Kids sharing a bedroom drama

[Mammykay]

Hi all, just wanting some other peoples opinions on the bedroom situation we have going on.

DH has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 9yo. I’ve been in her life for 5 years and we’ve always had a good relationship. Her mum was quite high conflict in the beginning (calling me names, being difficult with contact etc) but that’s calmed down since before I had my son (18 months old).

When me and DH bought our house, SD being an only child had the second bedroom to herself and there were no issues. Son was in with me and DH until about 6 months ago. SD was OVERJOYED at the idea of sharing her room with DS and couldn’t wait for it to happen. She stays over 3 nights every other weekend and then spends a couple of evenings here through the week - me or DH pick her up from school and her mum collects her before bedtime.

Before doing the big bedroom transition we redecorated (it went from pink to blue, SD chose the colour) got both kids new beds etc and made it lovely.

Son (18 months old) moved into that bedroom to share with SD about 4 months ago, and things have appeared absolutely fine. SD has never shown any issue with sharing, quite the opposite. However her mum is now constantly messaging DH basically saying that we’ve “given SDs room to our son” and “replaced her”. DH was really upset about this obviously and SD hasn’t come to him and said anything. When asked, her mum said that SD had told her that she hates sharing her room and it’s now a boys room because it’s been decorated blue. She apparently wishes I would just leave and she hates me for taking her room away.

Its come so out of the blue that me and DH are questioning whether this is actually coming from SD or if her mum is back to her old ways and trying to cause a rift. DH will have a chat with SD when she’s here tomorrow.

I don’t know how to handle this. I feel like possibly my SD is being turned against me.

No. People really do love the old evil stepmother story don’t they.

I don’t “love” to say that you are living up to it imho. It is very sad. 😔

i am one of five children. My own mother put my baby sister in my room with exactly the same age splits. I am still bitter about it. She used to ask why I was so cranky…. Uh because now the toddler was waking me up. Thanks a lot mom! my school work suffered

How?
Ive asked for advice as there’s a possibility of my stepdaughter who I love and care about being unhappy. Or the possibility of her mother who bullied me for 3 years twisting it. I’m trying to do the best for both children. Should I move my toddler to sleep in the shed for the next however many months?

Babe we bought a 2 bed to save up for our forever home and have a better home for ALL our children.

Maybe you and your DH should sleep in the living room, so each of the children have a bedroom?

You did orchestrate this situation.

You have had dozens of posts telling you how this was a very bad idea and not at all appropriate for your SD. Now we find out that DS is “hard work” due to waking up. So 9yo Cindy will be handling toddler nightmares won’t she? You chose to bring a new baby into the world, he is your and your husbands responsibility, not his 9 yo half sister’s

As for what you should do, this is now my 3rd time repeating it- move your DS back in with you until you make a 3rd bedroom or move to the new house

I agree, painting it blue was a big mistake. Of course she picked it! She was doing what was expected of her and conforming. I think you should put the toddler back in with you and paint the room white ‘for selling’.

I think you should of kept the biggest room and put the toddler in with you and DH. DD should of had the smallest room because she's a lot older. I dont think there's another house either otherwise you would of told this to her mother. It makes no sense at all. A 9 year old sharing a room with a toddler? Its bonkers. Long term this isnt ok.

For us it is the other way around. Son sleeps through the night now DH isn’t waking him up. My SD we’ve battled at times to get her off the iPad at night

Wow you’ve had some really nasty and unnecessary replies OP. This must be what Justine is talking about.

We have dsd (14) staying every other weekend and she shares with 4 yr old dd. They have bunk beds as it’s a tiny room) I also have a 16 y o dd (who can’t share a room due to ASD).
We didn’t know dsd even existed till
after we had our dd together so it was a massive shock for us and especially dh but we’ve made the best of it. I think it will be difficult with a boy/girl sharing situation OP but as you say you’re moving at some point so make sure dsd knows it just temporary.

Maybe she was conforming. But she’d outgrown the Barbie pink and we asked her what she’d like instead (I couldn’t care less, it’s only for a short time). She picked a light blue. Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked her at all but that seemed like the most logical thing to do and she’s the one spending time in there.

Yep...I'm surprised no-one has suggested that your SD has her own room, your DS has his own room and you go and sleep in the shed.

Honestly just get a room divider, explain to the SD (who, at 9, should be able to understand), that it's not forever but that's how it is for now.

The room colour is a red herring. No reason a 9yo girl can't have a blue room ...one of my dds would have loved that, the other would have probably held out for purple with orange spots given the chance, & both would have rejected pink as babyish.

(We were overseas in rented 'work perk' villas, so they've always had cream/magnolia concrete & free rein with posters, but if I'd been picking up a paintbrush...).

However, it's not great to have them bunking in together given the age gap, boy/girl, & the fact that it used to be dsd's room & now there's a little interloper, who is there full time when she is not.

I think I'd talk up the new house/rooms as much as possible, if it's reasonably imminent. How as a reward for being such a great sport about sharing with her annoying little dB for a few months, she'll be getting her choice of the two rooms available, her choice of decor etc...

It’s a good idea for your DH to check in with her to see how she’s really feeling - it’s entirely possible that sharing with a toddler is harder than she thought it would be. That’s the approach I’d take with her - hey, what’s it really like sharing with your little brother? What has surprised you? What things do you like, and what are the things that are harder than you thought they’d be?
I definitely wouldn’t be saying anything to try to put her in a position where she has to defend or accuse her mother. Make no reference at all to what she’s saying. Your SD obv will have v divided loyalties and may think she has to keep everyone happy. Main thing is to check in on her and see how she’s really doing - never mind what mum is saying.

Maybe there are a few things that she would really like to add to her bit of the room, special for her, now she’s been in there a while? It’s all temporary anyway until you move. Talking to her about how to adjust things until you all move is good.

You would be better putting your son back in your room. Surely the current set up is a nightmare as the bedroom would have to be checked everyday to make sure there were no toys etc that aren’t suitable for a toddler to keep him safe over night.

I think it’s clear that Mumsnet hates stepmothers lol. I could scream from the rooftops that I’m trying to do what’s best for both kids and still be the evil stepmother.
I think it’d be a very different response if I said my own biological daughter might be unhappy about sharing with her baby brother for a few months.

The whole reason for moving him in to share with SD was so he could actually sleep better so I’m really reluctant to go back on that. But I see what you’re saying and maybe he just has to suffer for a while.

I shared a room with a baby sibling when I was a teenager and sometimes liked it and sometimes resented it. In my experience sibling relationships are often quite up and down. My kids also had to share rooms at different stages for various reasons. I think that used to be pretty normal.
If your SD is spending time between her parents, if it’s just short term before you move, could your son stay in with you when she’s at yours?
I worked with many primary aged girls and a lot of them went from loving pink to purple to blue and I definitely don’t just see that as just a boys’ colour.

Nah I said he’s hard work when my husband wakes him up, he snores and is up early. Since moving in with SD he sleeps like a log. If anything she is the worse sleeper and would be more disruptive to him than he would be to her.

Not sure why you ever put them in together, how does it even work? Are you expecting the 9yo to go to bed at the same time as the 1yo, or is she evicted from her room for the evening once he's gone to bed? If you/DH find it difficult not waking up the baby, I imagine it's equally hard for the 9yo, so not really fair to pass that off to her. The "hard work" should always have remained with the people who decided to create the child.

If you always knew you had a bigger house coming, there really was no reason not to keep the baby in with you. I'd move him back for the next few months, and hope at least some of the damage to your DH/DSD relationship can be mended.

Why are you just making things up?

She said that her husband gets up early for work and wakes their son up when he is in their room. She did not say her son is hard work because he keeps waking up or that he has nightmares.

You are just repeating yourself and being nasty for no reason. It's weird.