Daughter being difficult about my partner

[fedupatthemoment]

This is not a step child issue but I thought it may be the best place to put it as many of you may have dealt with similar issues.

my dd is 18 and I have been single most of her life (I have dated but no serious relationships that have lasted a long time).

I have met a man that I am very happy with, he treats me very well and he is also good to my dd. He stays at my house often and my dd has a problem with this.

she also heard us having sex some time ago and made a massive deal about it, but since then things have got better and we have had some great times together the 3 of us. I can tell she likes him as a person but she is unhappy about the relationship as we spend a lot of time together and it is a serious relationship (not like others I have had).

it has been nearly a year since she heard us having sex but recently heard again, and text me in the night saying you are disgusting!

i tried to speak to her about it after and said I’m sorry you heard but i am not disgusting, you also have a boyfriend that you have sex with so does that make you disgusting?

she has made things very uncomfortable at home since then.

I went out with my partner and his children recently (they are very young) and when she found out she started talking about things saying they are my step children and I am moving on and making a life without her.

me and my partner include her in a lot of things and even suggested we all go out together (my dd and his dcs). The thing is absolutely anything I do I get told I’m doing something wrong.

my view is she is 18, I have been on my own for years and spent my life raising her, she is talking about moving out etc. should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

I understand it’s uncomfortable to hear your mum having sex, but she is taking it way too far now.

and anything I do that is nice for my partner or his dcs is a massive problem. Like I got them a Christmas present (not expensive) she thought that was so strange. But my partner also got my dd something and that was fine.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I can see my dd thinks I don’t care about her because I am in a relationship and spend a lot of time with him. But she is 18, she has a boyfriend, she works. Often when she is home she is in her room, she doesn’t want to do days out with me etc. so should I just stay home alone forever incase she wants to spend time with me on the odd occasion?

I am considering family counselling for me and dd to see if an outsider could help me to explain that she will never not be a priority to me, but I want to live my life and I’m not doing anything wrong. I completely understand her hearing us is horrible but I have apologised.

You are completely in the wrong here. For her to hear you twice is unacceptable and she is right it is disgusting nobody wants to hear someone else having sex especially not a parent .

She is at the absolute worse age for what you are trying to do. All you are doing is furthering the divide between her and your partner. Neither of you seem to be very considerate or respectful towards your DD. If you need to sleep with a man, go to his place and sleep there instead.

I too am divorced and have young adult kids, no man has slept in the home I shared with my kids whilst they have been at home. There is no part of me that would have felt OK with inflicting that sort of uncomfortable situation on them. My relationship with my kids come before any relationship with any man, and if I want my kids to have a nice and respectful relationship with any future partner, I certainly wouldn't exposed them to having to listen to me having sex with him first. It's as if you are actively trying to push her out by making her uncomfortable.

I hope this isn't real.

Even if you lived in a house share with a person not related to you it would be disrespectful. This is your daughter. This is her family home. You have to respect that.

I was made to be around my mother's boyfriends when I was a kid and young teen and it made me very self conscious and uncomfortable in my own home, I also heard my mother having sex.

I'd be wary of a male entering a young woman's house and making loud sex noises- what's the need for it?

Date him away from your house a lot more, you only have a short time until your daughter presumably will move away/be at university.

You are risking your whole relationship with her. Let her move out first, support her to do so, and then get cosy with your boyfriend and his kids. There’s no rush, is there? Unless you’re planning a new child with him?

Why does he need to stay at your house so often? I can see why that would be off putting to an 18yo... a random man basically moved in. And she's probably worried about the fact he's around so much and has young kids so that could have a huge impact on her life.

Of course you deserve to be happy. But you should also just be a courteous person. Loud sex is disgusting to hear no matter who it is... let alone your mother and her boyfriend. She's right to say you are disgusting... you can be discreet but you and or your partner have chosen to be loud instead.

Of course she's worried about you moving on creating a new family dynamic. Lots of 18yo talk about moving out... that doesn't mean they need to be happy that their mother is seen to be replacing them (because that's how she will see it).

No need to be having sex while your DD is in the house, which is her home. The comment you made to her about her having sex with her bf was childish and unecessary. You are her mother. On top of that, yes, she feels she's being replaced. Of course you deserve a life, but your DD must ALWAYS come first. Partners can be replaced, daughters, and mothers, can't

Wooooow she heard you having sex twice? That’s horrendous. YABU

Most teenage girls would find it uncomfortable having an unrelated man moving in. Bit of an exaggeration to ask if this means you must be single forever.

Him being there half the time means she has to cover up in the house and has no privacy in her own home! Can you not stay at his house more often?

He left the mother of his kids when they were babies so that’s not great.

You are allowed to have a relationship but the loud sex is cringeworthy.

A year is nothing @fedupatthemoment and I say that as a mum and a stepmum. You need to give her time to adjust, how long were you together before he started staying over and the sex began at home?

But equally her having to listen to you having sex is also pretty unfair, especially when she has already voiced that it makes her uncomfortable. It os her home top and she absolutely 100% deserves to feel at easy and safe there.

Do it when she isn't there or go to his house, do you appreciate hearing her have sex with her boyfriend?

You need to do something so she cannot hear you in bed. That could be going elsewhere or waiting till she's out and not expected to be home for a while or jiggling around who uses which bedroom or improving the soundproofing of the rooms.

If you can fix that problem some of the rest will fall into place more readily. But nobody wants to listen to their relatives doing sex stuff whether it's parents/grandparents/adult children.

@fedupatthemoment Your daughter is 18! She doesn't get a say in who you date as long as that person behaves respectfully towards her. Try some humour- next time she says something tell her that she's right- both of you should ditch your bfs and spend all your free time together doing nice activities. If she's sane she will turn that down.

About the sex thing.. that's really not on. I overheard my mum and her dh when I was 12 and it was horrible. Really grim. Even at 18 you do not want to hear that. Surely you can be quiet?

Oh come on. Noisy sex is pure exhibitionism as a rule.

If you’re making noise it’s because you want people to hear. Anyone who has noisy sex with other people in the house knows they can hear and carries on anyway.

Tell her if she is disgusted you have your own life it is time she moved out- she is 18 and an adult, it is high time she started behaving like one-not a sulky 13 year old.

She's right, you are disgusting for having loud sex that your daughter can hear. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'd question the intentions of a new partner that wants loud sex whilst your teenage daughter is in the next room.

How much time do you spend just you and her? Or is it always you her and your new man? I suspect that at the heart of this she feels displaced and needs reassurance that she's still the most important person in your life.

Oh yes and keep the noise down! Noone wants to listen to their mother having sex!

I agree that it is wrong to have this man in the house around your teenage daughter.

We don't know how loud the sex is. It is possible to hear 'quiet sex' due to floors/beds vibrating, bodies slapping together etc. . I don't understand why everyone is giving the OP a hard time about noisy sex. Her daughter has heard it twice in a year as a teenager. Its uncomfortable, but hardly grim or exhibitionist imo

Agree with this. It’s been just her and mum got a long time and now there’s a 3rd wheel taking up most of her mums time. And she sees this new family coming over the horizon and feels like it’s too much change

With how unsettled she’s feeling, hearing her mum shagging loudly really is a step too far. It’s pretty grim tbh.

No one is saying you shouldn’t date and find happiness bet him spending so much time in your (and her) home is something she’s given no choice in and she’s finding it uncomfortable.

18 is still young. And most 18 year olds haven’t got the means to just ‘move out’.

I feel so sorry for her. You don’t need family counselling to work out why she’s upset. Her whole world has turned upside down and she has no control over the noises she’s hearing, who is staying overnight and what the future looks like. It’s scary. She doesn’t have the wider life experience or wisdom to get perspective.

And she’s at such a formative age where she should be able to rely on a parent to be the steady rock while she starts out in the adult world and goes a bit wild and makes all the mistakes. But no. She’s being robbed of that security. You might not think that’s true op, but that is what she is telling you about how she feels.

How noisy is your sex life. Can the neighbours hear?

Daughter is not a child at 18 and is old enough to vote. She is a young adult.

She is also used to having you all to herself. So really needs time to adjust.

As for your new partner. He seems to be very quick to be off the blocks in wanting to establish a serioous relationship.

Seen this many times before and after a few to years. Things went shaped.

So don't rush anything.

I would offer your daughter mum and daughter time each week even if it’s ’come To the petrol station for a snack run with me’ ‘let’s go to costa’ ‘want to join me for a walk?’ ‘Want to go to cinema’
she will either come too so she should be more chill about you seeing your boyfriend, or she says no and then you can say ‘well I do try but you’re busy darling!’

It’s really grim to hear a parent having sex I never have

I think this is spot on.

I was the DD once. My long-term-single mother met a man when I was 18. I was THRILLED for her. Sure, I didn’t love having to make small talk with him and it was cringey seeing my mum act like a schoolgirl and change her behaviour over a man. But I kept my feelings to myself because my mum deserved a shot at a nice relationship and I didn’t expect her life to revolve around me.

Is Dd generally quite spoiled?