So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

I think it’s very brave of you to post this.

Yes, of course anyone who gets into a relationship with someone who has children should consider that those children might live with them full time for a range of reasons. But most probably don’t.

I would absolutely hate it. If you really are that unhappy, you know you can leave. Your unhappiness is a valid reason. 💐

That sounds incredibly difficult. It seems as though you are picking up most of the slack. A lot of it you can’t change but I think you should chip away at the things you can. Eg, you said you can’t go out with your mum friends with toddlers at the weekend…I would say you absolutely can! It would be good for older kids to have time with their dad. If it is really important for football or wherever to happen…then dad needs to facilitate it. If these minimal things don’t happen, resentment will build and he may well end doing it all on his own anyway. Good luck…you are doing an incredible thing but need to protect and prioritise yourself too.

And the email thing…why oh why can’t he do that bit?!

I’m so sorry, there will likely be someone along soon who will day this is what you should expect being with someone who already had kids, but the situation is rare where the kids have to move full time. You don’t go into detail about the why, but I assume it’s something massive that will have an huge impact on his kids.
Can he take time off work? What about his he grandparents on both sides, can they help.
Im sorry, it does sounds so stressful. I’d hate to give up any of my free time, especially when you’re dealing with a two year old.

I’m not surprised you hate it, most people would.

the last thing I’d want to do in my precious down time is spend it doing free childcare for someone else’s kids.

how long is it for?

it actually isn’t your job at all to do anything for his kids really. It’s his. If you weren’t about, what would he do now? Many many parents can’t work those desired job due to looking after children, and have to change job accordingly. Now between the two of you you could decide that it makes more sense for him to carry on bringing in his current wage and you look after his kids, but if you do that, as you are doing then you need to switch your thinking - he should be enormously grateful to you for this, not just expect it and have you worrying about saying what you actually think.

leaving is an option for you if you think it’s longterm.

OP, I sympathise massively. I wouldn’t have been able to live with DSC full-time; I would have had to leave. It’s so hard having DC full-time when you’re not been involved in raising them from the start; absolutely everything is different. And doubly hard when you have your own joint DC in the mix, while been raised differently again. And lots of rules don’t seem to apply to DSC - as understandable as the rationale behind it is, it is HARD. And they have divided loyalties so can be resentful of you, no matter how much you are doing for them.

Can you hang in there for now, and see if it gets easier/ you go back to shared care?

You should be able to go to your hobby; that’s an outlet that will make everything else seem easier to cope with, so DH should be onboard with this.

He will have to make the changes that you were making, if he wants them to keep their hobby up.

I think it's hard when you're effectively no relation to a child, yet expected to parent because the actual parent is incompetent. I'm sorry if I've presumed wrong about mum.

Your life is now someone else's because the person who should be doing their job is not. Of course you can be resentful, you're picking up someone else's slack, for their children, at the expense of your own.

Of course you are compassionate, of course you do what you can, but sorry, what the fuck is dad doing? He needs to be parenting his children, not leaving it to you, then spending every other moment chewing your ear off about his poor children when he's not looking after them.

He needs to take some reduced hours and look after his children.

I think your H is being unreasonable. He is his children's parent. While I understand that he is working it's not your responsibility to take on full care of his children. You are not their parent. If he wants their routine to stay the same he needs to facilitate that. He could temporarily reduce his hours in order to be more present for them or provide childcare for them like summer club or wrap around care if they are back at school. I understand they struggling but you can't do it all nor should you.

Also I had to be very firm with DH that he needed to spend time with his DC alone. He used to always force us to be ‘a family’ but all this did was make them resentful, so they were rude, so I got out their way.

it should have been managed better from the start. You don’t need to all be together 24/7. Tbh men just like this as it’s easier; and DSC can often be a bit hard work due to their circumstances, so they’re looking to share the load (pain)

Bingo winner here, everyone!

Exactly what I was going to say.

What a plank.

You don’t sound selfish at all! I would really struggle if my DSC came to live with us full time. In fact I couldn’t do it. BUT they’re not the problem here-it’s your DH and his expectations of you.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say you will help where you can but time with your toddler, mum friends, and hobbies are non negotiable. If he’s working he will have to facilitate them getting to football etc some
other way, or changing his working hours!!! There’s nothing selfish about having boundaries x

To actually answer their point, if I wasnt around, I’d expect DH to prioritise our DC, of course.

I would have no expectation on his new partner.

The thing is you’re not complaining to your DH, you’re doing that on an anonymous forum! So complain away.

One question I have is why can’t you go to your hobby one night a week? Why are you the only one available to take DSC to football? Where is your DH?

These aren’t her children, so logically you don’t make sense.

I feel for you Op, they’re HIS children so why is the burden falling on you? Plenty of women work full on jobs and figure this out.

Bingo Bonzo’s already done its thing, OP.

I have huge sympathy - no
one would like it with their own toddler to cope with.

DH must have solo time with DC or it might look like he’s dumped them too.

‘Does what he can’ isn’t good enough. You’ve bust a gut. DH needs to step up.

DC really will love you, you know - what you’re doing will pay off.

You don’t sound awfully at all, OP. Ignore that poster.

Your DP need to do more. It doesn’t matter that he works more hours. He has more children.

God forbid, but if something happened to you (or you left him), he’d have to manage on his own.

Tell him, as you’ve done here, how much you’re struggling, and if he can’t be understanding of that, ask him what he’d do without you, because it could quickly become reality.

Fuck it I might as well be honest. I'd be gone.

I think you need a very clear discussion with DH: his children; his problem. Any help you give is out of the kindness of your heart.

1. If necessary, he needs to cut down his hours/get more flex at work/get a more flexible job like a mum would most probably do. He can't take DC to football? Lift with friend's parent/bus or no football.
2. If grandparents are willing, he must involve them - more loving adults is better than less.
3. His 2 year old is not more important than his 10 and 12 year old but she's not less important either.
4. He needs emotional support from someone outside the family (employee assistance programme/counsellor/charity if it's a specific illness). He must stop dumping on you. Make e.g. the kitchen and bedroom SC discussion free.
5. He should reach out to the SC's school pastoral team for help.

This is very serious. He is at risk of losing his second marriage as well as his first.

Even if you do everything, forever, the SC and DH aren't necessarily going to appreciate it. Start planning and saving for living apart from him just in case it comes to that.

This sounds really hard OP. I do think you need to carve out some time for yourself. It's important for you to go and meet your friends for a coffee at the weekend - you need to be firm with DH about this.

Are you specifically working reduced hours to care for your joint toddler or does his similar job just happen to come with longer days or a longer commute?

Okay lovely, it's time to go back to the beginning and work out a plan. You absolutely should be going to your hobby, taking the baby out for coffee at the weekends etc. Whether your Dh thinks those things are less important than 'doing things as a family' is neither here nor there - you need these activities to stay sane! You are allowed to have a life of your own and to sometimes prioritise your own preferences and it's not for Dh to say otherwise. Because when push comes to shove, looking after the children is dh's responsibility, not yours and he needs to be appreciative of what you do, not demanding every moment of every day!

So, back to the beginning to reallocate who does what. Unfortunately everyone has to accept that not everything can stay exactly the same for the kids and if Dh wants to maintain all football clubs etc, then he has to facilitate this. You are allowed to push back and not agree to everything that he thinks is important. Like lots of men, your h seems to have high ideas of what should he done but it isn't him actually doing it, so don't allow him to dictate your whole life!

Now it is one of those things with getting into a relationship with a parent, that when the shit hits the fan you can find yourself full time parenting kids you never really thought you'd be living with. But there has to be compromise to make it work for everyone, not only dh and the kids.

Find your voice, lovely and start pushing back a bit.

I agree with @StrawberryCranberryYou really need to be firm and insist you have time to yourself. It’s vital. Don’t be afraid, you’re not being horrible.

You need to be able to go and see your mum friends and go to your hobby so you can enjoy some time for yourself and your husband needs to step up and take more responsibility for his children without expecting it all to fall to you. Once these things are in place im sure you will feel better about this situation its not fair for your whole life to taken over by this.