Daughter being difficult about my partner

[fedupatthemoment]

This is not a step child issue but I thought it may be the best place to put it as many of you may have dealt with similar issues.

my dd is 18 and I have been single most of her life (I have dated but no serious relationships that have lasted a long time).

I have met a man that I am very happy with, he treats me very well and he is also good to my dd. He stays at my house often and my dd has a problem with this.

she also heard us having sex some time ago and made a massive deal about it, but since then things have got better and we have had some great times together the 3 of us. I can tell she likes him as a person but she is unhappy about the relationship as we spend a lot of time together and it is a serious relationship (not like others I have had).

it has been nearly a year since she heard us having sex but recently heard again, and text me in the night saying you are disgusting!

i tried to speak to her about it after and said I’m sorry you heard but i am not disgusting, you also have a boyfriend that you have sex with so does that make you disgusting?

she has made things very uncomfortable at home since then.

I went out with my partner and his children recently (they are very young) and when she found out she started talking about things saying they are my step children and I am moving on and making a life without her.

me and my partner include her in a lot of things and even suggested we all go out together (my dd and his dcs). The thing is absolutely anything I do I get told I’m doing something wrong.

my view is she is 18, I have been on my own for years and spent my life raising her, she is talking about moving out etc. should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

I understand it’s uncomfortable to hear your mum having sex, but she is taking it way too far now.

and anything I do that is nice for my partner or his dcs is a massive problem. Like I got them a Christmas present (not expensive) she thought that was so strange. But my partner also got my dd something and that was fine.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I can see my dd thinks I don’t care about her because I am in a relationship and spend a lot of time with him. But she is 18, she has a boyfriend, she works. Often when she is home she is in her room, she doesn’t want to do days out with me etc. so should I just stay home alone forever incase she wants to spend time with me on the odd occasion?

I am considering family counselling for me and dd to see if an outsider could help me to explain that she will never not be a priority to me, but I want to live my life and I’m not doing anything wrong. I completely understand her hearing us is horrible but I have apologised.

OP, I think your idea of family counselling is a really good one. It will be good to talk this through together.

I'm with your daughter here.

It's absolutely rank she's heard you having sex. It's disgusting.

I once walked in on my mum in the lounge sitting on top on her then boyfriend facing him. It was only like 8pm and I was a teenager. They knew I was in upstairs in my room and I came down to get a drink and it was open plan lounge and kitchen.

You deserve a relationship but you're wrong in how you're going about it.
I don't blame her being upset about the sex that's not nice for her to hear .
It's her home and it's been made to feel uncomfortable by your actions.

She is 18 not 13, My mother produced step fathers at regular intervals from my being 9 to leaving home at 18. I heard her having sex with most of them- I never mentioned it, why would you comment on something so personal?
This daughter is obviously very immature and thinks it's appropriate throwing her toys out of the pram when she is 18 and an adult- that is not realistic- she needs a reality check not sympathy.

You deserve happiness, and she's being a spoiled brat.

Not every 18 year old is the same, or has the same maturity or secure attachment. Calling a young woman ‘manipulative’ or ‘spoiled’ because things are changing and she is voicing how uncomfortable she is, is actually vile and quite spiteful.

Urghhhh I have the ick. There is no reason why your daughter should be hearing you have sex, show some respect for her. Nothing wrong with you wanting someone new in your life but surely you can see she is jealous and feels like she is losing her mum. Maybe put some time aside just for her?

Men who have sex loudly enough in an 18 year old girls home that the 18 year old girl can hear… aren’t generally going to be very thoughtful or kind men. Those who do so more than once are, in my opinion, doing it on purpose because they want them to hear.

I cringe when I hear next door having sex plus downright annoying the walls are paper thin, I think it's disgusting you think it's ok for your only daughter to hear it. Your going to push her away so then what was the point of bringing her up alone to then push her away

Ewwww!

Your dc heard you making sex noise.

That's so so sooooo grim 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Well I guess if OP wants her dd to remember being thrown out of her home as a teenager in favour of OP's new shag partner she could do that....

You've obviously had a less-than-ideal experience with men being in your home and I'm sorry you had to experience that as a young girl. Having several men live in your home over the course of adolescence and hearing your mum having sex with them is not okay, even if you chose not to say anything.

Whilst you chose not to speak up, it doesn't mean anyone else going through the same has to react the way you did or are immature and childish for rightly being uncomfortable in a situation like this. Young girls should NEVER be forced to live with non-related men who they have only met when pre-teen or adolescent. Their safe space and home is compromised and any man who is okay with a child hearing him have sex in her home is pretty disgusting.

Should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

Come on, it’s not forever, it’s a year or two surely. You’ve practically moved some dude into her home and now the poor girl has to listen to the two of you bouncing the bedsprings, or worrying that she’s going to.

No teenager wants to hear their parents having sex, much less a parent and someone they’re not even related to.

I don’t think anyone who is in a child’s life for a few years at best actually qualifies for stepparent status. That just sounds like a parade of boyfriends, and behaviour on your mother’s part that has normalized a very unhealthy and unstable situation. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Neither, and I lived at home until I was 22. It cannot be that hard to manage.

I'm sorry but that wasn't right at all. You don't need to project your childhood on this young lady

she is used to you doing exactly what she wants and putting her needs first. time to tell her a few home truths. yes you are her mother and you love her and always will . but you are also human and deserve to be loved and that she needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. that being said she is still only 18 and they really still haven't learnt to be understanding of other peoples feelings x

Utterly cringeworthy that she has been made to hear you having sex. Keep a lid on it! Every time.

Your mother didn't produce stepfathers.... she produced her latest man of the hour. That was an extremely unhealthy lifestyle to push on you.

I think asking a parent to keep the noise down when shagging a random man they've basically moved in and invaded your space is perfectly OK. It's just utter disrespect purposely making sex noise so your child can hear it at night... and tbh I'd be very worried about a random middle aged man enjoying the knowledge an 18yo girl can hear him.

I don't think the daughter is immature. I think she has had a great relationship with her mum.her whole life and then all.of a sudden her mother meets a (disgusting) man, essentially moves him in, and plays happy families with his young kids. She's evidently put out that as soon as she turned 18 Mommy dearest is seen to be dumping her.

Absolutely 100% this

Unfortunately that poster's experiences have led to her normalising a child hearing her mum have sex with different men from age 9. 🙁

The mum has to hear her 18 year old daughter having sex.Isn't that double standards?

She didn't say that though. She said you also have a boyfriend you have sex with. Either way, as a parent OP should be much more considerate of her DDs. Teenagers are known for being selfish and inconsiderate at times because they aren't fully fledged adults yet, it's as if the mum has taken on that role now with her like it or lump it attitide.

Urgh stop being a herbert and shagging so loud your kid can hear you fgs. No one is that good that you cant help but be heard through a closed door and walls 🙄

That's not at all what the OP wrote though.