Daughter being difficult about my partner

[fedupatthemoment]

This is not a step child issue but I thought it may be the best place to put it as many of you may have dealt with similar issues.

my dd is 18 and I have been single most of her life (I have dated but no serious relationships that have lasted a long time).

I have met a man that I am very happy with, he treats me very well and he is also good to my dd. He stays at my house often and my dd has a problem with this.

she also heard us having sex some time ago and made a massive deal about it, but since then things have got better and we have had some great times together the 3 of us. I can tell she likes him as a person but she is unhappy about the relationship as we spend a lot of time together and it is a serious relationship (not like others I have had).

it has been nearly a year since she heard us having sex but recently heard again, and text me in the night saying you are disgusting!

i tried to speak to her about it after and said I’m sorry you heard but i am not disgusting, you also have a boyfriend that you have sex with so does that make you disgusting?

she has made things very uncomfortable at home since then.

I went out with my partner and his children recently (they are very young) and when she found out she started talking about things saying they are my step children and I am moving on and making a life without her.

me and my partner include her in a lot of things and even suggested we all go out together (my dd and his dcs). The thing is absolutely anything I do I get told I’m doing something wrong.

my view is she is 18, I have been on my own for years and spent my life raising her, she is talking about moving out etc. should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

I understand it’s uncomfortable to hear your mum having sex, but she is taking it way too far now.

and anything I do that is nice for my partner or his dcs is a massive problem. Like I got them a Christmas present (not expensive) she thought that was so strange. But my partner also got my dd something and that was fine.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I can see my dd thinks I don’t care about her because I am in a relationship and spend a lot of time with him. But she is 18, she has a boyfriend, she works. Often when she is home she is in her room, she doesn’t want to do days out with me etc. so should I just stay home alone forever incase she wants to spend time with me on the odd occasion?

I am considering family counselling for me and dd to see if an outsider could help me to explain that she will never not be a priority to me, but I want to live my life and I’m not doing anything wrong. I completely understand her hearing us is horrible but I have apologised.

I really feel for you, OP.

You did the “right thing” by staying single as your DD grew up, and now that she is older and growing in independence (her own boyfriend, job) and you have finally found someone who makes you happy and treats you well.

But you are wrong for that too.

Your DD is obviously jealous, but it’s not okay for her to treat you the way she is. You have sacrificed your own happiness for hers for a long time.

But rather than acknowledge that your daughter is being controlling of you, most posters would rather tell you that your boyfriend is disgusting and enjoys your daughter hearing you both have sex.

Some people will fixate on her only being 18, but I’ve noticed that there doesn’t seem to be an age limit for this sort of behaviour. I’ve seen some outrageous behaviour defended on MN because someone’s mum or dad had the audacity to get into a new relationship - a pregnant woman was encouraged to allow her SD to chose a name for the baby to help with her feelings of jealously and being pushed out. The SD was 28.

So, what I am trying to say is that this is not the best place for reasonable, balanced advice in this kind of situation. I’ve read hundreds of threads like this one. It doesn’t matter the age of the child, the overwhelming consensus is always that getting involved in a relationship is selfish, and that if you dare to do so, then you should put up with behaviours that would have the same posters screaming “LTB” if those behaviours were being exhibited by a partner/spouse.

Actually, I think if you read the thread the vast majority of people haven't complained about the OP being in a relationship. The issue is the speed of said relationship. Of course the OP should find love, that's not up for debate.

But it sounds like this man basically lives with the OP and her daughter and its obviously causing the daughter some distress.... thats perfectky normal. She isn't used to a man living in the house and making really uncomfortable noises at night. And the rest of the time the OP is doing things with his much younger children.... again its fine but the OP needs to realise that her daughter will also have feelings of being replaced. It doesn't matter what age you are... its a hard pull to swallow.

They are both entitled to live their lives... just be considerate of eachother.

@Vivi0 Nobody has said that OP should never ever meet a man but she is forcing this man on her Dd at a very tricky age and she is having loud sex with him in her and her DDs home so that she can hear. 18 isn't some magical age where you suddenly don't need to feel loved anymore.

Also, why should the DD be grateful that her mum has prioritised her during her upbringing, that just comes natural when you are a good and considerate parent. For the OP to have gone from a loving and devoted mother with a close relationship with her child to having a man staying half the week who she has loud sex with must completely confusing for her child. There is a middle ground here where the OP dates this man, stays over at his when he doesn't have his kids and gently introduces him to her DD, but OP chose a very different path.

She is not unreasonable to find the sound of you having sex 🤮 and tell you off for being too loud. If it was the other way round then she would deserve being told too. Don’t you remember being 18 and finding the idea of your parents shagging gross? On top of that she heard you which is deeply unpleasant. I live with my adult kids and they have sex but not so loudly that the rest of the household can hear. Same rules if they were in a house share- noisy sex is antisocial for others.

I think that she’s not unreasonable to be concerned about the effects of the younger kids. If this is a serious relationship then they will be your stepkids one day and it may spook her to see you mothering them.

Of course it’s fine that you’re dating and it’s good news that things are going well but your dd isn’t unreasonable to be more cautious than you are. Weren’t you like that when she started dating? Teens are less accepting of stepparents than younger kids ime and it doesn’t help that most films and tv programmes involving blended families involve trauma and chaos. You should have some understanding imho.

You absolutely can have a personal life and find happiness. Why does your daughter need to be a part of that? She will be moving on soon. Be patient.

You also really glossed over the elephant in the room. This man has young children. She would probably be much more comfortable with a man at the same lifestage as you. Instead, she has to feel like you are replacing her with a new family. She may even be worried that you are going to have another baby. Presuming you are not planning to be a cliche, you should address that issue with her proactively.

Also, why should the DD be grateful that her mum has prioritised her during her upbringing, that just comes natural when you are a good and considerate parent.

Completely disagree.

Most parents are doing their best by their children. But parents also have needs that cannot be met by a relationship with their children alone.

I’d say sacrificing those other needs for almost 2 decades goes beyond what a good and considerate parent is.

The mother had other relationships though.... so those needs were being met.
This is just "more serious"

She said she “dated”.

It’s not the same.

Ok grammar police 😂

I would think that means she DATED people so she didn't sacrifice her needs for almost two decades... she just didn't find "the one"

You know her personally, do you?

What do you think?

I do know that dating doesn’t fulfil needs in the same way as having a partner does.

It's the same thing. Dating, going out with, or being in a relationship. You're just quibbling over semantics.

I’m really not.

Casual dating is not the same as being in a secure relationship.

What if you've been dating for months?

Then the relationship would naturally progress, but the OP hasn’t done that because she has put her daughter first for almost 2 decades.

She's still a teenager and a man she did not choose is spending a lot of time in her home, where she should feel completely comfortable, and she has heard you having sex... twice.

Can you not imagine why she's struggling?

In your shoes I'd try spending more time 1:1 with her, reassure her that your relationship with her is still the same and you're not replacing your small family unit with your partner and his young children, and limit how often he's in your home until she's more comfortable or moves out.

Thank goodness you know all the ins and outs of the OPs life 🙄

I clearly don’t.

But I suppose pointing out that the OP has sacrificed her own happiness for the sake of her daughter for a long time, is too much for some people to handle.

Best just go back to calling her disgusting, selfish and inconsiderate.

As I said OP, this isn’t the best place for balanced, reasonable advice on this sort of issue.

Nothing you do will be enough. Ever.

I know your daughter is legally an adult but speaking from experience, it's so so important for girls/boys to feel like they have a proper home where they feel truly comfortable and wanted there at this age.
Quite honestly living with your mum behaving like a loved up teenager and her boyfriend coming and going all the time is unlikely to make her feel very comfortable in her home.

What sacrifices though? She has parented her daughter.

Also... the vast majority of people are saying she of course is entitled to a relationship but just STFU when banging the random man at night and have a small bit of respect for others living in the house.

Prioritise isn’t the same as sacrifice. By prioritising her DD I meant she made sure she felt loved, considered, secure, safe etc. She has still dated and explored that side but kept her DD out of it. She has now done a complete u-turn and pretty much moved a man in against her dd’s wishes and has sex so that she can hear. I guess everyone parents differently but if my mum would have done that when ai was that age it would have definitely changed my view of her and our relationship. There’s ways of handling things respectfully and then there’s OPs way.

But what is the point in putting so much effort into the relationship with your child if you plan for there to be cliff edge and set fire to the relationship the moment your child turns 18? The resulting relationship is just as poor as it would be if you had been a poor parent from day one.

Youre not doing anything wrong living your life and meeting someone but dont you understand that shes so used to it being you two and is struggling? As for the sex stuff though, just no. Stop having sex loud enough that she can hear you when shes at home.

100% and I’m speaking as a mum who did date when my DS was a young teen. His boundaries were respected and I kept my sex life as far away from him as possible and didn’t have my partner stay overnight while he was there for over a year.

Of course it’s absolutely fine to have a partner when you’re a parent but it’s about respecting all parties and taking the DC who haven’t chosen this person thoughts and feelings into account.

I came into my DPs life when his DD was 21 and it completely blew up their relationship which until then had been very close.
Here is what I now know we got wrong:
I effectively moved in straight away as DP lived alone. DD had finished uni, she had a flat in London, but after a falling out with flatmates she wanted to come home and there I was. I was pissed off to have a moody 21 year old sulking about, she was pissed off to have come back to a couple in the flush a romance. It was horrible and she felt pushed out. I should have done more to include her or stepped away myself.

We didn't care about discretion. We didn't have loud sex but we held hands and exchanged looks and things that clearly annoyed her. I actually think looking back we both hoped she'd take the hint and go back to her flat. That was really mean and I regret it.

DP didn't prioritize her and I didn't encourage him to. I think this was the biggest one. She was used to her dad dropping everything to fawn over her. He had been a doting and indulgent dad (his words) for her entire life, but then I was there and weekends were our time, and she didn't ask for his time, but I think she'd have liked to be offered it and not just been included in our plans, but offered special plans with her dad.

Through all of this I was 28, old enough to know better, but immature enough to not care particularly.

Now I'm 37 with a daughter of my own, and I wish I had had more compassion and more self awareness. Prioritise your DD now @fedupatthemoment and ask your partner to step back a little, it will make all the difference in years to come.