So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

I'll be so gutted to miss the holiday. We haven't been away alone for so long. It's only 4 days. I'm hoping in a few months time he will feel better about telling DSC they need to stay at their grans. DH nor I have brought it up yet.

We have paid a lot of money for it too.

I think anyone would find it a massive shock to the system going from full time parent of 1 to full time parent of 3, especially if the step children are going through a difficult time.

Be kind to yourself.

Being with someone with kids is hard - I can see this is a difficult situation for you you didn't expect or ask to be in, on the other hand if your dh didn't step up for his kids you'd think less of him.

Hopefully you can talk it through and he can do more for them - no reason why he can't be the chief admin person for example. Lots of single parents work full time!

any Emails you get about the kids - school/gp etc - just change the details with admin staff so he is the main contact. Ask to remove your email address completely

Just to add-

Their grandparents seem to be able to take them to football, so that should be the option. Granny takes you or no football. I presume they're decent grandparents.

Their life has been uprooted and they shouldn't be messed around more than necessary but you should start as you mean to go on. So instead of things changing incrementally, set things up so they work, even if it's a change, and stick with it. Because otherwise you'll leave their father and they will all be completely up shit creek. And that will be another big change.

There are two very worrying comments in this.

1. I’m worried about asking for the money back
2. im not good at this.

I can’t remember the exact quotes but something like that.

no, no, no, no, no.

do you have very low self esteem op? I’m starting to worry your ‘d’h is using you.

if he is at home all day, then he can deal with all emails from school and take his children shopping.
if you are doing so much for his children because he earns more then I presume you have access to his income?!?

He makes all these noises constantly about how important it is to prioritise DSC right now, how their routine needs to be maintained, how worried he is about them, how guilty he feels for them about what they are going through that it makes me feel as though I cannot say no
But he isn't prioritising them. He is telling you to.!how has his life changed? Is it in any way as dramatically as either you or any of the children? Every time he tries to guilt you with this kind of talk agree with him and then push everything back on to him. How will he do that? How will he accomodate that? What will he do abiut that?

He's doing them no favours at all by saying yes to everything. Even children going through hardship need to hear the word no sometimes. God help you both if he carries that on.

Just so lm clear the step children's life has to change as little as possible and neither so does your husbands? But your life and your toddlers lives do?! I wouldn't agree to this. I don't parent my own children 24/7 and zero chance of doing this with step children. I would also go back yo your hobby -if it's that key in your husbands eyes then he can put in a flexible working request or do swaps with another child's parent. Tough if they dont like going to their grandparents. Oh and l would go on your holiday either with or without your husband, sounds like it's more needed than ever

💐 you absolutely need to sit down with your DH and talk about the situation with view that the DSC are staying indefinitely.
Tell him how you want to continue to have them at your home. But also how you feel and that you need to have some time to do your own things, like meeting your own friends and doing your hobby (could you / DSC switch days?). It's what makes you you.

He needs to step up and somehow facilitate this. Otherwise, as already mentioned, resentment will set in and things will get far worse for everyone, including DSC.
Let the grandparents help, yes, DSC are almost at an age where it isn't cool to stay with them. But having another set of trustworthy and reliable adults in the DSC life could be the one thing that keeps them on the straight & narrow. Your DH needs to help to build this relationship.

I would also be worried about the 2yo with the older children taking up all of dads time and often tagging along with you. What message does that send to them?

Life is hard as everyone in your family is currently finding out. But it doesn't have to be that hard if there are people around you willing to help.

I do suffer from horribly low confidence, I always have. I struggle to stand up for myself.

The money thing is not because I think DH wouldn't pay me back, he will probably even offer. But if he doesn't it makes me feel awful going to him and saying can you give me the money for a few shirts because they aren't my kids essentially.

I do have access to his income yes. Our accounts are separate but we do split funds so that we have the same each month and I have all his account details and things. He's not secretive with anything like that.

I do believe he is just trying to do the best for DSC and is feeling guilty for them and wants them to have the family feel with us but at the same time is making a bit of a fumble of some of it.

I do take responsibility for the fact that I often lack the confidence to come out with how I'm feeling.

I did have to put my foot down about DSC bringing their pets here (guinea pigs). And I felt awful for that because they wanted to bring them but I knew they wouldn't end up looked after by DSC and I don't want the responsibility nor the smell / mess in my house.

This is exactly right.
His life and dsc lives haven't to be changed or affected, but yours and the 2 yos has?

I’ve just been through the same but no child together. It has destroyed our relationship after 2 months of having the children full time. No longer with him and it hurts.

Well done on stepping up so far because it can't be easy. You are also in a difficult age range, which regrettably might get worse i.e teens, before it improves again! Is there likely to be a time when they return home? I.e an end in sight?

A positive is your child spends time with DSC so a bond may form which could be really beneficial for them all. Has your DH stopped paying CMS?

Do the dsc have any friends parents who also go to the activity? It's really common for this type of lift sharing to happen.

As you mentioned your DH works for the NHS can he get carers leave? Perhaps if you offer to go back to work full time and he takes the front seat for a while. The more you do solo the less he will understand the pressure you are under.

It's important you don't build resentment as that will sour all relationships so prioritise something for yourself. The one weekly activity might be your "stand" . Your DH would be unreasonable to prevent this.

Ok. So
‘I want the dcs to carry on doing football’
’i absolutely agree with you. Remember I’m at my dance class though.’

‘I think we should spend weekends as a family’
‘that’s lovely, but I would like to continue spending a few hours with dd and my friends having coffee; I’m happy to do family stuff the rest of the time.’

‘can you get dds new school shorts whilst you’re there’
’im happy to pick them up, but tbh I can’t really afford it.’

Where did she say she hates them? I must have missed that bit...

You’re doing a great job with taking over their care. But yes, you do need to insist that it doesn’t all fall to you. Their grandparents will take them to football so you can go to your hobby. Non negotiable. And you can go out on the weekends with your friends and toddler when you want. Maybe one day for you (and also that gives DSC quality time with their dad) and one day altogether.

Regarding the holiday, if DH can’t go, take a friend or a parent. Don’t miss out altogether or be dragged into more caring for his children.

You're doing a huge thing here, and it’s okay to put reasonable boundaries in place.

@SweepingFrog I used to be just like you. No time for my own hobbies, always putting others first. Never saying no or asking for stuff. And yes, often getting bulldozed into doing things that are well beyond my capabilities in every sense. But somehow I made them work.

I paid a very high personal price: my health which actually made DH realise the overall strain on me.
I am still happily married to DH and things are more equal around the house and child care. Simply because physically I am unable to do it . He accepts that some of the energy/ time I have needs to be spent on things that I love doing.

Please don't end up like me, talk to your DH before disaster strikes.

I had some married friends who had three DC and they were a happy family. When the youngest was ready to start going to school, my friend Anabel was looking forward to going back to work as an interior architect, which was her passion. Her husband, Peter, was also an architect. One evening, Peter’s brother and SIL were hit by a drunk driver whilst returning home from a dinner party. They were killed instantly. They left two children of their own; the youngest was only six months old. Peter and Anabel were devastated and immediately welcomed the orphaned children into their home, who they eventually adopted. But Anabel, who had been just about to go back to work, decided that she would stay at home to care for her niece and nephew. I always admired her for her sacrifice but I also felt sorry for her. She never once complained, as far as I know, but she never went back to work. I guess this is one of the things about life; you never know what’s ahead and some of life’s surprises change you in unexpected and unimaginable ways.
OP, I understand your resentment but please don’t take it out on those poor children. They didn’t choose to be living with you full time and perhaps permanently. They must miss their own home, with their mum and their friends and everything familiar. They must sense your resentment and anger and be even more unhappy. Please try to put yourself in their position. Be good to them and you will hopefully be rewarded with a happier household.

Your husband needs to make some changes.

You definitely need to do your hobby. If SC can’t get to his practice then your husband needs to sort it. Whether he takes them or gets someone else to.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with once a week catch up with your toddlers. He can spend some 121 time with the elder kids.

Yes it must be awful for them but you can’t keep up with it all without burning out.

I would also take your email off. Why can’t your husband, their dad, be the one sorting it out?

Could you have a regular babysitter to help with the hobby night and one date a fortnight or something?. Your dh working in the NHS should know all about burn out and compassion fatigue. It's lovely what you are doing for the sc but you also need time for you as a couple to remain the strong happy foundation that they need. It's healthy for them to see you look after each other too as well as them.
Sone play or art therapy and therapeutic playful parenting approaches may help with their trauma of separation from their mum at the moment xx
Try if you can to have a really positive conversation with him about it...about how you don't want to loose sight of each other because that wouldn't be good for the SC as well as you both xx you can do this xx

How much solo parenting is he doing OP? Have you them full time during school holidays and then having 'family time' each weekend as well? Between that and school emails, it's clear he's moved you into the person that's responsible for the majority by default. Tragedy or no, that is not acceptable on those kids. They need a parent being the default parent. Those kids need more 1:1 time with him, without you now more than what they ever did.

All 3 are very lucky to have you.

Yes! OP’s post says they’re the only one free, but they’re literally not free – they’re busy doing their hobby.

OP, I think you need to undo some of this stuff quickly before it becomes permanent: absolutely no need for you to be on the school emails or giving up hobbies. DH needs to step up as parent instead of making you step up as parent. And the stepchildren are more likely to appreciate 1-2-1 time with their dad at weekends while you and the toddler go off for a coffee with your friends and other toddlers, than him trying to engineer a “whole family together” situation that leaves you all resentful.

It sounds like this all happened quite quickly and became a cascade of responses in the initial chaos. Now’s the time to take stock and make a proper plan, which includes him looking at changing work hours, working more flexibly, wraparound care, whatever it takes rather than “OP will do it”. Everyone needs to take a deep breath and think long-term.

Better get used to it because nothing will change.

Unless you call it a day and leave.

You say you find it hard to stand up for yourself but you are struggling mentally and financially, he isn’t putting them first though he’s just putting the load on you.
If you keep letting him get his own way then you may feel you have no choice other than leave, how is he going to manage their needs at work? It will be grandparents that would need to step in or he would need time off from work.
The DSC need him to step up, they need him! It’s not good for them to have you feeling resentment because your DH is treating you like a skivvy, it’s not good for them or you. They can feel and see you are not happy but it’s your DH fault not theirs.
I would tell him it’s not working for you, that you feel you have given up any time for yourself and you are struggling. That he needs to rethink expecting you to manage everyone’s needs except your own. That you will be booking a week off and taking your toddler to your mums for a rest asap and he will have to prioritise the DSC then.