Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

This.

YANBU to say no. You are under no obligation to pay for this and entirely within your rights to refuse.

Personally, if I had a good relationship with him and he was a good kid I would pay for the trip if I was able to. I caveat this with I’m fortunate enough to be able to piss £1500 up the wall on a school trip without worrying about it. So that might skew my opinion. I know my step mum (who met my dad when I was 4, I’m now 34) would also pay without even having to be asked and even now is very generous (I don’t ask for anything but for example recently insisted on buying a pram as a gift after having my second DD that cost more than £1500). But we are extremely close so 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Absolutely not. Do you have any other savings only in your name? If not, continue to keep it separate. I personally would keep it as an escape fund, but I’ve grown cynical in my old age.

His Mum has been honest with him and told her DS she can't afford it. Your DH needs to be honest with his DS too. I expect you've had to subsadise DH whilst he lost his job and is now learning less. You taking your DD on a little trip is nothing to do with DSS. I think if you have separate finances your DH has some cheeky asking you for money , not for something your DSS needs but wants. Say no, you can't afford it. Your inheritance is your security. What if you were to lose your job at some point?

Sounds like your other half has just taken a paycut - so presumably prior to this Stepson has had family holidays and trips funded through his life before this point? Your daughter is 6 - not everything has to be equal - you are allowed to take her away on an age specific trip without having to match like for like for your other older child. If this were the case your daughter would be owed whatever the surplus was between the trips (spent on her, not yourself) which Dad should be covering half of if you have separate finances. If he gets a 1500 trip and her portion of the Lapland trip is only 500 then if we're keeping everything equal to avoid any tantrums then she's owed another 1000. Has Dad factored this in?

If you as a family are now earning significantly less than you were before and his mother is unable to pay half I would be saying no purely based on keeping that 10k as an emergency fund. Did stepsons mother know you'd inherited money before she said no? Or is it a case that it's acceptable for her to say no, and Dad to say no, but you're not allowed to say no? This is a dangerous precedent if so.

I said no to all the school trips over £400. Just eye watering amounts for a short trip for one person.

But in this case I’d agree a third.

DSS to get a job and save 1/3 for the trip. This is non negotiable. His going on this trip depends on him working towards this and not expecting a substantial hand out.

His mother (other parental household) should raise 1/3rd

and you can put in 1/3rd. If it’s a contentious issue then your husband can pay you back later when he’s able.

this was it’s more manageable chunks of money. £500 each.

You shouldn’t be paying this in its entirety because they see your inheritance as a pot to dip into. If it’s causing issues, take the £500 out and put the rest in a fixed two year bond.

Although if his Dad didn't have DD he probably could afford it. These threads are so sad to read, the children of the first marriage always come off second best, if they factor at all

I assume that while DH was unemployed (and probably now) you are contributing a lot extra for meals, bills, rent, etc. I think your DH is a CF to attempt to guilt trip you by comparing your trip with DD to his son’s trip. Not cool. Circuses & Monkeys, etc. not yours.

Although if his Dad didn't have DD he probably could afford it.

And if I didn't have my second and third child, my eldest would have lived like a prince. So???

I would find it hard to spend 1500 of my 10k inheritance on my own child's school trip. That is a huge sum and to me a big proportion of the inheritance. I'd want to save it.

The reality is your step son has two parents neither of whom can afford this trip - like countless other parents all over the UK. You have received a small inheritance and you want to mostly save it. That seems really reasonable to me.

These expensive school trips for young teenagers are nonsense. There is no way I would finance one.

I’d ask DH if he could afford a repayment plan if it was a loan or not over 18mths/2yrs. If he could then I’d loan it on that basis as you wouldn’t be out of pocket at the end of the day, if he couldn’t then I wouldn’t.

Is DD your DHs child?

YANBU. As a child, my parents sent me on the cheaper residential trips but they couldn’t afford the more expensive ones. I absolutely understood and had zero expectations of going.

You have separate finances, the child has two parents.

In your situation, I wouldn’t told DH of the inheritance.

£1500 is a completely ridiculous sum for a school trip and of course you shouldn’t fund it.

I would either offer half the amount as a DSS is still family or offer to loan my DH the amount but not expect to be paid back for a year or two.

I feel for your DSS here, and I 10000% disagree with schools offering these types of trips where there will be a clear divide between children who are lucky enough to have parents that can afford it and those that aren't.

It's likely if a few of his mates are going he will feel like 'everyone' is going even if they aren't.

I would feel really bad, but I would only pay if it was clear the money was a loan and I would be paid back in a reasonable time frame. It seems like here that's not going to be the case, so I wouldn't fund it.

I would probably treat DSS to some sort of different (less expensive) treat though because it's shit to be in the group that can't afford these school trips.

My initial reaction is no, it’s your money to spend as you please. which is true. And fair play if you stick to that.

But I also reflected on the following:

• what’s your relationship with DSS like? Is he helpful round the house & do you see him as part of your blended family?
• inheritance is something not earned but gifted, can you get some joy out of paying forward the gift?
• can you loan it to DH, knowing you might not get it back for a while, but will eventually.

I think ultimately it’s up to you, and his blood parents can’t afford it so you’re not to blame if he can’t attend. But, if you see him as part of your blended family, it might be nice to treat him to something he’ll enjoy. But with that, also consider how that might make DSS DM feel too. What’s your relationship with her like? Could this act of kindness rock the boat there and leave you regretting ever trying to do something nice?

Could you loan it and have it paid back?

Agree with others that the only way this is reasonable is if it’s strictly a loan to dh and he HAS to pay it back, ideally within the year. Or otherwise dss has to agree with his dad no presents or something till it’s paid off, or it’s his birthday /xmas presents for x years. It’s not unreasonable as 1500 is a lot and learning the value of money as a teen is not a bad thing.
some parents make their kids take weekend jobs to pay for this sort of thing..

When I was in the Ed Biz as a language teacher, I took trips all over the place. The expectation was that the kids should fund at least half of the cost from after school/weekend jobs. Not at all ureasonable.

You're married (presumably?) so I don't understand the "separate finances" argument.
The whole point of marriage is it joins your finances together. That is literally a key feature of the marriage contract.
If that's what you wanted you shouldn't have got married. There's no sense to the idea that one person in a marriage can afford something but the other can't.
Also are you both paying for everything in the marriage 50/50? If I was your DH I'd be a bit put out of I paid more towards the household in these circumstances.

this

I’m a bit on the fence with this as you can genuinely see why DH can’t afford it
no idea on mother’s circumstances

depends if you see him as your family or nothing to do with you and just DH’s son

id be temp to pay 1/2 and get DH and mum to pay you back the rest

Very few places hire anyone under 17/18

That is a ridiculous amount of money for a school trip. Can't believe the school would ever arrange something like this!

I don't think it's fair your partner asked you to fund it.