Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

As someone said, if he’s well behaved and usually a good boy, I’d try to find some way to fund it. You could loan half the money to his Dad and you could pay half. Do a good thing. These are the things children remember and your step son will greatly appreciate your generosity.

There was 4 expensive school trips in my dds school (and we live in a deprived area!) I said pick one each and saved for it. I couldn’t afford all of them.

id offer to loan it and he pay you back in instalments.
I wouldn’t be very happy about him using a tri p I took with my dd against me though. It could be because he’s feeling guilty he can’t fund it or it could be he feels entitled to use your money. I’d expect a sincere apology for pulling that crap.

This sums it up pretty well. I would pay and also speak to the school they have a fund for children who's parents can't afford school trips, this may be able to be subsidised in some way or a longer payment plan. (Usually)

I’d probably pay my DH’s half if it were me, but I wouldn’t pay his ex’s half. To ask you to pay her half is taking the absolute piss! I wouldn’t loan it to her either. You’re not married to her. Why should you sub her? Bluntly if one parent can’t afford it then it’s a no-goer. If your DH had the money to sub his ex then fair enough perhaps. But he doesn’t. I’m sorry I think it’s cheeky of him to ask you to pay her half.

Also £1500 for a school trip is ridiculous. Sometimes there are things the school can do for families that can’t afford it. Could mum apply for a reduction for her half and then pay towards it? (Sorry I haven’t RTFT and you might have answered that already).

I'm going again the grain here but I would pay for the trip. You might think that the trip is unnecessary but I remember hiw much my teenagers lived these school trips.
I know it is your money, but he is a part of your family and I would do it as it is a genuinely nice thing to do and shows that whilst you can treat your own child, you can treat him as well.
You could ask your DH to pay you back when he is able.
I think it is easy to say no...but so much kinder to say yes.

£1500 is a lot of money to spend on a school trip. If both parents can’t afford it then that’s life unfortunately… I never understand why schools arrange these types of trips because it puts pressure on parents.

Your DSS is 15 years old now so he probably is mature enough to understand that both his parents cannot afford to spend money on non essential things.

Not unreasonable. You have separate finances for a reason I presume? DSS has two parents and if they can't afford it then no reason you should have to, just because you've been fortunate enough to get a small inheritance.

You could offer to loan it on provision it's paid back. Would DH have paid the whole amount himself (work allowing) if his ex couldn't contribute? At most I'd chip in a couple of hundred but no more.

Another thing to consider is, should your DH get a generous inheritance in the future, will you be happy if he chooses to share none of it with you ?

Unfortunately this depends on the school. Some state schools have very wealthy parents. In my dc's school some pupils were incredulous that money would be a factor in deciding whether to go on an Iceland (country not shop) trip. There are some children out there with little sense of money and parents with very deep pockets. OP will probably have some awareness of whether this is likely to be a factor for her DSS. It may be that 'all his friends are going'.

If it is such a school then definitely get in touch to discuss payment options. There may be funds available to subsidise, especially if his mum is on benefits.

I think the Lapland thing is a red herring. It is something that was already decided before the school trip arose. In fact because that money is already allocated it means OP actually has less money available. It also depends whether the DSS had similar holidays at that age. They are not really comparable.

Having said that, I would consider a loan. I would be clear with DSS and DH what needs to be done to repay the loan. DS could for example take on babysitting his sister. He can do chores and also maybe get a job, although that can be challenging when under 16. He can also sacrifice birthday presents at your house. DH needs to commit to repaying the whole loan, minus any contributions from ds.

I will flag now that discussions should also be had if university is a possibility. If he lives mainly at his mums then he will possibly get a full loan, but they consider step parents money as part of the household income. Even if you keep your money apart, if he puts your dh down as his main residence then they will assess his loan on the basis of your joint income. They don't take into account and private arrangements. Additionally for some universities the cost of accommodation exceeds even the full maintenance loan. Have discussions early with dh who should have discussions with dss so dh is fully aware that you are not digging in your pocket for university costs.

You have separate finances so it is a no as a starting point.

However it could depend on the trip. If it is a fun trip then still a no. If it is a trip strongly linked to his interests and possible degree subject, then that might be cause to reconsider.

YANBU.

His parents cant afford it, so he cant go.

Also, your husband is a twat for guilt tripping you op.

Not a chance would I pay, sorry that is down to his Parents to save for.

I wouldn't pay £1500 for a school trip for my own kid/s. In your family's circumstances? Absolutely not. Your DH was redundant, took a pay cut to get back into work and doesn't have much disposable cash. That's a time for tightening up on budgeting all round, not splashing over 10% of an inheritance on a school trip. Also, it's your money. Definitely save most of it in the current situation.

YANBU. Only a small number of children go on school trips abroad so DSS will not be the only one not going. It's not like a day trip to the zoo which are all class affairs. £1500 is a big chunk of a £10k inheritance and is a lot to spend on one person when you look at some of the holiday deals available. Don't be blackmailed into it just because you are taking DD on a trip.

Not sure this is a matter of "reasonable" or "unreasonable", it's more a matter of whether you think kindness and charity are warranted in this instance, which will depend to some extent on what kind of relationship you have (and want to maintain) with your stepson and husband.

Using the criterion "I'm not his parent, that's their responsibility" is arguably reasonable, but it nonetheless has consequences for the quality of the relationship, as he then can't reasonably be expected to regard you as a parental figure, but just as his father's partner, who has temporary power over his life in some ways.

Perhaps it's a fairly cool and distant relationship anyway, and you're happy with that, so it won't matter that your decision will help keep it that way.

Nope I wouldn't. It's your money, and it's unreasonable of him to ask.

No, yanbu. Both my kids have had these kind of trips come through and even though they want to go, at the moment, that amount of money is more than we are spending on a family holiday.

I have told them they can't go and they have accepted that.

Yes, we could use some of our savings but at the moment,I dont know how we could religiously afford to pay it back and I like having the savings as an emergency buffer (small amount of about £8k)

The trip is not essential or compulsory, we are going away as a family so they need to accept we can't afford it.

If you husband and his ex really want your stepson to go on the trip, then they need to discuss instalments with the school (they usually offer that option) and work between them what each of them pays.

Yanbu. The trip to Lapland has nothing to do with it. This is your money to spend as you like. And you are taking dh's child on the trip -his daughter.

DS can go if his parents can pay for it; he can't go if they can't. Just like every other child at school.

I would be angry that dh brought this up, as it causes a rift between you two and creates feelings of entitlement (ds and dh) and guilt (you).

I think you and dh need to have a conversation to refresh the boundaries and expectations about finances.

And if my Grandmother had wheels she would've been a bike.

Utterly ridiculous comparison.
And no it's very unlikely DH could've afforded it as a single person supporting a household. He's lost a significant amount of money.
His mother can't afford it.

So the OP, an unrelated adult isn't in the equation.

Tbh I’m quite surprised people haven’t questioned your split finances in a marriage that’s usually something jumps on lol.
Regardless of whether you and SS have a close relationship or just a dad’s wife relationship I wouldn’t pay. Both my DDs got offered a school trip of this cost and I said no to both. It’s a ridiculous amount for a trip

If you shared money, yes. But you don't, so why would you pay for their child?

Being nice and spending £1500 (which it won’t be just that because they’ll be spending money to take and may need new clothes etc for it) are two different things

I think even if the money was shared, I would still be reluctant to pay such a lot of money for one member of the family to have a holiday...as I said in my previous post, £1500 is more than we allocate for a family holiday at the moment, so no metter how much they wanted to go, it would be a no as its just so much money.

Unfortunately, kids cant have every opportunity that is presented to them.

Love to know how many jobs you think a 15 year old could apply for..

Because hardly anywhere will take on a child for work as it's a pain for insurance and safeguarding etc.

I'm sure of the situation was her child she'd be on here complaining. It's always the same with these Step-parent threads. I've only seen one where the OP was actually a good Step parent. Let's see what happens when DH moves onto wife Number 3 and has a child with her.

Bloody hell I hope you warmed up before that reach. Give yourself an injury.

Is that enough whataboutery now? Have we filled our quota?

Bottom line, DSS parents can't afford it. Therefore, he can't go.
That kind of how financial thi is go.

I want to spend my 6 weeks off sunning it up in Mexico.....not going to happen.