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Step-parenting

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Original poster

13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

203 replies

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

OP posts:
DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 17:10

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you at all, please don't think that. But it feels like you're not keeping yourself safe, somehow. You could just have balls of steel and this sort of shite is just water off a duck's back. In that scenario though, I'd imagine you'd tell him to f off and call it quits.

cupfinalchaos · 02/09/2025 17:15

The dd aside, why would you actively want to be with someone who called you a prick and an arsehole? Absolutely move on.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 17:35

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 17:10

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you at all, please don't think that. But it feels like you're not keeping yourself safe, somehow. You could just have balls of steel and this sort of shite is just water off a duck's back. In that scenario though, I'd imagine you'd tell him to f off and call it quits.

No I think you’re absolutely right

I’m not able to see things for what they are as emotionally I just get pulled back in - it could be as easy as a look or the way he says certain things and I’ll literally feel myself falling back in love with him
Or at least that how it feels

This isn’t the first time he’s lost his temper - usually over me saying something he doesn’t like and yet it hasn’t been enough for me to walk ( or run ) away so there must be something at play here

This time I feel very very low about it all instead of spiralling and wanting to desperately fix it like I normally do and almost feeling like it was my fault for saying anything to start with - I’ve not done that this time

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 17:57

I have just found a therapist who can start sessions in a few weeks

OP posts:
DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 18:01

That's really good to hear.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. Do you have a support network, anyone you can reach out to for a coffee, a hug? Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would your daughter or a close friend - lots of compassion and grace, and do things that might help to comfort you.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 19:19

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 18:01

That's really good to hear.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. Do you have a support network, anyone you can reach out to for a coffee, a hug? Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would your daughter or a close friend - lots of compassion and grace, and do things that might help to comfort you.

Thank you for such a kind reply

I don’t have many friends who I confide in actually - maybe because I don’t always trust my decisions to be good ones but I am going to try and change this

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 03/09/2025 11:57

S

OP posts:
dylexicdementor11 · 03/09/2025 18:10

Would it be possible for you to see him when his children are with their mother? There is no reason for you to take on a parenting role with his kids.
Your DD has boundaries in place to protect against step-families - you could as well.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 03/09/2025 18:16

dylexicdementor11 · 03/09/2025 18:10

Would it be possible for you to see him when his children are with their mother? There is no reason for you to take on a parenting role with his kids.
Your DD has boundaries in place to protect against step-families - you could as well.

Not without leaving my 15 year old alone
He lives an hour away so I don’t see him outside of weekends

It’s court ordered that he sees the kids every fortnight weekends and various days after school but the ex wife usually asks him to have them every weekend and he agrees

OP posts:
catlover123456789 · 03/09/2025 18:39

The stepdaughter is being annoying but she'll grow out of it.
Your boyfriend being lazy and aggressive is a huge red flag in so many ways and that's the real issue here.

JustSawJohnny · 03/09/2025 18:40

I mean, it does sound like he hasn't signed her up for enough extra curricular activities, BUT does he have a bit of a point?

Is she only going on constantly while you're there because she knows you'll give in and take her out?

At the end of the day she's his problem. If you don't like being around her, don't be.

As an aside, any man who screamed in my face and called me a prick would be an ex, real quick.

Are you sure you need to put up with either of them?

WalmartWitney · 03/09/2025 18:48

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole

And your question is about your step daughter? Am I missing something here???

LouiseK93 · 03/09/2025 19:04

Run for the bloody hills and dont look back.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 03/09/2025 19:06

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

Why do you feel the need to intervene and keep organising activities? At 13, she can entertain herself and spend time with her own friends. Honestly I would take a step back, let her mope and lie about on the sofa and leave it to her to suggest some activities. It is admirable that you are making an effort but she may also resent it and see you as trying to step in as her mum. Just be kind and warm, let her know you’re available if needed and take a step back. Also, feel sorry for her that her dad isn’t more involved. That’s probably upsetting her too.

AutumnFroglets · 03/09/2025 19:19

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole

This isn't about the child but is everything to do with an abusive man. Where the hell is your self worth OP? Why do you think it's okay to be screamed at?

Get a therapist AND do The Freedom Programme to learn about abuse, boundaries, and self worth. Dump him and do not date again until you can see clearly again.

pomers · 03/09/2025 20:31

If any man called me a prick and an arsehole that would be the end then and there. Dump him immediately

Horses7 · 03/09/2025 21:07

BunnyMcDougall · 02/09/2025 13:46

Dump

First post nails it as usual.

Mixedwrestler · 03/09/2025 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thortour · 03/09/2025 21:10

You must see that he needs to prioritise this child? He’s an awful parent and for that alone I’d dump him.

theonlygirl · 03/09/2025 23:02

I don't think your step daughter is causing chaos, but her parents are by introducing new relationships into her life, at what is already a challenging age.

Looking at things purely from your perspective im not sure why you want this hassle in your life? Being called names?

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 03/09/2025 23:31

theonlygirl · 03/09/2025 23:02

I don't think your step daughter is causing chaos, but her parents are by introducing new relationships into her life, at what is already a challenging age.

Looking at things purely from your perspective im not sure why you want this hassle in your life? Being called names?

The feeling of feeling like the connection is stronger than I’ve ever had before has made me let so much go that I probably shouldn’t have

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 04/09/2025 00:35

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:34

It’s not about her being on the sofa

Its her lying across it in a way that she’s basically on top of me with her legs in a strop - a strip that can go on for hours unless I come up with something she wants

Sorry but she needs a consequence. If she’s been taken out and then is moody just get up and go home!

T1Dmama · 04/09/2025 01:13

So you see him one day a week and his 2 daughters are always there during this time? I don’t understand how you get anytime to build an emotional or sexual
connection which you claim is amazing?

Your boyfriend is having his cake and eating it… you sound like you’re providing him a service … he gets his daughter entertained and then gets sex?….

Don’t give him chance to draw you back in.. just tell him over the phone that the relationship isn’t healthy and then hang up and just delete his number off your phone and block!

You definitely need counselling and to not accept being spoken to like this

DoodlesMam · 04/09/2025 02:25

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

Maybe reconsider this relationship? Sounds like your needs are not being met at all.

Cariadm · 04/09/2025 03:48

childofthe607080s · 02/09/2025 13:49

She sounds a scared and insecure child

She also sounds like a child who wants her Dad to take notice of her and because he doesn't sound that proactive she's automatically madly jealous of any attention he gives to his partner and this results in doing anything she can to upset the relationship and by the sound of it is being very successful?! 😏
Personally I think the OP should see the writing on the wall and if this is how DP behaves when they are not even living together I don't even want to imagine how it might develop if they took the next step with the Dad still not giving his daughter the attention she is so desperate for...he is turning her into an unreasonable unpleasant brat and OP is aiding and abetting by sticking around!! 🙄