Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

I don't know what the stats are these days but in my school, there would be about 20 kids going on a big trip out of about 250 in each year. So it's not like the boy is going to stick out. Just a thought.

I think if my husband "gently" brought up the fact that I was spending a small amount of my inheritance (presumably arising from the death of your relative ) on my own child rather than paying for his son to go solo on an expensive trip neither he nor his ex-wife could afford, I'd not be so gently telling him I was reconsidering the marriage. As people point out, there's no way anybody would expect his ex-wife to fund a trip for your child (if she had the funds and you didn't). You made it plain at the beginning that you wanted separate finances for the precise reason you didn't want to fund his child. If he had a problem with that he should have raised it then. Don't put the remainder in a joint account. Keep it separate.

@Discombobble , it's not quite the same relationship.
DSS's mother is not looking after DD at any time.

@BeanQuisine , OP's DH has spent some time without a job due to redundancy and is on a lower wage than he used to be.
If OP lost her job, any savings would be needed for things like rent/mortgage and bills.

So 20/250 go on extravagant trips catered for by the school?

That percentage is tiny and they really shouldn't be doing them then IMO.

No, "there's no way anybody would expect his ex-wife to fund a trip for your child" because his ex-wife is no longer in a relationship with him, and has no responsibilities at all for his new wife's child, and presumably no contact with her either.

Quite different situation for the OP who is his son's stepmother. What her responsibilities are may be a matter of negotiation, but I hope she doesn't follow the callous advice of some of the posters here - "Not your kid, not your problem. End of story."

Imagine her telling the stepson: "Sorry champ, you're not my kid and not my problem. End of story."

Rather than being a matter of negotiation, it sounds very well established that OP and her husband keep separate finances, and that her stepson is not her financial responsibility.

Why would OP need to tell her stepson? His father is perfectly capable of telling him that neither he nor his mother can afford the trip.

I agree, loan the money to your husband

Can't he do jobs for you to earn the money?
I'm a Step Gran and would and do whole heartly love treating my Step Grandkids as much as my own.
I've just been away with my Daughter and Grandchild. Will be treating my Step Grandkids later to a trip away.
I honestly think you're bring mean.. most of the kids friends will be going.

"Very well established" yes, by negotiation at the outset.

And the advice from the more cynical posters here wouldn't sound any better coming from his father: "Sorry champ, but as far as your stepmother is concerned, you're not her kid and not her problem. End of story."

Negotiations in the past tense. Not sure why he’d suddenly expect her to assume the responsibility now.

You’re assuming that his stepmother paying for him would be something he expected. Anyway, I’m not seeing the problem with “it’s the responsibility of your mum and I to pay for these things, and unfortunately neither of us can afford this trip”.

I suppose so, it was just how it was in the late 1970s/ early 1980s. There would be day trips that most parents could afford, then cheaper local trips (maybe 2 or 3 hours' drive away on a coach) that some could afford, then things like France, Bulgaria, Germany and so on. It was accepted as a thing that happened for some kids, like music festivals where some kids sang 'against' other schools, or sport where the best footballers played against other schools. Not everyone expected all of the things.

@BeanQuisine Let's say the positions were reversed and the stepson had inherited the money and his half sister needed the money for a voluntary and very expensive school trip. Would people think he should hand over the money because on your rationale the half siblings are in a continuing relationship?

Why on earth would OP's DH say this? Surely he would just say that he and his mum can't afford this trip.

I doubt that OP's step-son has been informed about her recent inheritance as it would be none of his business.

If OP had an inheritance of at least £50,000, I would probably agree that she could pay for this trip. However, her inheritance is small and the cost of the trip would be 15% of her inheritance. She and her DH have separate finances and her DH hasn't asked to borrow the money, he is expecting her to fully fund the trip herself and is trying to guilt trip her.

No they won't.

@thepariscrimefiles , Why on earth would OP's DH say this? Surely he would just say that he and his mum can't afford this trip.
Because on MN, the stepmother must treat a step-chid like the prodigal son, even if it means her own children go without.

Step-kid wants to go on an expensive school trip and the actual parents can't afford it, then the step-mother is expected to pay, even though her money is the only rainy day buffer the family has.

If DSS's own parents cant afford to pay, regardless of their circumstances, why the fuck should you pay OP?

Matters not that you have a rainy day fund - he aint your kid and you arent responsible for him.

Fuck the trip, fuck DSS mums BS poverty pleas and to anyone else that says you should pony up.

He's been in her life for 11 years, living as part of her family for much of that I think? I dont think she has to but I don't think it is an outrageous idea. My husband did it for my kids and they were teenagers when he met them. We became a family and he earned far more than I did.

Just to add the deal in our family was if I was paying or DH was paying, if it was his step children or the children we had together, the children had to contribute so if old enough for part time job they worked and paid half or if younger they put their birthday money and Christmas money towards it. One of mine didn't want to go enough to put his money towards it so he didn't get the expensive skiing trip and his siblings all did.

No because he's a child, his parents and step parent are all adults.

Why are you accusing the mum of “BS poverty pleas”?

Nowhere does it read like she has asked OP to pay. The OP’s husband did, yet you have little to say about his BS poverty plea?

OP has said she believes the mum would pay if she could.

Read my post again.

I said if neither of the DSS's parents cant afford to pay - its literally there in the first sentence 🤦‍♂️

If neither of the parents can pay, its pretty obvious poverty or cash limitations of some sorts exist for the parents of DSS. Doesnt need to be spelt out because you cant understand what I wrote.

SMH.

So where’s the bullshit from DSS mum, if obviously the cash limitations exist?

Suggest you ask her yourself. I have no skin in the game.

JFC 🤦‍♂️

No skin and no clue, yet accusing the DSS mum of BS. Got it 👌

I would pay for this. Presumably you love this child similarly to your own, and would hope if your daughter is one day in his position, a step parent would show her the same love and kindness.

@hoppu , OP's daughter doesn't have a step-parent.
OP's inheritance is a fairly small amount, considering that the father was out of work for some time, and £1500 is a hefty chunk of it.
What if the SS wants a similar holiday next year, then driving lessons the year after?