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Step-parenting

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Original poster

13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

203 replies

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

OP posts:
PorcelainBlueCorydalis · 02/09/2025 15:32

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:58

I agree with you all saying he is the problem here

I haven’t had an emotional or sexual connection really in any relationship up until this one which is why I’m finding it hard to let go despite knowing he is not right for me

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

This was the line that made me think - you're working hard with him and his daughter, and this is how he treats you?

You deserve better

Sunflower10S · 02/09/2025 15:33

From experience
If your partner is not willing to put the effort in to be the parent she needs it will only get worse.

katepilar · 02/09/2025 15:34

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:17

I have ADHD and wonder if emotionally I’m so attached to the person at the time that I lose sight of what is acceptable and not actually as this wasn’t a massive deal to me no even though I wouldn’t dream of doing it myself so it should be a big deal

Show quote history

Its much easier to see whats happening from the outside than when it happens.

ThatCyanCat · 02/09/2025 15:35

I'd rather have a relationship with ChatGPT than this idiot you've got.

Enough4me · 02/09/2025 15:37

OP you're posting to give yourself a voice as much as to listen to advice.
At least you've recognised he's the problem!
What do you want to do now?

FastMauveQuoter · 02/09/2025 15:38

Any partner who screamed at me and called me those names would no longer be my partner.

CabbageWater · 02/09/2025 15:43

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

You already know the issue isn't the daughter, but him. You put your finger on it and he reacted extremely badly because he knows it's true. Instead or a parent/step parent conversation about how to work on your relationship with his kid(s), he screams at you, insult you and your daughter. Mate, you know what to do 👋

Jenkibuble · 02/09/2025 15:50

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

EVERY weekend?
What quality time do you get on your own / weekends away etc?

This would be the red flag for me and I broke off with a guy for this reason (I have my own kids who I 50/50 co- parent)

honeylulu · 02/09/2025 15:56

Yikes.

My guess is that the girl is desperate for her father to be an engaged and active parent. He isn't, he's fucking useless at it, so her desperation has become targeted at you because you have actually made some efforts towards family activities. But she's still angry and dissatisfied because her dad is still useless and your influence hasn't rubbed off on him - if anything is been an excuse to make him even lazier.

This relationship is bad news all round. Nothing you do will be good enough because he'll still be a crap father. And now he's "screaming" at you and calling you names for calling him out and/or not making his life even easier. And the efforts you are making are just highlighting to his daughter what a lazy uncaring parent he is.

What a mess. But it's not your mess so get out of it!

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2025 15:56

Dump him, not for his daughters behaviour but for his

MissDoubleU · 02/09/2025 16:02

So the dad here is a lazy parent who can’t discipline nor amuse his own children. He largely ignores them. He is also the sort of man who thinks it perfectly acceptable to scream abuse in his darling love’s face. Not to even get into the fact he abandoned his daughter in the home of a brief fling, putting her very life in danger.

Why in all fuck are you with him? Your daughter is the only one with sense here. You should be glad she hasn’t met him yet if this is the way he thinks to treat any women in his life.

tsmainsqueeze · 02/09/2025 16:05

She's a brat but sadly very likely troubled by her parents break up so she will hopefully improve her behaviour as she gets older .
But !!! your boyfriend sounds like a complete shit , screaming in your face and calling you a prick ,that alone is enough to ditch him.
I don't think any reply will tell you to stay with him.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2025 16:12

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:32

I’m not saying it’s her fault at all

I can totally see why she’s behaving the way she is - I’m just not sure what more I can actually do about this

Dad is 100% responsible for her as her parent when she is with him and he isn’t doing that job at all

So why are you with him?

Loubylie · 02/09/2025 16:12

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 15:16

I can’t do that without leaving my daughter alone all the time as she doesn’t want him
here

Show quote history

I think the relationship is at an end then. He shouted at you and called you a prick, so it's just as well.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2025 16:14

Maybe you also need to negotiate a Saturday every now and again with your DD.

It's not fair right now

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2025 16:16

CheeseDanish · 02/09/2025 13:52

What about this ineffectual parent and, shouty, bad-tempered, name-calling man is attractive to you?

Edited

This. Screaming in your face? Because you dared to have a discussion with him on solving some difficult teen behaviour?

Plus

"She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

He's got a cheek blaming you for how his DD behaves. Especially as she was exactly the same with his last relationship. I wonder what the common factor could possibly be?

Not only that he left her with a drunk driver and she ended up in a car accident..
A normal father would be absolutely distraught about that and attempting to improve his parenting and supervision... yet he's too busy chalking up your failings.

Instead He's not proactive about organising any outings/ or things to do for her.... but why would he bother.. when he's got you to do that for him.

DUMP

FinallyHere · 02/09/2025 16:27

*I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Any help apppreciated!*

Honestly the best advice I can give you is to run. Run fast in the opposite direction.

You cannot make up for his different parenting style and trying will break your heart and do nothing for your relations so …

run. Really. Just run

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 16:29

Gosh, imagine if this chap was your daughter's boyfriend, screaming in her face that she was a prick. When I imagine that for my own kids, I recoil so hard I nearly knee myself in the face. It's a horrible image.
I think you said you have ADHD Op and this makes it difficult for things like this to register, but that's not necessarily an ADHD symptom (it could be, but it could be trauma-related). Have you had any counselling?

It sounds like you're thinking about calling time on it. That seems the best thing to do. Look after yourself.

Isometimeswonder · 02/09/2025 16:31

He is not worth it, not after calling you those names

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 16:39

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2025 16:14

Maybe you also need to negotiate a Saturday every now and again with your DD.

It's not fair right now

Yes! Why are sacrificing time with your own 15 year old daughter to be with this horrible man and his teenage daughter???

LBFseBrom · 02/09/2025 16:41

I'd have thought a thirteen year old would be wanting to do things on her own or with friends at weekends and definitely would not want parents to take her swimming. That's a kiddy thing. She sounds more like a nine or ten year old than a teenager.

It's obvious daughter wants to monopolise her dad. I would say that is not unusual.

It's very off and a pain for you but it isn't personal, she'd be like that with any woman her dad was interested in.

In your place I'd rather just see him when his daughter isn't around, a couple of evenings a week and the occasional weekend if she is not going to be at his (you said she is there most weekends).

As she gets older she will be more independent but there's nothing you can do to change how she is right now.

If you're not planning on setting up home with this man but like him as a 'boyfriend', that should be OK. If you're looking for something more, he is not the one, certainly not at this time.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 16:42

Bluelilacbella · 02/09/2025 16:39

Yes! Why are sacrificing time with your own 15 year old daughter to be with this horrible man and his teenage daughter???

Show quote history

This upsets me as it hasn’t been like this
I’ve been separated from ExH for 4 years and we’ve always had this arrangement
Nothing to do with the new man

I work term time only so I have all holidays etc with DD - he works away in the week so has her Friday at 4pm- Sunday 12pm

There are times this isn’t the case of course like in the summer holidays we had some breaks away which ran over to the weekend etc but in general I thought fair for her dad to have that regular time with her

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/09/2025 16:44

thats what you are upset by rather than your DP’s behaviour. OK then.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 16:46

FinallyHere · 02/09/2025 16:44

thats what you are upset by rather than your DP’s behaviour. OK then.

I’m aware this sounds odd which is why I posted for a clearer view

OP posts:
Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 16:51

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 02/09/2025 16:29

Gosh, imagine if this chap was your daughter's boyfriend, screaming in her face that she was a prick. When I imagine that for my own kids, I recoil so hard I nearly knee myself in the face. It's a horrible image.
I think you said you have ADHD Op and this makes it difficult for things like this to register, but that's not necessarily an ADHD symptom (it could be, but it could be trauma-related). Have you had any counselling?

It sounds like you're thinking about calling time on it. That seems the best thing to do. Look after yourself.

Maybe i have a personality disorder - I’ve often worried about this

Thank you

OP posts:
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