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Step-parenting

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Original poster

13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

203 replies

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

OP posts:
Katiesaidthat · 02/09/2025 14:37

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

Oh dear, my advice? Drop the drama and recall your life and peace of mind. Get rid of the lot of them.

Firststop · 02/09/2025 14:38

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:36

I agree that she’s been through a lot

Last girlfriend was apparently an alcoholic but in which case why was a 12 year old left in her company only a few months into meeting her just because “ she went on and on “

I think dad is very lazy as a parent
Mum sounds similar and step dad

I absolutely would never ever have a child with this man to the poster who suggested that

Why would you stay with him then? I assume you've made it OK with yourself becuase you don't want more DC, but if he's not OK as a father, why is he Ok for you?

DaisyChain505 · 02/09/2025 14:40

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:31

It is in my space when I’m sitting on a sofa and she’s lying across it with her legs on me in a massive strop

Well then set your own boundaries.

“X if you’re going to be grumpy please can you sit up and get your legs off of me.”

yeesh · 02/09/2025 14:41

Why would you want to be with a man who shouts in your face? He’s a bad father and that won’t change, however much you do.

WearyAuldWumman · 02/09/2025 14:42

I couldn't tolerate this, OP. I'd be breaking up.

MsPavlichenko · 02/09/2025 14:44

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:32

I’m not saying it’s her fault at all

I can totally see why she’s behaving the way she is - I’m just not sure what more I can actually do about this

Dad is 100% responsible for her as her parent when she is with him and he isn’t doing that job at all

You can’t do anything about her, or indeed any of it. The only thing you need to do is walk away. To protect yourself, and your DD going forward.

He’s a lazy, useless father, and to to that abusive to you, screaming in your face. It won’t get better. You must surely recognise this?

Get out now.

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 14:44

Why are you with this man? I would run away quickly and focus on improving your relationship with your own daughter!

SybTheGeek · 02/09/2025 14:44

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2025 14:26

My husband has never even so much as raised his voice at me in nearly 20 years,
If a man screamed in my face and called me a prick I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again..... why is this something you are willing to tolerate op?

He is not really parenting either is he, there's nothing about him you've mentioned that would be worth this, nothing.

This 100%. No matter if you did hit a sore point, this behaviour from him is unacceptable. That he is capable of behaving like that, towards anyone, even once, tells you that you should run and don't look back. But I doubt it is only once.

Jools67 · 02/09/2025 14:44

He called you a prick?
Time to move on

Anyahyacinth · 02/09/2025 14:45

The daughter sounds a typical teenager, countless jokes teasing that stage of harumphing about everything. She sounds well adjusted considering her life and the experiences you describe.

His angry outburst...is another thing entirely. You do understand the children are in their own home? Free to be themselves there?

Tiswa · 02/09/2025 14:45

She has a Dad issue, you have a partner issue because he sounds awful

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 14:46

You’re not living with your own 15 year old daughter but choosing to spend your time with this man and HIS daughter - why?

BauhausOfEliott · 02/09/2025 14:46

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:36

I agree that she’s been through a lot

Last girlfriend was apparently an alcoholic but in which case why was a 12 year old left in her company only a few months into meeting her just because “ she went on and on “

I think dad is very lazy as a parent
Mum sounds similar and step dad

I absolutely would never ever have a child with this man to the poster who suggested that

You need to end your relationship with this man. I feel very sorry for his daughter because, as you've acknowledged, she's had a bad time and he's a rubbish parent, but that doesn't mean you should have to be the one to deal with this situation and give his daughter both the attention and the boundaries that she clearly needs. He sounds like a complete arsehole and this isn't going to work well for you.

ruethewhirl · 02/09/2025 14:47

This is only going to get worse OP. I think you should end things.

JLou08 · 02/09/2025 14:47

I think he is right in ignoring his DD and that you playing to her trying to set up fun activities will make it worse. He was wrong to shout but I think I'd be really frustrated too if someone was judging my parenting and going against how I want to parent. If you can't accept how he wants to deal with his own DC and get on board with his strategy you should just end the relationship.

Dweetfidilove · 02/09/2025 14:49

So the useless father shouts at you, calls you names and throws things confided back at you; but your post is about the 13 year old causing chaos?

Smdh 🙄. Just dump him!

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:51

But ignoring and withdrawing means that entire days / evenings are ruined as she can carry on like that for hours

It’s not effective as the behaviour hasn’t changed in an entire year

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:52

I do live with my daughter!
She is with her dad Friday after school to Sunday afternoon so this is the only time I see partner

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 02/09/2025 14:52

Dump. He’s a lazy man and a crap parent. You say his temper is an issue. Can you not see the red flags in that?
Imagine, it’s 20 years time and your DD says she’s dating a guy she loves but his temper is an issue? What would you think?

InSpainTheRain · 02/09/2025 14:53

Given her behaviour has been going on for quite a while like this, and the fact that her Dad is in no way helping, then I think you can safely say it won't be resolved any time soon, and it may get worse. Honestly, to create a blended family is very hard and you both need to be on the same page and be at one on how you handle these types of issues - if you are not I don't think it'll ever work. I'm sorry but I'd say dump him (plus why would you be with someone that shouts at you and calls you a prick).

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2025 14:55

He isthe problem here op, not his DD, ypu need to get rid of him.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:58

I agree with you all saying he is the problem here

I haven’t had an emotional or sexual connection really in any relationship up until this one which is why I’m finding it hard to let go despite knowing he is not right for me

OP posts:
RimTimTagiDim · 02/09/2025 14:58

Leave and raise your standards. I'm sure you can do better than this arsehole.

FamBae · 02/09/2025 14:58

Dozycuntlaters · 02/09/2025 14:08

So he's screaming in your face saying you're a prick. Mate, the least of your issues is his kid. Just be done with him, he sounds awful. You don't even live with him so why are you still with this poor excuse for a man?

Totally agree .

BrainlessBoiledFrog · 02/09/2025 15:00

Nope not normal - it’s a big red flag! I say this from lived experience and about 50% of people I know having lived experience.

It sounds like the dad, mum and step dad do not provide any sort of positive attention, boundaries etc and the daughter must feel totally unsettled. Being effectively dumped on the previous alcoholic girlfriend at 10/11 years of age (a child cannot choose) of course caused her harm. She uses people for money as that is literally the only consistent sign of affection she likely gets.

Op if it was just that the teen was disruptive due to her unstable mum I’d say well considering he only has her weekends why don’t you see him in the week and then adjust schedules slightly to get say 1 weekend in 4 or something. Then let dad focus on bonding with daughter on his weekends.

But your bf is a big cause of this situation. He is lazy, neglectful (nobody leaves a child with an alcoholic gf overnight) and abusive when called out on behaviour - how did you not end things when he called you a prick?

Exactly what do you get out of this relationship? How can you find such a useless excuse for a man attractive?

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