So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

The above post was to arethereanyleftatall

So you expect her DH to either pay for a childminder (incidentally, who would pick the DC's up from the childminders?) or get favours from others to help out because they're not OP's children?

Are you actually serious?
The OP has chosen to include herself in those children's lives. Anyone who chooses to do that shouldn't get to cherry pick the bits they want to do. You're either a step parent or you're not, and if the children's parents can't be available, then a step parent should help out.

But why is the step mother landed with all the care?

If I was OP I would return to work full time and leave the care up to the children’s closest relatives! A father has more parental responsibility than a step mother.

Because she is the one at home more, I didn't say the OP should do ALL the care, but if her DH is working full time, then when he's at work then the
onus should be on the step parent to care for the kids if they're living there.

If the OP was working full time then obviously that's a different situation, but she isn't.

I don't think that's very fair when she's got full care of a two year old.

So what do you suggest the family do to make everything fair for everyone?

Your email, your time, you being his childrens skivvy aupair, while his career motors on.

You are even paying for his children on your reduced income.

You are going to look back at this time and realise that your were such a mug.

You sacrificed your precious time with your child to be a free skivvy aupair.

You will be furious with yourself when the penny drops.

His big job is too important.
How convenient the nearest woman can pick up the slack.

Honestly OP, you are being used.
You will never get this time back with your child.
He will happily sacrifice anything so that HIS needs are met.

You need to pack your bags and go stay with your parents.
Let him sort HIS children out.

Oh and these men target soft, kind, easily manipulated women.
They like them quiet, subservient and solvent.

Prepared to look after their other children and suck it up.
They rarely go for the women who wouldn't dream of having their careers compromised by minding the children of others.
Far better a mug/ doormat that will allow herself be used.

That he allows you to also pay for his children on your reduced income is particularly distasteful.

Better you return to work full-time and move to your parents.

He keeps saying this is a big issue for his dc they need extra care and maximum support right now- that’s a time the working parent needs to pull back on work as his family needs him, in this case rhey are just his children not hers and he should be telling work he will be leaving at 5 every night, and needs a day a week off over the next month. Because he needs to be there for his dc, not just offload to his wife.

Of all the ridiculous posts I've read, your last two at 23:05 and 23:11 are absolutely unbelievable.

You make out that OP is being treated as a subservient skivvy by her DH, but this isn't the case. He's clearly trying his best to work around everyone so that the children can feel welcome in the home.
OP has said that he has changed his work pattern so that he can be home more at weekends, and that he also does a lot when he's there. But oh no, according to you he's using her? What utter rubbish.

OP was working part time before her DSC's came to stay, does her DH sound selfish then when he's been happy to work full time so that she could stay home a lot and spend more time with their child?

And he's not 'targeted' her FFS, he's married someone who he's assumed would be happy to be a step parent, but now reality is kicking in for OP (because her DSC's are now there full time, which is something any would be step parent should anticipate could happen) and she doesn't want to have to run around after them.

I've said previously that I agree OP should be able to do her hobby and meet friends (and she hasn't said that her DH is demanding that she stays home, he's just asked her to spend time with them all as a family whilst the children are going through a tough time), but the OP isn't happy with the school runs and picking up washing.

What should happen to her DSC's if their dad is working? Are you another poster who thinks they should be farmed out to a childminder even though OP is available to pick them up from school?

I really hope you're not a step parent with that kind of attitude, it's disgraceful.

@Beachwaves45 you see this dynamic every single day on Mumsnet. Not always a new wife/girlfriend - sometimes it's the ex being imposed upon (divorced wife or separated partner; lazy man still expecting school admin done for him); sometimes it's a friend or neighbour. Almost always female giver, male user though.

We're just going off what's most likely given what's been described and the likely age gap between the couple.

One could equally reframe the "kindness" of a dad "allowing" a mum to work part time as the "kindness" of the mum taking care of the kid so the dad's life is little impacted by the additional child. And you get to keep more of the salary proportionally 3.5 days as it minimises childcare and tax. Been there, made the spreadsheet. The dad, of course, may have never given a single minute's thought to reducing his own hours or job role or type.

Anyone who suddenly has to take on two children full time would find it overwhelming, and by the sound of it, with little or no warning. Her whole life has been upturned. Shes not a robot, she’s a human, so is allowed to have feelings regarding this. It sounds like dh is assuming she’ll just take this task on, without any regards to her feelings, and op is scared to say anything, in fear of being the wicked stepmother and/or, coming across as unsupportive.

Can you move out with your child?
I would get out of this situation.

I don't think it works this way. When you marry any partner what you are choosing is a spouse. Yes, their family comes along as part of that package — and if you have stepchildren you accept they will be a part of your lives. However, if you marry someone and the deal is they see the kids EOW, you are not agreeing at some distant point in the future to take the kids on full time. You are agreeing to the status quo. Yes, anything can and does happen, but you don't really expect it to. It isn't realistic to think that when the unexpected happens a stepmother is required to fill a parental role (that the parents themselves do not want to fill!).

@beachwaves
Whats unbelievable is that you clearly have little idea how often women and their lives and career are compromised by men who are happy for women to do the hard graft of parenting whilst they mostly talk the talk.

He's all about putting HIS children first as long as it doesn't involve him, his time, his career being impacted too much.
He works long hours, overnight and has only temporarily taken weekends off.

The OP can clean up, be the contact person, drop them to school, give up her hobby, shop for, and clean up after them.

All the while he talks the talk and continues to work his hours, job barely impacted.

YOUR posts show you have little idea of how women are used by men who probably walked away from the mother of their children when they were young, quickly finding another woman who would cover their EOW.
EOW is very little contact with his children in the first place.

OP didn't sign up for full-time care of two children, why would she?.

They are HIS children and he isn't doing a fraction of the heavy lifting.

I don't have step children.
I wouldn't be silly enough to get used as so many women are.

OP should pack a bag, go home to her parents, return to work full-time, and leave HIM to "putting HIS children first".

OP needs to think long and hard about her future.
Her reduced hours and pay are now filled with free childcare.
The difference between one and three children is enormous.

She would be better off returning to work full-time and staying with her parents.
You can be sure his children would be going to their grandparents if HE was being directly impacted.

The idea that a good father is a EOW is a complete joke.

Correction, not EOW, but 2 days a week.
2/7 means his Ex was clearly doing the heavy lifting.

Spot on @Rosegoldy

I don't think a step mum can reasonably do nothing in these circumstances - having the children come to stay full time and having to work around the parent's job and help out, is a hazard of marrying someone who already has children. But she certainly shouldn't be doing more than the dad or giving up her little bit of free time where this is unnecessary and being asked purely because the dh thinks his dc should be the centre of her world as well as his!

I disagree.

I have 2 step dc. Dh did all their stuff. If l’d have stepped into the role of parent they would have been resentful.

The best role for that of a step parent is as a mentor. Not parenting someone else’s children.

Yes, anything can and does happen, but you don't really expect it to.

Well if you marry a man or woman with kids, then you should take on board the fact that those kids may one day end up living with you, and if you don't want that possibility to ever happen, then you shouldn't marry or make a home with their parent.
What happens if a resident parent dies and their other parent has a new spouse and kids maybe? Should those first children be taken into care?

Because the way you make it sound is like it's tough shit for the kids, step parents shouldn't be forced to have to share their home with the CHILDREN of their partner.

I can't believe your attitude, honestly.

If the OP had said that she'd asked her DH to work less in order to look after his own children (whilst she worked more to keep the finances going), and then said that he'd refused to,I could understand.

But she hasn't offered this suggestion to him by the sounds of it. So it appears that OP is more than happy for him to work the long hours, but she doesn't want to add to her own workload.
As the kids have come to stay then someone has to take them to school don't they?

Don't most 12 year olds take themselves to school?

You make marriage and parenting sound like a financial equation, where the second wife has to earn her keep for the 'privilege' of reducing her own earnings and career prospects.

There are other adults with blood ties that ought to be allowed and encouraged to build resilient bonds with these children too (assuming they are able, willing and there's no cause for concern of course).

Now the family unit is bonded, time to let loving Grandparents have a look-in too.

Anything could happen if you marry anyone. They could fall off a ladder and become paraplegic, they could turn out to be a child molester, they could lose all their money on a bad business venture, a secret love child could turn up with all the complications of stepchildren - when you marry you theoretically agree to taking 'anything' on board ('til death us do part' and all that). In reality, every massive change in your lives because of an unexpected tragedy has to be navigated and dealt with as a couple. So, two children now need FT parenting in the OP's home. That requires her and her husband to make choices together and accommodate the change - it is not just 'OP now sucks up mothering two children who aren't hers', that's a sexist view of marriage. Just as if he had lost all their savings he would need to take responsibility so here he needs to take responsibility for his children. As the children are DH's he needs to be making the most effort to change his life to accommodate them, and doing what he can to make it easier for OP to deal with this massive shift in their marriage. As with any big unexpected event, if he is simply expecting his wife to take it on the chin and carry the load of his responsibilities, he will likely find himself divorced.

Totally get this! I would struggle having my SC full time for sure! Talk to your DH let him know how you are feeling, maybe he can take a bit more of the brunt. Set your boundaries as much as yes the kids need routine if you are to be a good parent you need to keep those things in your life that keep you happy