Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

LOL! Your husband is having a laugh! Not your kid, not your problem. If neither your husband or the child's mother can afford for the kid to go on this trip, he just doesn't go. Simple as that. It is a shame, but it's a good time for him to learn that if you want something expensive, you don't always get it. Especially if you're not paying for it yourself.

Also, don't lend your husband the money. You'll never get it back.

No. His parents can’t afford it. It would be over 10% of your inheritance.

I would find this a really difficult situation but I'm focused on two facts. Firstly, you have separate finances so your dh is effectively saying that you have separate finances until he wants your money at which point it's family money then once he's taken your money you're back to separate finances, at least until the next time. It does feel as though your money is burning a hole in his pocket. Secondly, while he could ask for a loan, he's actually not done so, he just wants the money! I wouldn't pay. Now he's working again he can use his credit card or apply to the bank for a loan. Then there's the not insignificant fact that there aren't many parents who can afford £1.5k for a holiday for just one of their children.

If you start by giving him £1500, there's going to be something else in a few months...

Just say no. Or spend it all now.

@FrozenAgain67 I don't think it's your responsibility to fund your DSS's trip. I will bet that the cost is more than yours and your DD's Lapland trip, so it's not comparable. 10K is not that big of an inheritance, and it seems like it is trickling away quickly. You need to save the majority for an emergency, because they do happen and usually when you aren't prepared.

You have separate finances and just because you came into a little money, your DH wants to change the goalposts. Let him get a loan to pay for it. If you "lend" DH and his ex the money, do you really think the ex would pay it back? Why would she?

It won’t stop at £1,500 though will it? There’ll be spending money, new clothes etc.
i am all for giving youngsters every opportunity in life but this always comes at a cost. Why can’t his mother pay part of the cost, his dad pay some and you lend them the balance from your inheritance? The child could also be encouraged to earn some money for themself…….car cleaning, odd jobs, paper round, garage sale, cake sale…….there is always a way to earn a few quid and it would give the DSS a sense of purpose and personals values.

Don't forget it's not just the trip. He will need a passport if he hasn't got one, pocket money and probably a few new bits off clothes which all add up.

You have separate finances and he has two parents who can pay for it- realistically it’s £750 each for both parents- surely they can pay that?

£1500 is a lot and a significant percentage out of £10k.....whether he's your step son or biological son is irrelevant. If I had 10k in the bank I wouldn't spend £1500 on a school trip for my own DC.

I’d offer to match fund DSS’s trip.
He raises half the money and you’ll contribute the other half.
15 year olds can mow lawns, wash cars, work in cafes etc

Nice you have a spare £750, not everyone does. I don't know that I could £750 a year.

So a stepmother is an "unrelated adult" now?

I'm sure that with the current financial situation and cost of living crisis, there will be more children whose parents can't afford to pay for this holiday than parents who can. In the current climate, it's ridiculous for schools to offer these opportunities that only a small number of families will be able to afford. It's divisive and unfair.

OP certainly shouldn't sacrifice 15% of her inheritance if they have agreed that they don't have joint finances. I'm sure that this suited her DH when he was a higher earner so he can't now put pressure on OP to pay for his son's holiday. It's not as though he and DSS's mum have offered to pay a proportion of the costs. They expect OP to fund it all which isn't reasonable.

YANBU to not want to shell out all of that money, but I assume you have some sort off affection and relationship with this child so if you are treating your own daughter (regardless of whether that’s from personal work money or from the inheritance), it seems rather unkind to not treat you DSS a little too?

In your shoes, I’d offer to pay £500 towards it, and loan DH the £1000 on the basis he (and/or mum) repays it now he is working.

Loan which the parents need to pay you back! Don’t in front of a lawyer at their expense!

No I would not pay for a school trip… my parents never paid for my school trip.

Yes I work very hard to provide for my child as a single parent and if I had too I would take on a 2nd job to be able to pay for the trip. Usually on this type of trip schools give a lot of notice and I would go without in other ways if I had too so my child doesn’t miss out, one thing I can’t stand is the ‘it must be nice’ attitude…mine has came with a lot of hard work and sacrifice, budgeting!

He has two parents, neither of which is you. They are responsible for funding the trip. If his DM can’t afford her half then that’s the end of it surely, because even if you’d be willing to cover your DH’s share they can’t expect you to pick up hers as well.

I would loan the money to DH

I’d say I’d pay half, dh and his child’s mother would pay the other half.

However normally with those trips the children have to raise the ones themselves, through fundraising etc.

Do you know how much your DH has left of his own savings/redundancy pot?

£10k isn't a big enough inheritance that you can just give away £1.5k without it being a noticeable depletion. I think I might agree to gift an amount (£250-£500) and loan the rest, but only if DH definitely doesn't have the money. If he's wanting to keep his own savings and use yours then that would be a no, particularly given he is back earning again.

If that’s the way you and your DH deal with your savings (though it seems odd to me), could you pay on condition that your DH pays you back as soon as he can?

1500 quid for 1 child to go on a trip is utterly bonkers in my view. It’s not a right that he goes, if mum and dad can’t afford it then that’s that

Usually these school trips have monthly payments and don't ask for it all in one go. I would pay - I couldn't see a child miss out - but I would expect the parents to repay me over time

Is she allowed to make any decison regarding step son?
Is she allowed medical, educational, developmental, discipline?

No, people wouldn't say as a step parent she gets a say.
Because that's not within her remit.
Just like funding his Jolly's isn't either.

I'd pay but with stipulation that your dh pays you at least 60% - 75% back .

Surely as he stays with you at least 3 nights you have formed a bond with him and would want him to enjoy and experience different things in life .
As his father it's ok for him to payback the lions share , but I'd want ( as his sm ) to contribute as well .