Page 8 | 13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

Robin67 · 04/09/2025 08:24

Leave him

BunnyLake · 04/09/2025 08:37

Don’t stay with a man who calls you a prick and an arsehole.

HonorLulu · 04/09/2025 08:45

GoldDuster · 02/09/2025 13:55

Jesus, get rid of him, get out. He's useless, I feel for the DD. The problem is not the teenager, it's the shitty dad who is not giving her what she needs emotionally, so she's left trying to elicit it from his girlfriends.

She's not worse when you're around, he can just ignore her more. He sounds fucking terrible OP.

This, in bloody spades.

Bellyblueboy · 04/09/2025 08:50

Do you honestly think a 13 year old child is your problem here? I despair!

AmoozzBoosh · 04/09/2025 08:58

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole

Dump him

Steeleydan · 04/09/2025 09:04

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

Why on earth would you want to be involved in all that agro? Surely there are less high maintenance men/kids out there. You're worth so.much more x

TheBerMonths · 04/09/2025 09:18

Hate to say it but I do think he may have a point about you playing into things with the 13 year old. It sounds like you try really hard to appease her and come up with suggestions/activities for her and she knows you will do this, so she whinges and moans more when you're there.
However a man screaming at you is not ok.

TalkToTheHand123 · 04/09/2025 09:20

Does she not have a mobile phone?

notacooldad · 04/09/2025 09:22

I would dump.any bloke that screamed at me!!

LaughingCat · 04/09/2025 09:23

Makeitstop0 · 03/09/2025 23:31

The feeling of feeling like the connection is stronger than I’ve ever had before has made me let so much go that I probably shouldn’t have

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s you with the personality disorder in this situation.

Everything you’ve said about your DP resonates. He can make you feel like the most special person in the world but you say or do something he doesn’t like and all of a sudden, he either withdraws or goes nuts at you? But then he flips back to being loving and making you feel special again and each time you slide a little further in love with him. Each time he behaves poorly, it’s your fault, you did the thing that triggered him. And your ADHD means you’ve had a lifetime of feeling like you’ve let people down, done the wrong thing, not been ‘normal’. So it’s hard to question it when he does go off the rails at you - because, well, of course it’s your fault.

Take a step back and see this for what it is - he is a hands off, lazy dad. With some serious red flags that suggest the beginning of abusive and controlling behaviour. And you’re accepting it because you’ve been conditioned to by your own life.

Do. Not. Accept. It.

You are worth more and you will find better. Someone who (sure, you’ll drive nuts with your condition) but who loves and accepts you for you. And doesn't dump their poor kid on you to raise or keep you in a space of feeling like you deserve their abuse.

holrosea · 04/09/2025 09:29

Hi OP,

PP have rightly pointed out that you have a DP problem - my alarm bells started ringing when you said that he is "not proactive" in organising stuff for his kids. Been there, done that, and I refuse to become the Disney Dad to someone else's child.

Anyway, as a cynic with a hopeless romantic soul, I wanted to share the tips that help me move on:

SEPARATE - when I have made the decision to split I need to tell the person then stop all communication. If it is safe, and if the person is receptive to hearing the whys/has their own whys, I can have that discussion. However, from that point on I need to separate from the person - no BS texts about "what shall I do with your sweater?" or "you can have a cup of tea when you drop off my keys" or "the dog misses you". I need to end the relationship, hand back all their crap, then stop talking to them.
BE REALISTIC - when I feel nostalgic or sad, I try to examine why, rather than idealising the person. Am I really sad because I dearly love this person and can't see a future without them? Or do I feel sad because I am alone at 10 pm on a Tuesday and I miss what I thought I had? Will I still feel this way in 30 minutes and can I ride it out?
DISTRACTION - when feeling nostalgic and sad, how can I ride out the 30 minutes? This can be filled with literally anything - tidy up, have a quick shower, pot that dying plant, ring a friend, Google that holiday destination or the cinema times, write it down then bin it, walk to the shop for a chocolate bar, WHATEVER. Just get through the initial mope.
INTENTION - write down what you want. It can be big, small, it can be about anything, life/love/family/work/partner/house/body/soul. Take this lull, this break from what you thought was happening, to be really honest with yourself about what you want. You don't have to share it, you don't even have to do half of it, but instead of looking back to what you thought you had, look forward to "what do I want?". You'll start to build a road map for the things that matter to you which will give you a far better focus than moping about some dude and repeating an unhelpful cycle.

Good luck! xx

MeridianB · 04/09/2025 09:30

I don't understand why your post is about the daughter when....

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

You need to value yourself more and leave this unpleasant, verbally abusive man.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 04/09/2025 10:13

There is nothing remotely attractive about a man with children who is too lazy to parent them. Seriously, raise your bar and walk away. Not your circus, not your monkeys. And in future, men who shout abuse at you - walk away the first time and make it the last time.

JFDIYOLO · 04/09/2025 10:20

That poor child.

Her mother wheels a new man in very quickly.

Her father allows his girlfriend to drive drunk and crash (he will have known she was a drunk).

She has to witness her father verbally abusing a woman.

At 13, she's at peak adolescent hormone turmoil.

She probably feels like she doesn't belong anywhere, doesn't know how to cope - because none of her adults have learned how to help her.

Your own daughter has her own issues.

And you've chosen to be with a man who has clearly contributed to this mess.

You have as they say a DH problem, not a DSD problem.

You also have a you problem - NOT a personality disorder, but a lack of self development, as in learning about how teens work. They're not the same as kids, and you have another one waiting in the wings. You've been left behind.

Whether you stay together or not, you both need to learn how teenagers work, and how to parent them.

And please learn to recognise shit male behaviour when you see it.

wfhwfh · 04/09/2025 10:32

The first time a man I was in a relationship with screamed at me and called me a prick would be the last time.

The step-daughters behaviour sounds normal teen behaviour and it sounds like she’s been through a lot. Annoying but not alarming. Your partner’s behaviour is the issue.

Id walk away from him. You deserve more.

Snakebite61 · 04/09/2025 10:47