has no resilience and craves attention, she's a thirteen year old child! And not only that, she's a thirteen year old child whose parents have split up and now her father has moved in with another woman, had another child, and lives with both of them (his new family) full time while she gets to see her father every other weekend while, presumably, being made to feel unwelcome by the new woman.

Hardly a mystery, OP. Why oh why do people find partners with children from previous relationships if they aren't prepared for what it entails.

She’s 13. She only sees her dad every other weekend and she is good with her little half brother who lives full time with her dad. And her step mother seems to resent any time she spends alone with her dad. She’s doing pretty well in my book!

She's 13, sees her dad EOW, has a stepmum she didn't choose, and a half sibling that lives with his mum and their shared dad all the time, whilst she has to split her time between two families.

Honestly, why are you surprised that she's emotional or 'lacks resilience'? She's dealing with a lot at a time when hormones are all over the place.

I'd be far more concerned about supporting her than the effect her crying has on days out every other week.