So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

I was thinking the same. Kids need boundaries. They’ve been with you for two months now, so it’s okay not to say yes all the time. Missing an odd week of football won’t hurt, for example.

Also, what are they like around the house? Do they contribute, such as emptying the dishwasher, keep their rooms tidy, etc. Don’t let them slip into bad habits.

Do you really think that the DSC's lives haven't been affected?

Of course they have! And more so than anyone else's. They've had to firstly deal with their parents separation, assuming their dad once lived with them, and now they're unable to be with their mum and are living full time at OP's house. They can't even have their guinea pigs with them.

They've gone through all sorts, so it's not just OP's life that has changed.

But it isn’t her husband’s. And that is the issue.

The DH is likely getting some sleep when he's 'home all day', as he works long hours and nights the OP has said.

You don’t sound selfish.

You recognise these children have had their life turned upside down.

But so have you.

Just tell DH that every other weekend you will be meeting your toddler mum friends just as you would be doing even if the DSC were yours biologically. It’s how families work. Divide and conquer.

He can do something with his children those days and he can support them emotionally through this difficult time.

Im a LP and it’s important that being a parent doesn’t make you lose sense of self. Doesn’t stop you being and doing what makes you happy. Or what kind of life is it?

You're right that you’ll have to suck up most of it because it’s what does come with marrying someone with kids (or leave which is your right) but this situation doesn’t mean you lose all autonomy over your wishes either.

(maybe point out to DH that if he doesn’t compromise and you do leave he’ll be parenting all 3 of them alone EOW whilst you do the toddler coffees with your toddler EOW).

You have to talk to him because actually all of this pandering isn’t the right thing for your DSC either however short or long term this is boundaries need to be implemented

so firstly money discussions about how that works
then the fact that yes you can take on more but not at the detriment of everything your hobby needs to stand

abd they need to go to their grandparents as well and have them step up why are you ok in place of him and they aren’t

The OP hasn't once said that her DH should change his job, or reduce his hours so that he can be more present. It seems as if she's happy for him to do the job he's doing so that he can bring the money in. She can't have it both ways

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You've gone from one kid to 3 overnight and the DSC come with their own trauma and anxiety. Plus they aren't yours so you haven't really got to know them like you know your own.

I understand you DH works but I really don't think he's picking up enough of the slack. You may well want to help but it's not your responsibility. It's not fair for him to decide that they don't need to go to the GP when he's not adjusting his week to accommodate that.

I think you and DSC would benifit from some routine with the GP. If their GPs could have them on your club night and maybe another night a week for their tea that would give you some time alone.

I think that DH needs to have the all kids for a few hours on a Saturday so you can have some alone time, a lay in or coffee with a friend. Then maybe you could have them all on a Sunday so he can have some as well.

You'll feel less resentful if you have a bit of time where you are not meeting g other people's needs.

You need to get some kind of childcare in and take him out to discuss where there is no chance of anyone overhearing.

You do need time on your own and just you and the toddler. He needs to step up and show he wants to spend time with his own children.
If he continues to insist all time is “family time” then you will end up resenting the SC.
They may also need to have their own space and activities. They also need to be given the room and security to be grumpy.
You might also want to see if you can access any family therapy. This is a tough situation and no one person can be calling all the shots. Everyone needs down time and space.

I suppose when you get married you sign up for the long term which means a partnership and being able to rely on each other and ask for support. The OPs update would suggest that this is what's happening- he's not dumping the whole lot on her to deal with while his life is unaffected. He's working long anti-social hours, is desperately worried about his DC and the long term impact of this situation and is rightly looking to his wife to support him with this.

If you want the benefits of marriage you have to accept this goes both ways.

OP
Whilst I agree that you should be able to go off and do your own thing with your friends every week, and let your DH look after all the kids for a few hours at the weekend, and that you should also continue with your hobby and get the grandparents to take your DSC's to football, I do think you're being unfair with regards to basically moaning about having to take the DSC's to school and do everything their mother would do if she were able.

The reason I think this is because you willingly chose to marry your DH knowing full well he had responsibilities, and you should've assumed that you could one day potentially have your DSC's living with you if their mum wasn't able to care for them for any reason.

I think some step parents (not all) when deciding to marry or live with a partner push to the back of their minds the fact that their partner's kids will play a big role in their lives and just want to live in their own 'little bubble' with their partner and their joint DC 's.
I think this is what you've done too OP. You've even arranged a holiday without your DSC's, was that their dad's decision to exclude them or yours? I'm assuming your own DC will be going on the holiday.

As for not wanting to be on the school's email list, it's unrealistic to not be involved when you're taking your DSC's to school every day, you might need to speak with their Teacher regarding any email you receive, so it's daft to expect your DH to relay anything school related to you.
As for you buying the uniform out of your money, and your bills increasing, I'm assuming that your DH was paying a decent amount of child maintenance (which he should've been) and I imagine that's stopped now his DC's are with you, then you've saved money that way anyway.

I also wonder why you didn't give your DSC's a chance to show you that they could look after their pets in your home?
You could've said to them that they could bring them to yours as long as they cleaned, fed and looked after them properly, and if they didn't then the pets would have to be rehomed.

You also seem quite happy for your DH to work those long hours to bring the money in (and enable you to work part time), so who else can take his eldest DC's to school and shopping if he's either at work or at home sleeping before his next long shift?

As I said in another post, you can't have it both ways.

It's great that you recognise that lack of confidence is holding you back from standing up to your husband's wishes regarding DC - but you can do it, you did regarding guinea pigs (wise move on your part). You need to practise being assertive (try talking to a mirror) and saying No. eg 'No, I cannot buy your DCs school uniform because I am taking my toddler DC to....wherever. You (DH) can buy their clothes online.'
You need to go on that holiday on your own with your DC, and leave DH to manage the step-DC. They are his responsibility.
I suggested effectively walking out for a few days because it makes your position clear and it might be easier to make your point than attempting to make numerous small incremental changes through conversations with your DH.
But the bottom line is that if you care about the step-DC and your DH enough you are going to end up staying and being their Mum, maybe even adopting them if their birth mother is out of the picture.
Finally, get a joint account that both salaries are paid into, current set up is ridiculous and men who have enough money seem oblivious to what it's like not to have enough. Marriage = joint finances.

Yanbu @SweepingFrog

these are his kids and he needs to pick up most of the work that this entails

the school update email would give me the rage, get that changed to him and tell him that while you’ll happily support if possible, you are not de facto child minder to the extent that he’s making it.

if he wants to do things with his kids as a family, either he can take them all out solo, so that you get a break/chance to do your hobby etc etc, or he takes his older kids out while you go to meet your friends with toddlers etc. once or twice a month is a perfect compromise.

its been 3m, so while you’re sympathetic, a new sustainable routine needs to be gradually established.

be firm on this, he’s taking you for a bit of a mug and offloading most of the responsibility for his kids onto you.

I suppose when you have children you sign up for the long term which means you don't expect someone else to give the lions share of support to your own children instead of you. Plenty of full time working Mum's manage to divide and conquer childcare at the weekend and in the evenings, why not this guy?

First marriages fail for all sorts of reasons, but it wouldn't be the first time a father prefer's to hide behind their work and not get too involved. The marriage fails, they get a new recruit to babysit the first set of kids as well as their own and continue to act like the super Dad at work, garnering sympathy and hero worship for actually maybe just doing a fraction of what their partner is actually picking up in the background.

I have witnessed this little scenio at play at work so, so many times.

He can and should be parenting his own children more to give the Op a break at the weekends.

This is great advice @SweepingFrog

if he wants you to pick things up for the kids, he can buy them and you can click and collect

or has he never heard of online shopping

you have a DH problem and I’m guessing that this is why he already has one failed relationship behind him. You need to point out that unless he takes the bulk of the DSC care from you, and I mean he does drop offs/pick ups when his schedule works and you only pick that up in the situations when it doesn’t, he’ll be looking at yet another failed relationship because you hate this life so much you’ll leave him too.

he needs to lead this childcare and you support, not the other way around

There has been alot of heaveal in a short period of time. Everything is still very reactionary rather than intentional.

Now that things are starting to clear as to how much needs to be considered before you approach your DH you need to get clear on what you would like to happen. All relationships and especially with children have a transitional quality to them.

Currently your marriage is set up transitionally that:

• Your DH works more hours with higher income that allows you to work less but benefit from both time and income in that you both have equal amounts of money left. So he is absorbing more financially to allow you to benefit time and financially.
• That trade off means for your joint child you have more responsibility but also time.

The addition of your SC full time. Now means you both need to sit down and get very clear on what buckets of time/money/responsibility to the kids/each other and yourselves and everyones needs are to be met.

Like Im talking massive piece of paper. Write it all out so you both can actually think and visualise everything.

The question is how much of your time and self are you willing to contribute to each bucket.

He needs to do the same. But with each decision comes a trade off.

Ok you want less responsibility, so he needs to take more. How does he do that? Work less?

So who makes up the financial difference? You? That means you now have to take time out of other buckets.

There is no right or wrong way.

But the real question is before you even get to that stage of discussion is this even something you want to do. Because if it isnt then realistically maybe your relationship isnt going to work you going forward.a

Something traumatic has happened to these children, so DHs instinct to absolutely wrap them up in cotton wool and make them the centre of the family is understandable. Three months later, however, a new routine and sense of the new normal should be starting to form IMO. Squashing OP out of her own life in this manner is entirely unreasonable, selfish and unsustainable.
I think I’d be starting with the hobby and toddler meet ups. Those things are happening as they are important for OPs MH and her toddlers sense of routine. DH would be informed that as of X date, he will have to make his own arrangements as OP is not free for ferrying the DSC around or to have enforced “family time”.
Once you have set a boundary around time that is important to you, OP, I think everything else will either feel easier to deal with or easier to push back against.
Your marriage is now the foundation he’s trying to build a new life for his DC on. He can’t afford to let it fall to pieces by allowing his wife to be crushed underneath all these responsibilities which he should be taking on.

Maybe if he was able to switch roles with OP, and she does his job, works the same long hours and earns the same income, whilst he works part time school hours, then he would take the kids to school and do exactly what the OP does with them.

He has the weekends off. That's the time he should do all of the parenting to give you a break from the weekday grind.

This 'family time' thing is nonsense, he just wants to share the work of entertaining his children. Don't fall for it.

RedB99 This is NOT what you expect when you "marry a man with children!" FFS! His kids.He needs to stop dumping on his wife big time .OP you need to work out a plan ASAP.Can you get a break at all? Stay with your parents maybe .He needs to sort out time from work to help them settle .Also why the fuck have you got the school Emails sent to you? .He deals with all that Im afraid ! Needs to step up to the plate .Ditto football.Reclaim your hobby /weekends with friends .Its your life too .I think this is often why second marriages flounder

Thanks again everyone.

Re the holiday, no our DC isn't coming. As I said in a previous post it's the first time we've been away just us in a very long time. My parents are having our DC. I think DSC should just go stay with their grandparents while we go but I just know it's going to be a point of tension when it eventually comes up because they won't want to.

I am very aware that some of these things can't change unless I'm willing to take on more in terms of work / financially and DH drop hours. I don't want to do that either and lose out on the time with my own child which is why I am just ranting. I just want my life back.

The guinea pigs... I do feel bad about it but if I'd let them in the house on the agreement that they were looked after or they'd go, they never would have actually left again even if they hadn't been cared for. It's harder to get rid once they are here than to just say no upfront. We already have a dog, we don't need more pets in the house.

I have said to DH that he needs to start encouraging them to do a bit more around the house. As it stands they barely even tidy their own room nevermind anything else. I have stressed that I will not be going in and picking up dirty clothes from the floor etc.. but it's rare that anything is brought down. I am just going to stop doing any washing that isn't in the basket.

Thanks again everyone.

Re the holiday, no our DC isn't coming. As I said in a previous post it's the first time we've been away just us in a very long time. My parents are having our DC. I think DSC should just go stay with their grandparents while we go but I just know it's going to be a point of tension when it eventually comes up because they won't want to.

I am very aware that some of these things can't change unless I'm willing to take on more in terms of work / financially and DH drop hours. I don't want to do that either and lose out on the time with my own child which is why I am just ranting. I just want my life back.

The guinea pigs... I do feel bad about it but if I'd let them in the house on the agreement that they were looked after or they'd go, they never would have actually left again even if they hadn't been cared for. It's harder to get rid once they are here than to just say no upfront. We already have a dog, we don't need more pets in the house.

I have said to DH that he needs to start encouraging them to do a bit more around the house. As it stands they barely even tidy their own room nevermind anything else. I have stressed that I will not be going in and picking up dirty clothes from the floor etc.. but it's rare that anything is brought down. I am just going to stop doing any washing that isn't in the basket.

I think he knows that I'm not happy. He keeps making comments like "I love having DSC here all the time" and looking at me like he's waiting for me to confirm that I too love having them here.

I don't know what he expects me to say. Yes I too love the fact that my whole life now revolves around your DC? I don't. So I just don't really say anything and change the subject.

I think the school emails I will tell him to take me off as suggested.

In his mind I think he just sees it as oh well Frog is the "mum" in this house so we will both get them.

You need to really take control of yourself.

That means both of you having very hard and open conversations.

Ok you want to give back school emails. Great so how is communication between you and DH now going to work? Shared family calendar? What's App group solely for schedules?

House responsibility what can you out source financially? Cleaning? Washing etc.

You both need to stop being so passive and assuming of each other.