So miserable full time step parenting

[SweepingFrog]

For reasons I won't go into my DSC are unable to see their mum at the moment. They are 10 & 12. We do not know how long this will be for (possibly indefinitely) and it's been around 3 months so far. They were previously with us 2 nights a week before this. Me and DH also share a 2yo.

I just need a selfish rant. I know this situation is not about me nor is it worst for me. But I am so miserable. I get no time to myself anymore, due to the situation DH is, understandably, overcompensating with DSC so EVERYTHING is about them at the moment.

I've been expected to slot into a role I never wanted, school runs, football club drop offs and pick ups, even having my email given over to receive school updates. I feel like my whole life revolves around DSC at the moment. Making sure they are ok, making sure they are distracted, making sure their routine stays as normal as possible... I can't do anything. Everything is about them. I can't go out on a weekend with friends and our toddlers anymore for a coffee because DH thinks it's more important we do family things because of what DSC are going through. I can barely do my own hobby one night a week that I look forward to so much because DSC need taking to football and I'm the only one free and DH thinks their routine should carry on, we had a holiday planned just us for a few months time and God knows whether it will happen now because DSC don't like staying at grandparents and DH doesn't want to make them do anything they don't want to do right now.

I KNOW he is just trying to be a good dad. I know I'm being selfish. But I am so so miserable at the moment. I can't stand it. I am resentful of every dirty sock I have to pick up off the floor, every school email, every time I can't get on with my own life because I'm expected to step in without complaint whenever needed / asked. All DH wants to talk about is the situation with DSC and their mum. I am so over discussing it. All whilst trying to deal with our own young child too.

DH does a lot when he can but he works longer hours than me so a lot is left to me. I just feel like crying every day at the moment. I used to think I'd just get on with it if DSC ever had to live with us but in reality I hate every second. I hate the expectations on me. I don't want to play mum to 2 other children full time. And of course I cannot talk to DH about this as it makes me sound hideous. So here I am... My whole life has changed but I feel as though I'm expected to feel nothing and say nothing about it.

I wouldn’t want this. But equally your Dh had two kids when you met him. He has to be responsible for those dc if their mum can’t be. What’s the alternative?

I totally get your resentment at having to do so much for kids that aren’t your own. It’s a slog when they are yours! But presumably he needs support. Are there any other family members on either side who could step in and offer lifts of childcare?

Huge sympathy to you from someone who has been there, having SC move in with no real say and no clarity on what will happen in the future. It is awful and soul-destroying. You need to sit down with your husband and remind him that you are not these children's mum. His routine cannot simply continue as usual while you have to accommodate his children's routine into your own. You are at a breaking point and he needs to see this. As their parent he should be absorbing the majority of the impact of this change — why is he continuing to work the same hours, why are you having to sacrifice a hobby and days out with your child? Yes these are children in a hugely difficult situation — yet it is not good for them if your relationship ends because of the resentment, work and pressure this emergency is causing. They need their dad as the primary carer, not a stepparent. Please advocate for yourself here and do not simply absorb everything because you feel you should do. You do not have parental responsibility for these children, he does.

Oh do fuck off. You have simply no idea.

@SweepingFrog this sounds awful.

See what happens with mum before deciding but I’d consider separation as it may be your new forever.

I’m not stupid enough to be in this position.

Also you fuck off. How rude and bizarre.

Two options:
One is to stay and put up with most of it but insist on some time for yourself and your interests and hobbies, and your own DCs activities
The other is to leave with your own DC and be a single parent, leaving DH to care for his DC and see your shared DC at weekends (or whatever you agree). Maybe if you tell him you are considering the second option as you cannot stand it any more, and do actually go away for a few days he will begin to see the situation more from your POV.....but the reality is that there isn't going to be a solution that suits everyone.

I expect how it goes with the hobby is that OP needs to leave at say 7 for 7.30 so the husband needs to be back by then having picked up his DC from the football on the way. OP is no doubt leaving the 2 year old ready for bed (to avoid a situation where the crap at planning ahead DH doesn't manage that till 9pm disrupting the next day...maybe even still awake when OP returns...destroying any wellbeing from rhe hobby).

The hobby might be something where you can't be late (my gym won't actually let you into a class if you're late) or a choir for instance where you have to walk into a rehearsal that's already started.

My DH who is disorganised but decent, took on an extra piece of work that was entirely optional and I missed about 6 weeks of choir. He said "but you could get there for 9" (it finishes at 9.30!)

I said if he wanted to keep doing the extra work he must book and pay for a babysitter 7pm to 8.30pm which he did, because he's not an arsehole, just overly optimistic about commute times.

If my DW was doing me an enormous favour for an indefinitely extended period of time I'd be bloody careful not to take her for granted.

For me, ai would be keeping in mind that this kindness and selflessness will come back to you one day. You are doing a great thing. I think it sounds incredibly hard and tohr DH needs to put more time in, but you are in this situation. You can either leave, or make the best of it.i think I would make the best of it and try and find the happiness and silver linings. Adulting throws us awful, sad, hard and unexpected times but also glimmers of love and humanity. Right now, you are these kids guardian angel.

That's lovely but people aren't necessarily grateful in these situations. She shouldn't do it for that reason. If she and DH split she'd likely never see them again.

why cant he do less hours or a different job-if he was single hed have to do it all like many single parents do

No she doesn’t.

She didn’t adopt them and when she married him she didn’t make a promise to be a Mother to his children. She married a man who has children… who have two parents.

Things have changed now but that doesn’t mean that OP has to be their Mother and her life should revolve around them. If she dies and her husband gets into another relationship I doubt she has any expectations of his new partner.

If I’m being totally honest I would personally leave as this isn’t what I signed up for.

Unfortunately you should have taken any scenarios into consideration before getting with him.Hats off to the guy tbh for taking them in full-time like a good dad should and trying to make life a little easier right now for them. I have 2 step children and our own and a couple of years back they lived with us for a year and yes it was tiring, yes it was more expensive, yes it was a life change even tho we had other kids but I wouldn't changed a thing they are loved like my own and I supported hubby all the way to make sure the kids got as balanced and normal life at the time as was possible

So many helpful comments here, I hope you feel better op. I think you should tell your dh you aren’t cooping particularly well with the way he’s doing it, you notice he isn’t taking time out with his older children just with their dad, finishing work earlier, etc. Tell him you will be resuming your hobby, you are going away for the weekend with your toddler and you also plan to get back to taking your toddler out to see friends while he steps up as a dad. You say you keep telling me this is such a huge change for them - you’re right. You should take Friday off for the next month and step up for them and come home earlier one day a week to do sport x, it’s a huge Change for them and you are their dad. This change will cost you in time and energy and you seem to think it should cost mainly me. You need to rethink here.

No sympathy? You sound ghastly

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support.

People have asked a few questions which I'll attempt to answer.

School emails! It's not just me on the mailing list. Previously it was their mum and DH. Now they are with us full time DH has added my email to it too so that we are "aware" of what's going on with them day to day. I often end up dropping them off or picking them up so he thought it was a good idea so I know what they need in the mornings etc.. obviously not an issue right this moment due to school hols but it's a lot.

DH works lates & sometimes nights which is why I end up taking DSC to football, it just so happens to fall on the evening I also do my hobby and my parents have our DC until I get home usually. But he thinks DSC shouldn't be expected to give it up right now when they are already going through a lot. And to be fair they do love going so I would feel guilty. But I hate that I can't do the one thing I have for myself. I do need to change this. He'll have to find another way to get DSC to their practice if he wants them to go.

DHs work... It's a tough one this. I also work but DH does bring in the vast majority. He often has to work longer hours / late / overnight (NHS) and it's hard for him to just drop things. He has tried to shift things round in the sense that he is not working any weekends at the moment to make sure he is here.

I feel so bad sometimes because realistically it's not a huge deal but I just feel like everything I do involves DSC in some way or another. For example today I need to nip out to get DC some new shoes and DH asked if I could look for some school trousers and shirts for DSC too because they'll need some before school starts. Then I feel awkward asking for the money back but at the same time I'm already spending an extra fortune on food and things. Obviously DH is paying more but my bills have also increased with DSC here.

They do have grandparents who would happily help with them but DSC aren't keen on staying with them. To be honest I think they are feeling a bit clingy with DH / our house right now which is understandable. DH won't force them to go if they don't want to so we never have a break.

I feel like a failure as a step parent because I just don't want them here all the time, I don't want to play parent to them. A previous poster said it is already a slog with your own and it's true, it's hard enough as it is and I have that bond with my own DC. It's just not there the same with DSC so it just feels like chores on top of chores with them. I feel like I'm just spending my entire week doing things for other people.

I am just praying to God that their mum is able to have them back. Clearly I am not very good at this.

But dh isn’t putting them first. He’s carrying on working as normal, and doing the fun stuff at weekends, whilst op is expected to do all
the grunt work, life admin, washing, cooking etc. He’s letting her shoulder the responsibility, whilst he’s being a Disney dad.

I should also add that I do have more time off than DH (work 3.5 days 9-3) so that I can look after DC. I love doing this and DH has always been happy for me to do this.

So I know it makes sense for me to do the majority. I just selfishly hate that instead of using this time to be there and enjoy my own DC, I'm now spending it looking after DSC too. I could just work more obviously to make myself unavailable but then I'm losing the time with our DC.

He needs to spend time with the older kids alone. A compromise needs to be reached, and given the age gap, even if they were all yours, you'd probably split up for weekends to keep it fun for everyone. Maybe alternate a weekend together and a weekend apart? And a weekend once a month where you get a day/few hours to yourself?

I'd give him 4 weeks to sort something for the football. If I want my daughter to have a hobby, I have to sort it with work etc. He needs to sort it for his kids, not just "wifey is only doing a hobby, she can cover it"

He needs to pick up after the kids, or get them to do it. The odd missed sock is fine but killing yourself trying to keep everything tidy while nobody else cares is horrible.

l had dss full time with us.

Dh did everything related to them. Schools, football, hobbies, everything. Occasionally l had to do something in an emergency. He had a job working from home to facilitate it. And this was in the early 2000’’ when no one worked from home. It wasn’t as highly paid as an in person job.

This is your DH’s problem that you are carrying.

Be kind and accommodating but you can only do what you can sustain for the long term.
Your DH needs to realistically accept the grandparents in the mix and for you to have some down time - alone and with your young one and as a couple.
If this becomes permanent, what you can sustainably bear is very relevant.
Accept advice from SS, accept foster carers as respite care if your DH is not in a position to parent as much as the kids need. He can not lose his job; neither can you.
All children benefit if you keep your relationship strong.

@SweepingFrog this may sound awful, but presume re upcoming holiday that dh already has agreed leave?
Depending on where it is, could you suggest dh takes it and goes with SC for 'quality time' or as he's off he can be at home with them and you and 2yo head off to family or something?
He can then take over the parenting for bit!

I've said to DH before he needs to just tell DSC they are going to see their grandparents. Even if they don't want to right now. Surely it's important to maintain relationships. They will be fine when they get there.

This is a lot of the problem right now. Because they are going through a rubbish time DHs answer is to just do and give whatever they want at the moment. Don't want to go to Grandma's even though it would make sense / help out / allow us to carry on with things oh of course you don't have to go, me and Frog will switch everything around so you never have to do anything you don't want to do.

Just tell them they have to go to Grandma's if they want to go to football because we aren't free for God sake. It's not a stranger!

He makes all these noises constantly about how important it is to prioritise DSC right now, how their routine needs to be maintained, how worried he is about them, how guilty he feels for them about what they are going through that it makes me feel as though I cannot say no.

I just want my life back. As I'm sure DSC do too.

School emails: With adding you to the emails from the school, he has pushed the mental load, the planning, responsibility for schooling on to you and off him. Tell him no. You get too many emails as it is and he needs to keep you informed if there are any changes etc.

The hobby: he needs to arrange a babysitter to facilitate their attendance as you have a clash. He allows DSC’s activities to take priority over your only hobby night without making other arrangements is selfish and will build resentment.

money: this is disgraceful. But you have a few options. Please dont do nothing. keep a record of all spending, including for your shared child, and ask for it to be transferred back at the end of each week. Have a joint account for the children’s expenses that you both contribute fairly and proportionally to.

Your time: while he wont insist on using available grandparents or other support, leaving you without breaks it shows a conplete disregard for your time.

His time; what has dramatically changed for him? .Makes some effort (no weekends) but hasn’t significantly restructured to take on more direct parenting himself. But also, what reaponsibilities / club commitments afe there at the weekend? Is this not easy time? Him having days in the week to do school runs / deal with homework / deal with the club would be better. Weekends are easy. They could even spend time with friends on sleepovers. Him taking weekends off just doesnt seem like the sacrifice it is being portrayed as.

Firstly reclaim your time with your friend at weekends and reclaim your hobby time. You must not compromise as these are the things which will ensure you manage. At the moment you’re sinking and you will be good for nothing if you implode.

All parents need balance, you urgently need to create some in your life

secondly your DH needs to spend lots of quality time alone with them as you already do so much for them.

Organise a cleaner to lighten the load and help manage

Use the grandparent care available on a regular weekly basis to ensure strong family links.

Take your child on the holiday alone if DH doesn’t want to leave the kids.