Kids sharing a bedroom drama

[Mammykay]

Hi all, just wanting some other peoples opinions on the bedroom situation we have going on.

DH has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 9yo. I’ve been in her life for 5 years and we’ve always had a good relationship. Her mum was quite high conflict in the beginning (calling me names, being difficult with contact etc) but that’s calmed down since before I had my son (18 months old).

When me and DH bought our house, SD being an only child had the second bedroom to herself and there were no issues. Son was in with me and DH until about 6 months ago. SD was OVERJOYED at the idea of sharing her room with DS and couldn’t wait for it to happen. She stays over 3 nights every other weekend and then spends a couple of evenings here through the week - me or DH pick her up from school and her mum collects her before bedtime.

Before doing the big bedroom transition we redecorated (it went from pink to blue, SD chose the colour) got both kids new beds etc and made it lovely.

Son (18 months old) moved into that bedroom to share with SD about 4 months ago, and things have appeared absolutely fine. SD has never shown any issue with sharing, quite the opposite. However her mum is now constantly messaging DH basically saying that we’ve “given SDs room to our son” and “replaced her”. DH was really upset about this obviously and SD hasn’t come to him and said anything. When asked, her mum said that SD had told her that she hates sharing her room and it’s now a boys room because it’s been decorated blue. She apparently wishes I would just leave and she hates me for taking her room away.

Its come so out of the blue that me and DH are questioning whether this is actually coming from SD or if her mum is back to her old ways and trying to cause a rift. DH will have a chat with SD when she’s here tomorrow.

I don’t know how to handle this. I feel like possibly my SD is being turned against me.

Ignore the nasty responders OP. You get a handful on every thread nowadays, always eager to stick the boot in.

Get DH to tell his ex that SD expressed to you both that she was very keen to share with her step brother and she personally chose the colour. He should remind her it's short term until the new house is ready and then she'll have her own room that she can help decorate herself. Other than that ex can keep her nose out.

I would however get DH to have a quiet word with his DD though and try to ascertain if she really is unhappy and why.

Given she’s only there a few nights a fortnight and the toddler won’t care, I’d just bring him back with you on those few nights and make sure the room is 99% her. And be clear on the timeline for the move so her mum knows this is temporary.

Dd1 insisted on sharing with her younger sibling so we made the 3rd bedroom a “den”… 4 months in the novelty wore off and she wanted her own space. I don’t think a 9yo sharing with an 18mo is ever ideal. A child shouldn’t feel like a visitor at dad’s house, but they often do when new babies come along and step child becomes the outsider. It’s a very tough road to navigate. Most just ignore the issue and blame the dc for acting out/evil ex.

As you’ll be moving soon, just put your son back in with you until then.

i do think it’s quite likely that your husbands daughter was either people pleasing or didn’t really realise what it would be like to share a room. A 9 year old and a 1 year old sharing won’t work in a lot of cases.

I would just make sure your SD understands that the new sleeping arrangements are temporary, and she will have her own room in the new house.

Op the only crime you’ve committed here is getting into a relationship with a man who already had a child, consequently making yourself a wicked stepmother. It’s very clear that you care about your SD and have tried to make her happy and comfortable in your home, unlike her actual mother who sounds like she’s been difficult and combative in the past.

If this was a long term situation then it wouldn’t be ideal obviously. But since you’re moving soon I think SD will have to suck it up and keep being reminded that it’s just temporary.

It’s really hard to get sensible replies on any thread involving stepchildren or blended families. Pathetic really.

Do you have realistic information about how long it is likely to be before you move into your new home? I think focusing on the fact that this situation is temporary and talking about her new room in the new house might well be enough. I don’t think it’s especially productive to focus on whether her mother is driving this or not. Your SD could be happy with the situation but able to tell that her mother wants to here negative stories about your household. It’s awful for a child to feel torn in this way and I think this is one of those times when focusing on the future and being positive is all you can do. This will pass.

Once again, a stepmum asks for advice and gets flamed. It’s beyond frustrating. If OP was the mum of both children, it would be put down as perhaps an error in judgement (if we are to believe it isn’t working out for SD) and not to worry, you’re moving soon anyway. How this scenario has meant OP is now treating her SD like Cinderella, making her do all the childcare because of a few nights sharing a room is beyond me.

OP- I haven’t continued to read the comments after some of the ridiculous ones like I’ve mentioned above, but ultimately you/DH has a conversation with SD in which she feels safe to be honest, acknowledging it might be difficult and working out a plan from there. It’s your house so work as a team, guided by feedback (possible shit stirring) from the mum.

Wow, I've just seen the worst of Mumsnet.

OP getting absolutely shredded to bits. It's clear she cares about the step daughter, it's clear this situation is only temporary but the OP is getting treated horribly...

I'm so sorry about the replies you've received OP...

Honestly can’t see the issue here at all yeah it’s not ideal long term but if you’re moving to a bigger house in the near future and SD is happy with the arrangement then it sounds as though the mom is just trying to cause a drama.

Look @Mammykay you and your husband have screwed this up. I get that it was unintentional but its a huge screw up. At 9 your sd is already likely to be going through puberty with all the mixed emotions and hormonal changes and you've basically told her she's not welcome anymore (with your actions not words). I've no doubt that you thought that you were doing the right thing by involving her in the colour choice and biging up sharing but in reality she wouldn't have really been able to say no would she.
The only thing I can suggest is move her into your room and you and dh sleep in the sitting room until you move. Its not perfect but it's the only way forward I can see that doesn't risk further alienating your sd.

Oh my god, the absolute drama because two siblings are temporarily sharing a bedroom. Absolutely ridiculous. It’s a non issue. The mum of DSD is clearly just reverting to dripping poison. OP, you must have known you’d be castigated on here, it’s always the way 😂

Then why did you decorate? Admit it, you were decorating it for him (cause of course boys must have blue right🙄) and she is the part timer

"Before doing the big bedroom transition we redecorated (it went from pink to blue, SD chose the colour) got both kids new beds etc and made it lovely." Does SD prefer blue to pink normally?
"OVERJOYED at the idea of sharing her room with DS and couldn’t wait for it to happen."

I wonder if you are reading her emotions as hers, when really they are the emotions she thinks you want her to have. I mean, she's 9, if she's a kind hearted creature, she's well old enough to think about what you want and what her dad wants and what her little brother might want. She's well old enough to see that life would be better for you if she said her brother could share her room. She's well old enough to have picked up that boys traditional prefer blue to pink, and so to have said she's like a blue room because she thinks it would be more appropriate for her brother.

I think you need to take a step back and recognise the enormous pressure you are putting on this child to do what pleases you. Tell her that it would be easier for you to have the baby in your room when he wakes at night, and move him back and then get her excited about decorating the room as she wants again.

Why can’t girls like blue? Also my toddler is 18 months old he has no idea what colour scheme he’d like lol

I don’t think either me or her dad have put any pressure on her to do what’s best pleases us? SD has been saying since her brother has been BORN can he sleep in my room
with me. Obviously we couldn’t allow it but I don’t think I was misreading her BEGGING us to let him sleep in with her for a year lol. She knows she can be herself and nobody’s forced anything upon her that she hasn’t actually asked for.
As “devils advocate” then maybe for a year she’s been begging because that’s what she THINKS we want. I’m not a mind reader but I know my stepdaughter and I think it’d be a bit of a reach to say she was faking it the whole time to make me/her dad happy!
Similarly people are het up with her wanting a blue bedroom - should I just not ask her input at all in case she just replies with what I want to hear? I’m sure people would be attacking the evil stepmom just as much, if not more, because how dare she not even ask the child? I think I need to accept that I can’t do right for doing wrong.

sorry edited - yeah she’s not a pink kinda girl anymore, was very much in a pink Barbie dolly phase when it was decorated last and she’s outgrown it as kids do

Oh forget the paint colour for now op. It's one of those things which looks worse on paper than it is irl. My dd also hates pink and likes blue, but if I was to move my ds into her room and also painted it blue, it would read as me trying to make it into a boy room even though that isn't right

Anyway, sorry about the cramped quarters. I think you need to take action. Either move ds back in with you or give the kids both bedrooms and set up a bed in the living room for you and your dp.

I think, as the adults and decision makers, you are the ones who have to suck it up with living conditions and rooming. Your dsd didn't choose to have a new baby in the family and neither did your ds. I would say the same if dsd was your biological child too btw

Does your child go to a private school where everyone is very rich and having a house with more bedrooms than occupants is the norm? Assuming not, I think you are being naïve!

Literally all it needs is for her to

• know that some of her friends share bedrooms with siblings
• know that babies often start in their parents' rooms, but move out when they are older
• be able to count to 4 - so she can count 2 bedrooms and 4 people.

I presume she would do all these things easily, so she would easily come to the conclusion that in your current house, her role is to share a room with her sibling because that's what kids do in her situation. It's not necessarily "faking it" either. I mean there's all sorts of situations that people accept ok, because at the moment they can't change them. If, to her, sharing with her brother is the logical event to happen, then why would she not believe it's ok..? I guess she loves him? He's a baby, it's not like he's a horrible bully who she tries to avoid!

So why didn't you just leave the room pink? don't dig the whole any deeper! Spare us.

What a nest of vipers this place is!

OP as it’s temporary, just ignore it. Get SD excited about decor for her new grown up bedroom and buy her some lockable cupboards so DS can’t get into her stuff. This is short-term.

I think some of the the posts here are a bit whacky 😂 But I understand the sentiment.

I say this to you @Mammykay as a stepmother who now also has a toddler. Under no circumstances would I have let my toddler share a room with my stepson. It's just not overly appropriate. You opted to have a baby.. you and your DH need to be the ones sorting the situation. A) I probably wouldn't have ever bought a 2bed to save up for a bigger house and then purposely had a child that I couldn't accommodate... B) The problem here is your husbands sleep. Maybe he should take the couch for now as it seems he's the one disturbing. C) You're husband doesn't need to respond to his ex, but the reality is the 2 kids are probably waking eachother and you have no idea because you're sleeping soundly.

How temporary is temporary? If you aren't moving into a bigger house within the next 2 weeks I'd sort it out. You guys took your SDs big bed and freedom away at peak 'needing privacy' age

Yes it was a mistake but its a simple one to solve if you move quick.

Next time she's at your house, you and dh sit down with dsd and tell her that her mum told you how she's feeling, and that you're glad she talked to her mum. Tell you are sorry and want to make things right.

Repaint the room whatever colour she wants- as you said its cheap and only takes an afternoon. Take her out to pick some paint and some cushions to make it feel like hers again. Promise her she will get her big bed back as soon as you move.

Until you move, when dsd stays over your ds should stay in your room with you. If dh is going to disturb ds, dh needs to sleep on the sofa that night.

I've seen a lot of posts here of people saying 'maybe she's just saying what she thinks you want to hear' but maybe that is what has happened with the conversation with her mum? Something has come up with her mum about the sharing bedroom situation and that the room is now blue. Mums reaction has been negative and the step daughter has reacted to her mum in the way she thinks her mum wants to hear her react?

Lots of posts saying a 9 year old girl wouldn't want to share with her baby brother...but that isn't true. You don't know the child and I know a number of siblings who love to share/have sleepovers in each other's room despite large age differences. My own children were 11 and 3 and loved sharing. We would carry the 3 year Old's toddler bed into the 11 year Old's bedroom, where they would share for weeks on end. The 3 year old is now 5 and is over the moon to be sharing with their baby siblings (well, partially. Baby ends up in with us halfway through the night)

Best thing anyone can do in this situation is to gently approach the oldest child and say they've heard that they no longer like to share with their younger sibling and offer to move the younger one back out while you wait for the new house, if they really feel unhappy now they are sharing. And in this situation, it's only 3 nights out of 14 where the little one would need to be bunking back in with the parents

As the poster above outlined already: now your little SD is getting woken up and being encumbered. Redecorating a bedroom that has belonged to an older child for a baby that doesn’t even care what colour it is - madness (not only because you’re allegedly wanting to move but also because it’s been your SD‘s room for a long time). You and your DH sound uncaring and I am not surprised that the little girl has confided in her mum. Do the right thing and keep your son in your room until you move - you wanted him. It’s not your SD‘s fault for your lack of planning.

Then there’s no problem. You’re dealing with the situation and tell her and her mum it’s temporary and if it’s really bad when keep DS with you on the nights she is staying over. Lots of kids share pn a temp basis even if it’s a much younger sibling.

has she seen the new house and floor plans so she understands she getting her own room? If not then do that or take her to the show house so she knows it’s actually happening. TBH it’s a bit of a non issue if it’s definitely temporary