Kids sharing a bedroom drama

[Mammykay]

Hi all, just wanting some other peoples opinions on the bedroom situation we have going on.

DH has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 9yo. I’ve been in her life for 5 years and we’ve always had a good relationship. Her mum was quite high conflict in the beginning (calling me names, being difficult with contact etc) but that’s calmed down since before I had my son (18 months old).

When me and DH bought our house, SD being an only child had the second bedroom to herself and there were no issues. Son was in with me and DH until about 6 months ago. SD was OVERJOYED at the idea of sharing her room with DS and couldn’t wait for it to happen. She stays over 3 nights every other weekend and then spends a couple of evenings here through the week - me or DH pick her up from school and her mum collects her before bedtime.

Before doing the big bedroom transition we redecorated (it went from pink to blue, SD chose the colour) got both kids new beds etc and made it lovely.

Son (18 months old) moved into that bedroom to share with SD about 4 months ago, and things have appeared absolutely fine. SD has never shown any issue with sharing, quite the opposite. However her mum is now constantly messaging DH basically saying that we’ve “given SDs room to our son” and “replaced her”. DH was really upset about this obviously and SD hasn’t come to him and said anything. When asked, her mum said that SD had told her that she hates sharing her room and it’s now a boys room because it’s been decorated blue. She apparently wishes I would just leave and she hates me for taking her room away.

Its come so out of the blue that me and DH are questioning whether this is actually coming from SD or if her mum is back to her old ways and trying to cause a rift. DH will have a chat with SD when she’s here tomorrow.

I don’t know how to handle this. I feel like possibly my SD is being turned against me.

Attic room?? Room divider nailed to the wall? I think there are beds you can get that divide rooms for you?

girly bed tent?

Oooh this might help https://funkybunkbeds.com/product/room-divider-bunk-bed/. We had this with our kids and converted the attic and got a loo up there, which has been great for our teenage girl…

Give the children the biggest room and have it partitioned. Your husbands daughter is quite possibly telling both sides what they want to hear, children of blended families have a tendency to be people pleasers, I certainly was.

either way, she’s getting to an age where it’s not going to be practical to share with a little brother, home work, bedtimes, puberty.

Son was in with me and DH until about 6 months ago. SD was OVERJOYED at the idea of sharing her room with DS and couldn’t wait for it to happen.

I'm sorry but did you and DH (as adults) not realise that a 9 year old girl probably didn't really understand the concept of sharing a room with a toddler?!
Just because she said she was happy... She didn't have a clue what it would entail!!!

What was the plan for the next 2-3 years as she becomes a teenager and starts her period / hormone changes etc?!

You bought a house which wasn't big enough for the child that your DH already had when you knew you wanted another baby.

And come on, you knew full well it wasn't going to work.

I can’t imagine a 9yo girl wanting to share a bedroom with a 1.5yr old boy. It’s like she is free babysitting. It is entirely inappropriate and not at all sustainable long term. I don’t know why you ever thought it was a good idea. Decorating it blue was basically erasing her from her room. Yes I understand the ex has form for shit stirring, but I don’t think it is likely in this case at all. Your step-daughter likely felt she had no choice but to agree or perhaps she’d not be allowed to stay over several nights a week. Which sounds close enough to 50/50 that she should have her own bedroom.

You need to move DS back in with you until you find a home with another bedroom or can convert another room into a bedroom.

Agree you’ve got a max 3 years but more likely 2 before this doesn’t work- you can’t ask a girl going through puberty to share with her half brother.

is converting the loft an option if moving to a 3 bed isn’t possible. (I assume if there’s only 2 bedrooms there’s not a spare room downstairs that could be made a bedroom.)

At 9 she will already be in puberty.

We are in the process of moving into a bigger house where kids will get their own rooms. But it’s a new build and has been a nightmare! We would’ve been moving in summer but it’s been pushed back a million times!
Obviously not ideal but we also can’t make huge changes to the house that we’re in now.

Even the DWP calculates the bedroom entitlement for those on low income benefits such that a child age 10 and above can’t share with a child of the opposite sex.

Yeah sorry i’m with the PPs.

I understand it is generally recommended for children age 10 and over to have their own bedroom. Especially if with opposite sex.

Does your DS at least sleep well?

Then you should never have gone through with this redecorating and sharing malarkey. Put DS back in with you until the new house.

If you’re trying to move to a bigger house, why have you bothered redecorating the room?

Agree the room divider bunkbed linked above is probably the best option. 18mo gets the lower bunk as too small for the ladder. You can't have a pubescent girl sharing with her half-brother and should have seen this coming. If necessary the divider bunk can go in the master bedroom and you & DH have the 2nd bedroom if the shapes/sizes of the rooms make that work better. Of course a young girl will often go along with a plan like your original one but that doesn't mean the reality wouldbe guaranteed to work.

I don’t believe there is another house either.

It’s completely wrong for so many reasons - bedtimes, wake ups, having friends over…you need to take him back into your room or move the kids into the biggest room and split it.

my kids share a room, I don’t expect kids not to have to share but the age gap and sex won’t work. Mine are ID twins so at least same age / sex but they are starting to irritate each other now at 14. We are looking at relocating rooms as the market seems to have fallen off a cliff edge here

It was redecorated 6 months ago with the knowledge that we would be in the house longer than expected. And it only takes an afternoon to paint a bedroom lol. SD had a big double bed in there and we needed 2 beds. DS staying in our room was becoming hard work as DH is up early for work and was waking him up.

Bonkers.
🙄

I 100% believe that your SD could have spoken to her mam about this and told her exactly what she has told you. My dd certainly would speak to me about how she felt about things that happened at her dad's. Rooms being a big one. Ss less to DH and his mam as he coped with separated homes by not wanting to really discuss either with the respective home.

Personally if you are in fact moving I would have held out and not put them in together. Since you have, your DH obviously needs to speak to her and explain its only temporary and soon they will go back to having their own room.

So you push the hard work on your own little Cinderella.
nice parenting