So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

WhAt diD yOU EXpeCt

Oh, I dunno, that the two actual parents would parent their own fucking children instead of expecting some unrelated person to do their job more than they do.

God that sounds exhausting OP.

can you sit down with your husband and agree a better share of the workload?

He Is the parent here, not you. It sounds like you have been expect to become their default parent and main care giver overnight - when that should be him. If he hadn’t remarried how would he have coped? Lots of single parents do this - why can’t he?. Can their grandparents help? Can he pay for after school care?

How much has your DH’s life changed since? Seems like your life has massively changed overnight and his not much. And he’s putting everything on you.
You are not going to be much help if you’re burnt out.
Your hobby is non-negotiable. Can a friends parent take them to football practise? Otherwise DH takes them and this is non-negotiable. His work should understand with a massive overhaul like this that he needs flexibility.
Also have a come to Jesus conversation with DH. He either meets you half way (50/50) or you leave and he has to do 100%. It’s amazing how people can put demands on someone that they themself wouldn’t do.

Your not being selfish. You matter too. Just because your an wife and a mum and a step mum does not mean that your life doesn't matter. Your unhappy and that means something. Your DH needs to step up more. What would he do if you were not there or you worked the same hours as him ??

Did you post about this before OP? I remember a thread about a mum going into rehab or psychiatric care and the OP was overwhelmed of the prospect of having the two dsc full time at home. She was also autistic so needed routines and stability. Sorry if this isn't you.

Anyhow, you need to take your needs into consideration as well. Your DH needs to be the one getting updates from school, not you. Also, can gp step up to fetch from school? I feel sorry for you OP, it's a very tough situation you're and you are perfectly entitled to rant. I feel sorry for all of the parties involved.

This and what everyone else has said. It's the principle of putting your own oxygen mask on first so you can help others. You need outlets like your hobby time. Your DH needs to sort his work out and change shifts, drop hours, do whatever it takes. If not, you can decide this is too much to ask of you and that's ok.

Why are you the one receiving school emails / club runs etc. - where is their father in this as well? He wants to be a dad, he has to take on the responsibility of that side of it as well. I would be putting that on to him, he can sort clubs/transport/school admin, you will not be getting involved. And you will not be relied on for doing childcare runs etc, he is their parent it comes with the territory, it is not fair you are changing your whole life and he is happy to carry on pretty much as before. The children ultimately are his responsibility. And you should have time seeing friends etc, that is okay. Make it clear to DP that whilst yes you will do things together regularly, that you will be seeing friends etc. that is non negotiable like it or lump it 🤷‍♀️

None of it is your job but your DH clearly hasn’t been a good dad if he’s seen his first DC so infrequently in the past. No wonder he’s not used to having them around, and by default, neither are you. Poor kids stuck in the middle of all this though - they will be more than aware that you don’t want them around. What a way to live! No mum on the scene and a stepmum who hates them. I hope no one ever feels that your shared DC with DH is such a burden. These children are your child’s siblings!

You need to talk to DH but maybe reframe it. Rather than the way you have put it (everything about DSC, miserable, can't do anything etc) maybe say you're struggling with your mental health and you need to take some time out for yourself so you can be the best mum and step-mum to the children. Tell him that you need to get back to doing some of the things you enjoy alone and tell him that you don't think it will do the DC any harm having quality time with their dad without you there.

That's really tough OP.
If it was very temporary then I'd say crack on, grin and bare it. However, it's not. Your DH should be shouldering the brunt of this. It's easy for him to say the DSC lives must continue as before but he's dumped it all on you. He'll probably retaliate that he needs to work to pay for everything etc, which is valid but you have to be perfectly clear that you can't do it all. There has to be sacrifices, for all of you, if you are going to survive this.

I don't see any suggestion in the OP's post that she "hates them".

Hang on … he expects you to give up going out with your toddler and mum friends at the weekend when he’s home? You have to put your foot down, his life has barely changed but yours have and you need a break! He can spend quality time with his eldest DC by himself, you all need him to man up. They need their dad and all he is doing is putting everything on you! The holiday you had planned, was it for your toddler too? If so I would still go and leave him at home, his eldest DC won’t have to stay at grandparents and you can have time with your toddler.

OP this reads exactly like what someone I know on the school run is experiencing.

All I can say is that even though it may feel hard, the way you are stepping up for these children is incredible. You are a good person with a heart of gold.

I know one of the Step-DCs of my friend- honestly what she is doing for these children who desperately need this support right now is her finest hour.

It is more than OK to not love every minute and to offload to others, but know that you are doing something of such high value to these children and your partner.

The world needs more step-parents like you 💐

You are doing a great thing OP but your DH definitely needs to step up more - as others have said he needs to make changes if necessary.

I think your DH needs to do what every mother out there is forced to do, sacrifice some of his earning capabilities in order to bring up his children. You should definitely not be on the school mailing list, that is his mental load to carry. You should not be forced to spend all of your free time with his children, especially since the age difference between his children and you joint child is so big. You need to be able to continue with your hobby, it's up to him to facilitate so that you have that moment to yourself. It was his choice to have 3 children, he needs to step up and make some drastic changes to his lifestyle and stop putting it all on you.

It sounds really hard and definitely not what you were expecting when you married DH. You really should be able do your hobbies and have time away from the home just with your toddler.

However I presume if your DH took on all (or a much larger portion of) the parenting of his DC (which he might want to do, or not) he might have to take a cut in hours at work or some unpaid leave which while it would free you up would also presumably have a financial impact?

I do feel for the children in this scenario. They didn't ask to be a burden and cramp your lifestyle. It would be best for them if they could live safely/happily with their mum as well as for you. I guess the difference is that you can walk away and choose not to have this life - that's not an option for the DSC.

You do really need to speak to your DH about how you're feeling and find a way that the DSC can be cared for and feel welcome in your home but without it ruining your life.

Her husband isn’t putting his children first though, he’s expecting the OP to put them first so he can get on with his life. You actually sound very horrible BTW.

My son hated going to see dad and stepmum precisely because his dad enforced “family time” on him. It’s bollocks and you can and should talk him no. I imagine his kids would prefer just to hang out with him most if not all of the time. You’re very lucky if they want to spend any time with you or the two-year-old, they need a LOT of space as do you, and it sounds like you guys are going to need a lot more hands on deck in terms of support. You can’t keep everything going on your own. Something absolutely catastrophic must’ve happened in that world for them to be in this situation, poor kids. But dad needs to understand he is fucking it up by trying to make you all do everything together. I wonder how the kids feel about you having emails from their school in light of only just loosing their mother? they may well prefer those just go to their father as well.

I think you’re being unreasonable in the sense that when you start a relationship with someone who has children, there’s always the possibility of those children being with you full-time, especially as teen years approach.

Saying that, I think you absolutely shouldn’t stop your hobby or your meet up with friends. Any mother, stepmother, guardian, whatever, needs to make time for herself otherwise it will run you to the ground.

Your husband can spend quality time with the children while you’re off to do something else, it’s not a crime. Look after yourself.

It isn’t selfish to have your own needs and the need to have your own voice heard. You have already sacrificed massively for others. Most men would never dream of doing this yet women are still conditioned to think that they should do everything others expect of them and suppress themselves. It’s not sustainable. All you might need is to be heard and a little rebalance, feel supported and all will be ok. But to minimise your voice to nothing is a terrible thing to do to another person and will ultimately result in unhappiness for everyone. To your other half’s credit I’m sure he’s trying to do the right thing but in the midst of it all can’t see the wood for the trees. Hope it all turns out ok and let us know how it goes x

I sympathise. I had much the same situation. My eldest DSD came to us FT in 2019, younger DSD in 2020 (mid lockdown)

They never saw mum again, and never will. We also had a baby in 2022, just to add to the fun lol, so we were a three DD household in total.

it was HARD. Really really hard for a good couple of years. However, if it gives you any hope, I have spent a lovely day today with the middle one (now 14) and it’s been brilliant, we’ve been shopping, prepped for a holiday tomorrow, moaned about Dad, gossiped, laughed at TikToks - exactly as you’d hope a mother and daughter would be able to do. Both DSDs now refer to me as mum (their choice, and before anyone says anything about disrespect to their mum, believe me, that ship has sailed) and I genuinely see them both as my girls, as much as I do my biological daughter.

it’s hard, but you’re in the trenches at the moment. So are they, and so is your husband. Be honest with him that you’re struggling, but understand that if something traumatic has happened, not only will they be in bits, but he’ll be carrying a shit load of guilt, and that’s not easy to manage.

do try and carve out some time for yourself too. I didn’t, I martyred myself and the only person that suffered was me 🙄

I really wish you the best, one thing I tried to remember was that ‘this too shall pass’.

I would bet good money that the DH has not told his line manager, contacted employee assistance, spoken to friends, had a proper discussion with grandparents, reached out to the school or to parents of his kids' friends. Most men just don't. They just blunder on.

He only had his kids 2/7 nights before whatever awful thing happened and no doubt the OP did most of the legwork on that. She does most of the work with the shared child. She matters.

You are going to have to tell him that as they could be with you indefinitely, he needs to take responsibility as they need quality time alone with him. I would tell him you feel overwhelmed and resentful that he expects you to give up your hobby and time socialising with friends and that he is neglecting your toddler too. That your workload is hectic now and he needs to pull his weight around the house too, he needs to sort out lifts or taxis for his DC as it’s not always convenient. That you and toddler are as important as him and DSC and to stop pushing his responsibilities onto you all the time because you both need consideration.
You don’t want to leave deep down but you want to be heard and not ignored. Your poor DSC must be in bits but you all have needs that need to be factored in the equation.

He's their parent, so he needs to parent. She has 1 child not 3. He needs to actually DO THE PARENTING instead of outsourcing it to his wife. Then also dictating how she does it. Working doesn't obsolve him of his responsibilities.

Put bluntly your DP needs to do more cos they are his kids. Why are you dealing with school admin? Your DP needs to look at changing his work hours or getting different job. Lots of women do this so we can show up for our kids!

You need a really honest conversation as you are also important and need to have your needs met also and if that means coming of a school mailing list, having protected time for a hobby and the chance to meet up with you own friends then so be it