Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

Does DH have any savings OP?

YABU for marrying a man with a child, then being surprised when he starts planning how he will be spending your inheritance on that child, because he and XW can’t afford DSS’s luxuries.

I can see a few people have asked what I'd do if it were DD. If I'm totally honest I don't know, it would depend how financially free we were at the time. If I had that kind of money lay around (and I wasn't particularly bothered about saving it) then I can't say I would 100% say no. But obviously I'm DDs mother so a little different. I'm sure DSS's mum would also say yes if she had the money.

DSS's mum is a no go. She has already said no to funding it, she doesn't have the spare cash right now. It would be pointless saying we'll pay half and she can pay the other half, she doesn't have it, she's already stressed this enough and I'm not going to put more pressure on her or make her into the bad guy, I dont feel thats fair when she's already said no.

Good on her. It's your DH that shouldn't be asking this of you. I can't help but feel if this is a teen who has been used to dad buying him everything he wants, you paying for this trip will just be expected-he might even thank his dad!

Will it then be expected that you pay for driving lessons, a car, insurance and then what next...a post gcse holiday to Magaluf, monthly money for university, a deposit for a house?! Don't let him bleed you dry.

I would - school trips are usually paid by instalments for this reason, so pay it and get your OH to pay you back.
It doe seem you seem mean

So why is it fine for his mother to say no and not you?

That's the question I guess!!

If DSS parents can't afford for him to go then unfortunately he shouldn't go. Although my position would soften OP if you told me DSS is working hard with a part time job, chores etc to try and earn some of the money for trip.

If not then he shouldn't go. It's a good life lesson and should inspire DSS to work hard in school so he can earn a good wage and afford perks like holidays.

Also where is this trip exactly? £1,500 is quite expensive as no doubt the students will be crammed into some crummy accommodation as opposed to a decent 3/4 star hotel.

So if DH "gently" points out the Lapland trip again (which is for your joint child and you are not asking him to pay anything towards it) then you "gently" point out that you are paying for most of this holiday for everyone.

I have thought about this and I would be quite cross with dh, he has made no attempt to fund this himself or to set up a payment plan. The mother has said a flat no, so there is now pressure on you. It is not fair. The inheritance is for you - not to be shared about by them.

It is actually a red flag tbh. Given you don’t share finances.

And do not feel bad about the Lapland holiday. This is what the money was intended for. A trip of a lifetime and some savings for a rainy day.

The child has two parents who provide for him. You don't need to use your money to provide for their child, especially given it's a treat type expenditure and not an essential life saving reason. Parents can borrow/ take a loan if they think this treat is essential for their kid.

Thin end of the wedge. Don't do it.

Aww I couldn't do this. He lives in your home for half his time, you're paying for his half sister to go on an amazing trip, you have the money...
Your husband has said he will pay you back, which you said it will take a while but you are saving the money.
What's the problem? Unnecessarily unkind. You're his stepmum!

If it was life saving cancer treatment I would have a different view…

This.

Usually, I am all in favour of parents’ being solely responsible for their own dc.

But, at 15, the chance to go on a great trip with your mates is really, really special.

@FrozenAgain67I think you should loan the money to DH and he pays it back (even at £50 per month). I also think that your DSS should be told that you have done so. Plus, DSS needs to save Xmas, birthday and pocket money for his spends/ equipment/ new clothes etc.

Stashing the savings and treating your DD to Lapland when you could loan the money to DH is just mean.

Ridiculous. School trips are an excuse for staff to get a cheeky holiday at parents expense. There's no freedom on school trips anyway. You just get sherparded from one overcrowded tourist hotspot to another. The only reason it's remotely bearable is the banter you have with your pals, which you get most days anyway!

Most of dc I know did a go fund me page and earn the money themselves. You could give a generous donation to start him off, he is 15 and has a long summer ahead of him, this would be a good start for him to learn the value of money and the pride of funding it himself.

Tell DSS if he raises half you will help by paying him to do jobs....
Honest he won't even try ... so you win.

Not unreasonable at all, OP. He has two parents. If they can't find £1500 between them then DSS doesn't go. Lots of other children won't go, either. Maybe their parents can't afford it or maybe they think it's poor value for money. I think a lot of teachers who've been involved in these kind of trips will think the latter.

At 15 you're also capable of taking ownership of any holidays or trips you wish to go on. I'd be curious to learn what 15 DSS is doing to secure funding for the trip other than beg his dad?

He could be offering to wash the cars, babysit for sister so OP/DH can have a date night, get a part time job. Even if he only earned £200 from this it's showing a willingness that would increase chances of OP contributing (which sounds like his best shot). But I don't read anything from OP that suggests he's taking responsibility here.

YANBU

My children never went on these trips because we couldn't afford it as a family. Most of the kids at your DSS's school will not go for the same reason. It's normal to not go on them. Your DSS will be fine if he doesn't go.

No, I wouldn't be putting anything towards it. His own parents are unable to afford it so its a flat No.

What you pay for towards your shared DD doesn't even come into it.

You are already funding his holiday with you with is really kind of you.

Three options:

No. It’s a lot of money, his parents can’t afford it. He can’t go.

You loan DH £1500 with an agreement of how he will pay you back (I would only do this if he is good about money and genuinely would repay it over time eg £200 a month).

You offer £500. His parents are responsible for finding the rest, SS can get a part time job to contribute a few £100. Absolutely no obligation on you to do this, but this is the option I would choose to be kind but also not a pushover.

This

I would find this a really difficult situation but I'm focused on two facts. Firstly, you have separate finances so your dh is effectively saying that you have separate finances until he wants your money at which point it's family money then once he's taken your money you're back to separate finances, at least until the next time. It does feel as though your money is burning a hole in his pocket. Secondly, while he could ask for a loan, he's actually not done so, he just wants the money!

@GloriousGoosebumps quite!!!