So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

Please please be kind to them

Totally disagree. Op doesn’t sound awful at all. Her life has been turned upside down. Looking after someone else’s Dc is totally different to looking after your own. Her h should be stepping up.

Don’t be so daft. What do you think op is going to do, feed them gruel and slap them? 🙄🙄

Why are you picking up so much of the slack? This should be down to your h.

You should definitely go out with friends at the weekend and keep doing your hobby.

Whatever you choose to do now, those children will remember. Is it your fault or your responsibility? Is it fair to you? No to both. But, it isn’t fair to them either. Tell your DH to step up and deal with parenting them more, ensure you have time for your own hobby etc, but remember they are children going through something awful. Sometimes being the adult is a bit shit.

I don't think their Dad is doing them any favours in pushing family time all weekend - they know they can't be with their mum right now, they know you're not their new mum so they could feel resentful that you're around all the time.

They need some time with their Dad, to be able to talk to him about worries about their mum etc. They need to see that he's stepping up for them, and not leaving it all to you, as your relationship is with him, not them.

And of course you need time to yourself, and should be meeting your friends at the weekend, your toddler should get to run around the playground with his/her friends too.

The kids can get a lift to or from football, so your toddler doesn't have to be out in the car to take them and pick them up. If they were your own kids you'd be sharing lifts with other parents, no reason you can't do it with stepkids.

It sounds like you’re doing more than your fair share. You say your husband can’t do more because he works longer hours. Why hasn’t he reduced his hours to pick up the slack? Why isn’t their actual parent doing the running around taking them to clubs and receiving the school email? There has been a drastic change in circumstances but your husband is just carrying on as usual and expecting you to give up your life. Seems pretty unfair.

To use the MN cliché, you have a DH problem. It's him who should be stepping up, not you. Why on earth are you getting school emails? It should be him. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss how he is going to step up to help his DC retain their routine and get family time with him.

I agree with a lot of what the PP have said about looking after yourself.

Also I would also suggest that you and DH will be doing your SDC no favors by trying to make their lives all jolly and happy by bending over backwards for them right now. No amount of pretending is going to cover up that their lives have been turned upside down and the mental shock that has likely been.

I think stability, love and the SDC having to fit in a bit with the new set up is important. Also time with their Dad one on one so they can chat about anything that is worrying them. The best way to get that sort of conversation started is DH to drive them individually somewhere, cars are an amazing place to get conversations started with DC, as is bedtime.

Probly doesn't want you to do anything on ur own coz hel have to actually parent the kids hisself.
Really feel for you but you need to speak up or it will continue 🥰

Sounds tough. At least with your own children, you develop routines and boundaries as they grow, whilst this has been foisted upon you. It’s still early days, but maybe after three months you need to sit down and explain the situation. Explain you need to do your hobby and have a break. Can someone else pick dc up for football? I get he’s busy Disney dad, but he needs to step up with routine parenting . Remind him they’re his kids.

You wouldn’t be so miserable if your DH was acting like a proper parent to his DCs.

What adjustments has he made? He clearly does not understand the DC at all if he is insisting on family time as opposed to having one on one time with them while you have time with your friends.

Id seek out some resources that give advice on how to manage this and share them with your DH. And I’d make it clear to him that he needs to step up. He needs to be getting school emails, he needs to be changing his hours and he needs to be the parent his DC deserve not outsourcing it to you. Yes you will have more free time than him but you also have less children and that’s the way it goes

YANBU it sounds like it has been a huge upheaval for everyone. It sounds like your partner was used to ex being the default parent and now he's trying to dump that role onto you - he needs to step up you shouldn't stop going out to see friends on the weekend that will make you feel more miserable and isolated. He needs to build the support network either family, grandparents, other parents. At the end of the day if you weren't there what would he be doing?

I'd hate it as well op. I'd hate to be a step parent full stop. But the fact is you are one and children have to be looked after first. One thing to take as consolation OP, your partner sounds like a good dad and given you have a child with him, really, you couldn't wish it another way.

I’m normally the first to say get a grip on these step parenting threads, but in this case I don’t think your dh is being fair. If the DSc lived with you full time you wouldn’t be behaving like this, so it’s not a realistic set up. Yes they’re dealing with something difficult right now, but that doesn’t mean they can’t hang out with just their dad for 2 hours on a Saturday morning. Is he doing anything to actually help them, like do they need a therapist or other support or is the solution just for you to not go anywhere or do anything without them?
It’s all well and good for him to say we need to do this or that, when it’s not actually him doing this or that.
I think you need to have a talk to him about all the workload you’re picking up, and there needs to be some solutions. Grandparents that can do a school run or drop them at football, a nanny or babysitter if you can afford it who can do a school run, dh spending some time with them alone, which I’m sure they want too! Maybe dh needs to ask about changing his hours or something else. And at their age they can pick up their own socks, they need to contribute to the house as I’m sure you’d expect of dc when they’re older too.

@SweepingFrog I dont understand why you cannot do your hobby anymore??? who looked after your wee one before when you went??? was it not your dp??? going to be a bit harsh here but your dp needs to step up a lot more!

He has become the sole parent of his children, so he needs to drop his hours. You can still be a loving step Mum and make them feel welcome and have boundaries. Like not giving the school your number for example. He has to sort this. What would he do if you weren't there? If the roles were reversed would you expect him to do so much for your kids? Or would you be getting on with it.

Exactly this!!!

Change one thing at a time, you need to go out with your Mom friends. The DSC need time with their Dad on their own, you do matter too and yes he’s being a good Dad but he needs to be a good husband too x

None of what you are doing is your job.

I agree with above.

He needs to spend more time just him and his kids.

This will give ypu more time at the weekend to take your own kid out.

And unfortunate if your husband isn't able to take the kids to their after school activities they will need to be cancelled for the foreseeable.

Prioritise your own time and hobbies.

Is there any other housework your husband can help out with.

In the end if it gets too much can you go live woth your mum or someone for a week or two maybe it will make your husband realise how much you are doing.

The situation you've been put into isn't fair. And the one supposed to be doing the extra run around has a convenient excuse he is too busy with work. If you weren't there he would have had to be more flexible with his work or made other plans.

So he will need to sit and listen to you. And if he isn't happy go spend some time at a family members or a hotel for a couple of weeks.

Exactly and if he if its him having to take them, then he will probably rethink his decision on absolutely no changes to their routines.

Stop. Stop doing it. If it is important to DH, he can do the work.

That sounds really tough and you have been great to take in so much - but it’s not sustainable. You can’t pour from an empty cup - you need to keep doing your hobby and have at least half a day at the weekend to meet your toddler mum friends. DH needs to take on the school related admin.
Can grandparents help with football lifts - or come over for part of the weekend ( or another time) to give you a break? Lots of grandparents don’t want to feel like they are interfering - so will be waiting to be asked. Grandparents are also part of the family - even if SC are reluctant to go to theirs. It is also important not to give in to every demand/ preference ( eg not going to GPs) as this is not real life.
Also agree that your DH needs some time on his own with the children - badge it as them having him to themselves. It’s good for them and him to- and you.
Try and have a chat to him when things are calm - just explain you want it all to work and are trying hard but need a bit more balance as it now looks like a marathon rather than a sprint.

Good luck and hope things get better for you all.

So basically your DH is making you take over where their actual mother left off while his life pretty much stays the same.? That's not on. He should be stepping up far more.

You absolutely should continue to go out with your mum friends and toddlers. Tell your DH his DC need to spend time alone with their Dad; they don't need you around all the time. He is their actual parent, not you.

And you shouldn't be sacrificing your hobby and your mental health to facilitate your DSC hobbies either. Your DH needs to get his finger out and facilitate this and stop expecting you to do everything.

And if the holiday with DH doesn't happen I'd be going on holiday with a friend and leaving him to it. You matter too and your DH needs reminding of this.

You’re doing very well to put up with everything so far! However, I feel…

I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through.
Pur your foot down with this one. Don’t let your husband dictate what you do every hour of every day. Tell him you are going out for coffee with your mates on Saturday morning and you’ll join them for family time later on. And you’ve still got all day Sunday to spend with them. You should be able to get away from all this for a couple of hours every weekend, don’t take no for an answer.

I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free.
But you’re not free. You need to enjoy your hobby still. It’s one night a week. Go!