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Step-parenting

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Original poster

13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

203 replies

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 02/09/2025 15:02

All very complicated

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2025 15:03

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:58

I agree with you all saying he is the problem here

I haven’t had an emotional or sexual connection really in any relationship up until this one which is why I’m finding it hard to let go despite knowing he is not right for me

Ok, at least you’ve moved on and worked out the actual problem then.

so you like the sex, but know he’s not a long term option due to the anger and laziness. You don’t like spending time with the dd.

so just step back, don’t go round when dd is there, maybe step back to fwb.

CrimsonStoat · 02/09/2025 15:04

dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

You need to dump him. He's making his problem into a you problem, for a start. Then going crazy? Nah, time to leave him to it.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2025 15:04

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole

I honestly don't know why you (or anyone) would stay with a person who spoke to you in this manner. By not immediately telling him to go to hell you are setting up a future in which this sort of thing becomes completely acceptable.

MzHz · 02/09/2025 15:09

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:36

I agree that she’s been through a lot

Last girlfriend was apparently an alcoholic but in which case why was a 12 year old left in her company only a few months into meeting her just because “ she went on and on “

I think dad is very lazy as a parent
Mum sounds similar and step dad

I absolutely would never ever have a child with this man to the poster who suggested that

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

plus your thoughts on him as a parent and the statement that you’d never want kids with him

this isn’t a relationship with legs. End it now. It won’t get any better.

you KNOW this.

if it as ever going to get any better, it would have done so the FIRST time she stropped.

he IS a shit parent, he knew his ex was a drinker and still dumped his dd on her. It’s a miracle she wasn’t killed.

fast forward and what happens if he makes an equally bad decision when with YOUR dc

you know what to do love, he’s got to go.

MzHz · 02/09/2025 15:10

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:58

I agree with you all saying he is the problem here

I haven’t had an emotional or sexual connection really in any relationship up until this one which is why I’m finding it hard to let go despite knowing he is not right for me

A spark? In my experience a spark is actually a warning rather than a green light to go.

HellonHeels · 02/09/2025 15:10

Why can't you see that this awful man is an uber-arsehole?

Dumping him is the only reasonable course of action.

MzHz · 02/09/2025 15:11

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2025 15:04

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole

I honestly don't know why you (or anyone) would stay with a person who spoke to you in this manner. By not immediately telling him to go to hell you are setting up a future in which this sort of thing becomes completely acceptable.

I agree. This is absolutely game over territory

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:11

I guess as I don’t want more children and he isn’t around my daughter at all I’ve been able to ignore a lot of the flags but you’re right - it doesn’t work and I need to get the courage to end it

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:12

Maybe the spark should have been a warning as you say but it felt like something I’d never had so I went with it and clearly should not have

OP posts:
MzHz · 02/09/2025 15:13

@Makeitstop0 yeah love, you do need to get rid.

im sorry, its crap! ((((Hug))))

But when I was dating I realised that everyone I met taught me something about myself, my boundaries and relationships

you’ve learned what you needed from this lesson. Time to move on to the next lesson.

if you hold onto this one, you’ll be risking missing out on the one that’s right for you.

it’s definitely not this guy. Not on any way at all.

Popstarrrrr · 02/09/2025 15:14

He left his daughter at his girlfriend's house and went home????

Walk away.

bumblebramble · 02/09/2025 15:14

Is it relatively normal in your experience for a man to scream at you and call you names? It feels from your op that this barely registered for you.

Loubylie · 02/09/2025 15:15

He's a lazy dad, so you definitely should not be there at weekends. That's a mug's game. You could end it, or you could just see him on week nights if you get something from the relationship.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:16

Loubylie · 02/09/2025 15:15

He's a lazy dad, so you definitely should not be there at weekends. That's a mug's game. You could end it, or you could just see him on week nights if you get something from the relationship.

I can’t do that without leaving my daughter alone all the time as she doesn’t want him
here

OP posts:
MzHz · 02/09/2025 15:16

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:12

Maybe the spark should have been a warning as you say but it felt like something I’d never had so I went with it and clearly should not have

I don’t need to tell you how I worked this one out for myself 😆

if you’ve had bad relationships in the past, if a new relationship feels ‘right’ or quick, or too good to be true, if you feel at home from the start, it’s probably because there is an echo of your previous relationships.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:17

bumblebramble · 02/09/2025 15:14

Is it relatively normal in your experience for a man to scream at you and call you names? It feels from your op that this barely registered for you.

I have ADHD and wonder if emotionally I’m so attached to the person at the time that I lose sight of what is acceptable and not actually as this wasn’t a massive deal to me no even though I wouldn’t dream of doing it myself so it should be a big deal

OP posts:
fishtank12345 · 02/09/2025 15:21

BunnyMcDougall · 02/09/2025 13:46

Dump

This

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 15:22

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:52

I do live with my daughter!
She is with her dad Friday after school to Sunday afternoon so this is the only time I see partner

So you hardly ever spend time together if she’s away every weekend? I would work on improving my relationship with her and doing fun things together on some weekends.

Sassylovesbooks · 02/09/2025 15:24

Your step-daughter wants a attention and if it's not a constant stream of activities that cost money, then she's not interested. It may be she views the money being spent, as a sign that she's loved and wanted. It actually does kids good to be 'bored' and to try and entertain themselves, rather than expecting an adult to do this. However, in this situation I think she's attention seeking, because she feels insecure and wants her Dad's attention. When you're visiting at the same time as your step-daughter, you're taking attention away from her. She plays up because she wants her Dad's undivided attention. Will this get any better? No, not unless the underlying cause of your step-daughter's behaviour is addressed. Your partner should be the one organising activities, and he should be having 1:1 time with his daughter without you. Not expecting you to organise and parent his daughter. I wouldn't want to be with a man who is shouty, calls me names and can't control his temper. I'd be getting myself out of the relationship. At the very least, you need to step back. Your step-daughter visits her Dad every weekend, so you don't go every weekend. Have some time to yourself, and leave him to organise/parent/spend time with his daughter on their own. You may find, if she knows she's going to get time with her Dad, she will stop viewing you as competition.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:24

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 15:22

So you hardly ever spend time together if she’s away every weekend? I would work on improving my relationship with her and doing fun things together on some weekends.

Show quote history

This is what ex husband pushed for as he works away in the week

We do something together every Sunday but after school I’m always around as I don’t leave her at home to visit my partner in case she wants to do something - rare but I want her to have the option!

OP posts:
Kbroughton · 02/09/2025 15:24

As almost always is the case, you have a DH problem. Your thread should be about that not your SD.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:27

Sassylovesbooks · 02/09/2025 15:24

Your step-daughter wants a attention and if it's not a constant stream of activities that cost money, then she's not interested. It may be she views the money being spent, as a sign that she's loved and wanted. It actually does kids good to be 'bored' and to try and entertain themselves, rather than expecting an adult to do this. However, in this situation I think she's attention seeking, because she feels insecure and wants her Dad's attention. When you're visiting at the same time as your step-daughter, you're taking attention away from her. She plays up because she wants her Dad's undivided attention. Will this get any better? No, not unless the underlying cause of your step-daughter's behaviour is addressed. Your partner should be the one organising activities, and he should be having 1:1 time with his daughter without you. Not expecting you to organise and parent his daughter. I wouldn't want to be with a man who is shouty, calls me names and can't control his temper. I'd be getting myself out of the relationship. At the very least, you need to step back. Your step-daughter visits her Dad every weekend, so you don't go every weekend. Have some time to yourself, and leave him to organise/parent/spend time with his daughter on their own. You may find, if she knows she's going to get time with her Dad, she will stop viewing you as competition.

I honestly don’t think it’s really competition more that she gets a reaction from me that she doesn’t get with him

I’m often too tired after work to go and I have my own DD Sundays so generally it’s a Saturday only so she gets a lot of time with her dad when I’m not there - he says she’s very much the same but he can ignore her and not react to it at all which is just a cop out of having to actually do anything I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:27

Kbroughton · 02/09/2025 15:24

As almost always is the case, you have a DH problem. Your thread should be about that not your SD.

I can see this much more clearly now

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 02/09/2025 15:28

If my "D"P called me a prick even once, I'd end the relationship. I'm not sure why you're still giving any of this headspace to be honest OP. Just break up.