Daughter being difficult about my partner

[fedupatthemoment]

This is not a step child issue but I thought it may be the best place to put it as many of you may have dealt with similar issues.

my dd is 18 and I have been single most of her life (I have dated but no serious relationships that have lasted a long time).

I have met a man that I am very happy with, he treats me very well and he is also good to my dd. He stays at my house often and my dd has a problem with this.

she also heard us having sex some time ago and made a massive deal about it, but since then things have got better and we have had some great times together the 3 of us. I can tell she likes him as a person but she is unhappy about the relationship as we spend a lot of time together and it is a serious relationship (not like others I have had).

it has been nearly a year since she heard us having sex but recently heard again, and text me in the night saying you are disgusting!

i tried to speak to her about it after and said I’m sorry you heard but i am not disgusting, you also have a boyfriend that you have sex with so does that make you disgusting?

she has made things very uncomfortable at home since then.

I went out with my partner and his children recently (they are very young) and when she found out she started talking about things saying they are my step children and I am moving on and making a life without her.

me and my partner include her in a lot of things and even suggested we all go out together (my dd and his dcs). The thing is absolutely anything I do I get told I’m doing something wrong.

my view is she is 18, I have been on my own for years and spent my life raising her, she is talking about moving out etc. should I just stay on my own forever and not have a partner I am happy with?

I understand it’s uncomfortable to hear your mum having sex, but she is taking it way too far now.

and anything I do that is nice for my partner or his dcs is a massive problem. Like I got them a Christmas present (not expensive) she thought that was so strange. But my partner also got my dd something and that was fine.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I can see my dd thinks I don’t care about her because I am in a relationship and spend a lot of time with him. But she is 18, she has a boyfriend, she works. Often when she is home she is in her room, she doesn’t want to do days out with me etc. so should I just stay home alone forever incase she wants to spend time with me on the odd occasion?

I am considering family counselling for me and dd to see if an outsider could help me to explain that she will never not be a priority to me, but I want to live my life and I’m not doing anything wrong. I completely understand her hearing us is horrible but I have apologised.

And what is the relationship between your DP and his DD like now?

Non existent. They had a quiet falling out years ago, about a few things all wrapped up in a small catalyst, and they haven't spoken since except for one email each when DPs father died. They didn't even check in on each other during the pandemic. DP says that she must be fine or her mother would have told him, and I suppose she maybe thinks the same? I don't know and it isn't my place to intervene, but it is quite sad really.
From his perspective, twenty-one years of devoted parenting shouldn't have been cast aside because he became wrapped up in someone else after she had left home, and I do think she behaved badly too (things I won't go into here, but she was rather cruel), but I can also see her perspective and I do often think about how she must have felt and the hurt that the poor behaviour was surely masking. Reasonable or not, she had her feelings and he/we could have done more.