Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

If his dad hadnt lost his job would he have paid for it without question?

You are definitely not under any obligation to, however I probably would to be honest. I went on a school trip around that age and loved it so it's something im keen to try and allow for my kids if i can.

But given you and your husband already have a separate finances agreement, I would make it clear it's a loan. Even if it's a couple of years down the line, I'd just make it clear I expect the money back and it's not a gift from you.

YABU, I don't understand married people or people with children who keep their finances separate.

I have 3 kids and I've never sent them on expensive school trips

I think it's awful that schools are allowed to put on these extortionate trips. All it does is favour the privileged ones and stress out/guilt those who can't afford it.

So what's his is his and what's yours is his also?

Cheeky sod.

I didn’t vote because I don’t know the answer.

I don’t think you’re wrong but I don’t think your DH is either.

I don’t think your trip to Lapland with your joint DD is relevant because your husband isn’t going and isn’t paying for it. But not sure whether your stepson will see it that way/ understand that. So it could create friction with your relationship with DSS and your husband’s relationship with his DS.

I also get where you’re coming from that children don’t get to do everything they want. This can be a good lesson in life but could take DSS quite a few years to understand it!

Questions…

Before your husband lost his job, would he have paid for/been able to pay for the trip? Just thinking he may have promised his son and then lost his job, so it might be difficult for him to change his mind as it will appear to his son that his father’s and half sibling’s lifestyle hasn’t changed (because of your good salary & inheritance). If so, I would be very understanding of what your DH has asked. Though, this doesn’t mean he should pressure you or you should pay.

Even if he can’t pay you back in the next year or whatever, do you think he actually will when/if he has the means? Obviously not saying you should give the money willy nilly, but if you know he’s working hard to improve his income etc and is generally a reliable, trustworthy person then you should definitely take that into account in his favour.

What if the situation was reversed? And you were the one that had lost your job and you couldn’t pay for the trip for your child (that isn’t your husband’s child). But he had the money, would you ask him to? I don’t think I would, but if the relationship was good and money was okay, then maybe?

So ultimately, I don’t think it’s wrong that he’s asked you. I also don’t think it’s wrong for you to say no.

Yanbu. Expensive school trips for a 15yo should never be just handed over even if their parents have the money - what as DSS doing to try to earn £1500? A 15yo son of one of my neighbours earns £60pw by going into a local cafe and peeling spuds after school 3 evenings a week - £1500 is 6 months work at that rate but I'd be happy to give a 15yo an advance on their future wages if they wanted to spend it on a trip like that.

Are there particular reasons why you don't want to be nice to your stepson? I mean obviously there's no obligation to be...but why not?

I would give him half on the basis of your 50/50 custody split and on the basis you’ve treated your DD to Lapland. His mum has to find the other 50% or he has to get some sort of job. DH can pay you back anything above the cost of DD Lapland trip.

I would pay it. With DH paying it back steadily. Or I’d just pay it if I could. I don’t think £1500 is a huge amount in the grand scheme of things. And you are a family - even if it is a blended one. He is a big part of your life and this is something he wants to do.
Money comes back around, but a trip abroad with your friends age 15… that’s going to be a core memory.
Funding it (even if a loan) might even make your relationship with him stronger.

Why don’t you say you will cover half but DH needs to pay you back next year and you expect DSS to try to get some sponsorship or do some work (washing cars for example) to get some money together too

can you not resolve it together as a family?

If it was your DD’s trip would you pay?

you chose to be a step mum and take on another child, it’s an equal decision to choosing to have a child and be a parent.

They chose to have separate finances. She hasn’t chosen to take on costs for her stepson that his mum and dad can’t afford.

I think you could have said no if you hadn’t booked the trip to lapland. However it makes you look a bit selfish imo to take your dd away on an expensive trip but refuse to pay for ss trip!

And what should DSS mother do to try get the funds together?
Should she not be trying to resolve it too?!

I'd offer to pay a third. It puts the onus back on his parents to stump up some cash too. That way you aren't the bad guy.

I think it depends on what it is £1500 to me sounds like a ski trip... they'll then be ski gear to pay for etc. That would be a no. And not "all his friends are going' as there will only be limited places!

My DD also 15 did a language trip in yr10 which was about £800 and made much more sense with what she's studying. That I might be more supportive of...

But you certainly shouldn't be compelled into spending your money that noone is going to replace on 'dad guilt' as that is what this is if mum has said an outright no.

YANBU this is up to his parents to sort out. DH needs to sit DS down and explain he can't afford it this time due to recently being unemployed.

DSS and his parents needs to find a way to raise the likely if they want him to go

car wash, selling old items etc - everyone is struggling financially so he won’t be the only student so may be worth speaking to the school to?

can they encourage the kids to self fund rai/3 for their trips?

Is DD your joint child?

Then it can be explained to him.
DDs parent can afford to do this.
Yours can't.

At 15 he is more than old enough to understand the basics of finance.

It's her money.....are you going to pay for him?
Bit selfish not to.

she is also his stepmother, though maybe that's not a bond that means very much!
nothing wrong with the Lapland trip, just hypocritical to view one as excessive and the other as not.

'Blended families'?

Not so much.

There is nothing like a family here.

Can't you lend it to your dp?