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Step-parenting

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Original poster

13 year old step daughter causing chaos…this isn’t going to get better is it?

203 replies

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 13:43

Mum and Dad have been apart 6 years and mum moved on very quickly with a new man who moved into the family home

I met dad after 4 years of being single although he had one short relationship in that time where he said his daughter behaved in the exact same way as well as using her for money constantly as the woman was very wealthy

I met his children after we had dated for a year which was challenging in itself as he has the kids ( DD 13 and DS 10 ) every weekend but for the last 10 months I have been seeing them if I go to the house on the weekend and I often organise days out for them as dad isn’t massively proactive in that sense

Whenever I’m at the house, as soon as I walk in his daughter starts moaning that she’s bored - stropping and slamming doors if she’s not entertained and every suggestion ( unless it’s something big like going trampolining / cinema / dinner ) is met with a no
She will lie wherever me and her dad are and just sulk for hours with the occasional noise or “ It’s not fair “ being said

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

This morning has been the same - we’ve taken her swimming first thing and the minute we are back the moaning starts up again

I suggested we go for a walk and leave her to have the TV to herself even though this was met with moans and on the walk dad said “ She’s much worse when you’re around as you play into it “

I replied “ That’s because you don’t correct it and ignore hoping it will go away which it doesn’t “

He went crazy, screaming that I’m a prick and that I’m a judgmental arsehole and my kid isn’t perfect

For context, I have a 15 year old daughter who isn’t perfect and I’ve confided in him over the last year about things but he’s never met her ( her dad has played a big part in her feeling she doesn’t want to but I’ve respected she doesn’t so that’s that ) but her issues are not the same at all - she isn’t attention seeking in the slightest and these issues have been largely because she and I have very different personalities which she finds annoying

His last relationship broke up because the daughter constantly asked to stay at this woman’s house even though barely knew her and he agreed for an easy life and took his son home with him leaving daughter there -
woman then drove drunk to the shop and crashed the car with daughter in it

Is this all step families or just this one?

He can be lovely but the temper is an issue and he can’t see how uncomfortable her behaviour makes me and I think would make most people surely - how can you continue a conversation when you have a 13 year old basicially lying across you on a sofa in a strop?

Any help apppreciated!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2025 14:10

Your boyfriend sounds like a complete arsehole.

im not even really sure why you even mentioned his daughter.

unless you’re a complete internalised misogynist who always looks to blame females so you can let a bloke off scotfree?

dump. Obviously.

IffyShoulders · 02/09/2025 14:13

He’s the problem, as so many have already said.

You don’t live with him and he’s not met your daughter so easily ended.
Go home, taking all your stuff with you, then send a cheery “not working out/all the best/don’t contact me again” text. Block him. Change locks if necessary.

BlushingBrightly · 02/09/2025 14:14

'He can be lovely' what, on alternate Tuesdays? Not worth it. Don't see why you even want to pursue this. Spend time with your own daughter instead and leave him to sort his out.

SlipperyLizard · 02/09/2025 14:15

Leave him, he’s a lazy parent (why are you trying to entertain his daughter when he doesn’t care?) and abusive to you. Can’t see why you haven’t left already!

Silverbirchleaf · 02/09/2025 14:20

You obviously touched a sore point with your criticism. Part of me thinks it’s not your place to comment on his daughter’s behaviour, but also I agree that he needs to be made aware of that his parenting style is ‘t working, and boundaries need to be put in concerning his dd and your relationship. I also think, that in many ways, she’s acting like a typical, sulky teenager, and you’ve come along as all the hormones are kicking in.

frecklejuice · 02/09/2025 14:23

childofthe607080s · 02/09/2025 13:49

She sounds a scared and insecure child

Maybe but she isn’t the op’s child so that’s up to her dad to sort out.

Op it won’t get any better so walk away now.

Kreepture · 02/09/2025 14:23

Throw him back.

JFC, why are you even asking when he screamed in your face and called you names. Get fucking shot of him, he's a cunt.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2025 14:25

I’m putting £10 on the op still being with this bloke in 3 years time, with a new baby in tow, is utterly miserable doing all the work for the baby, and starts a post ‘I had no idea he would be like this.’

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2025 14:26

My husband has never even so much as raised his voice at me in nearly 20 years,
If a man screamed in my face and called me a prick I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again..... why is this something you are willing to tolerate op?

He is not really parenting either is he, there's nothing about him you've mentioned that would be worth this, nothing.

Onesie123 · 02/09/2025 14:27

This is not the dd's fault at all, parents splitting often has a huge impact on children and she is probably desperately torn between wanting to be around the important person in her dad's life (you) and desperately wanting to keep her dad for herself. He sounds completely ineffectual, either in doing anything with her or parenting her with fair boundaries.

An attention seeking child is a child that desperately needs to be shown attention. She just desperately wants to feel like she's someone's priority.

It's very disturbing though that you could think this is all her fault though, and not all his.

TonTonMacoute · 02/09/2025 14:28

BunnyMcDougall · 02/09/2025 13:46

Dump

It really is this simple. Do you really need this shit in your life?

He can't be arsed to look after his own kid, she acts up because she's desperate for his attention, and he gives you a hard time because you aren't dealing with it.

DaisyChain505 · 02/09/2025 14:29

I find it so uncomfortable to have a teenager so close in our space when she’s behaving like that so I try to think of things we can do whilst dad is just completely ignoring it

she is not in your space she is in her own home and space and you are coming into it.

Alwaysinamood · 02/09/2025 14:29

SlipperyLizard · 02/09/2025 14:15

Leave him, he’s a lazy parent (why are you trying to entertain his daughter when he doesn’t care?) and abusive to you. Can’t see why you haven’t left already!

Agree with this!!!

ReadingTime · 02/09/2025 14:30

Dump because he's a lazy prick who screams at you and calls you names when you tell him the unvarnished truth. That's a horrible way to live, and won't get better.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:31

It is in my space when I’m sitting on a sofa and she’s lying across it with her legs on me in a massive strop

OP posts:
Firststop · 02/09/2025 14:31

I think you're both right.

The daughter is performing for you. She knows you don't like hearing she's bored and will arrange something exciting.

I don't think it's reasonable to object to his DD being on the sofa in her dad's home and if course you dint have a lot of space or private couples time when DC are about.

But, he's not helping, his reaction was awful and you don't sound at all compatible.

dotdotdotdash · 02/09/2025 14:31

He called you a ‘prick’ and a ‘judgmental asshole’; and his child is not getting the attention and parenting she needs. He is the problem here and you deserve better.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 02/09/2025 14:31

chuck this one and his bratty daughter back in the sea.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:32

I’m not saying it’s her fault at all

I can totally see why she’s behaving the way she is - I’m just not sure what more I can actually do about this

Dad is 100% responsible for her as her parent when she is with him and he isn’t doing that job at all

OP posts:
freerangethighs · 02/09/2025 14:32

Daughter sounds in the range of normal for a 13yo who's been through a bit. Faux stepdad moving with in mum so soon is a bad idea, and it's too bad she can't find some support with her dad - her hanging out moaning is probably an attempt to get his attention, otherwise she'd be refusing to go or disappearing into her room - but no one can force him to actively parent if he won't or can't. (Not sure about the situation with the previous girlfriend but it sounds like the root of the problem is also terrible parenting; she must have been a pre-teen when all this happened).

Dad is either borderline abusive (and if so will get worse) or completely unready to be in any kind of relationship now. I feel sorry for both children ... but no, this is not normal and under the circumstances, it's time to get out and not make any of this your problem.

momtoboys · 02/09/2025 14:32

childofthe607080s · 02/09/2025 13:49

She sounds a scared and insecure child

I agree but it isn't OP's job to fix that. This will only get worse. I would move on.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:34

It’s not about her being on the sofa

Its her lying across it in a way that she’s basically on top of me with her legs in a strop - a strip that can go on for hours unless I come up with something she wants

OP posts:
lessglittermoremud · 02/09/2025 14:35

Anyone who screamed at me and called me a prick would be binned off….

Firststop · 02/09/2025 14:36

Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:34

It’s not about her being on the sofa

Its her lying across it in a way that she’s basically on top of me with her legs in a strop - a strip that can go on for hours unless I come up with something she wants

She attention seeking. She's not getting it from her Dad and sees you as the most likely provider of it.

Fwiw, we now talk about attention "needs" rather than seeking, and you can see why she might be feeling that need, but you're right it won't change unless her parents step up.

Original poster
Makeitstop0 · 02/09/2025 14:36

I agree that she’s been through a lot

Last girlfriend was apparently an alcoholic but in which case why was a 12 year old left in her company only a few months into meeting her just because “ she went on and on “

I think dad is very lazy as a parent
Mum sounds similar and step dad

I absolutely would never ever have a child with this man to the poster who suggested that

OP posts:
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