Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

you say "fundraising"...? how much money outside of parents and family is being given/donated for their holiday to Borneo?

If you think being responsible 24 hours a day for 20+ teenagers is a "cheeky holiday", you must be taking some very strange "holidays" yourself.

Don't be silly.

Why can’t the mum get a second job to pay for son’s extras? Instead she and the Dh are eyeballing OP’s inheritance.

No kid needs this costly trip. Stay firm, OP.

I'm not in favour of these insanely expensive school trips, but I hardly think taking a group of school kids, of any age, abroad is going to constitute a fun relaxing experience for the teachers. I can't think of much worse than being responsible for a gaggle of excited teenagers in a foreign country.

Exactly. His parents can’t afford it. End of.

Out of curiosity, OP, why did you tell your husband about the inheritance in the first place?

This.

“There's no freedom on school trips anyway. You just get sherparded from one overcrowded tourist hotspot to another.”

At least the students have their friends along for the trip—it’s not fun for the teachers! Being bunked up with miserable Janet from the staff room for a week, whilst trying to wrangle randy, rowdy teens is no holiday!

OK, I concede that was a pretty unfair comment.

Still I struggle to see how it costs £1,500 per head. Especially when the typical accommodation used in school trips is usually of a low standard. Hell, our family holidays don't cost £1,500 per head in peak season. I suppose it all depends on location.

How would dear old Dad afford the trip on his own? He would have ALL the bills of a house himself and since he was out of work, he might have ended up without a home.

It's so sad to read these threads where the stepmother is expected to sit back and shut up; unless she can do something for her stepchildren. Then she can pony up and then go sit back and shut up. Stepmothers and stepfathers rarely get an ounce of respect from MNers.

Maybe you should wonder why the boy's mother hasn't tried to improve her situation, so she'd have at least half the money for her DS to go on a trip.

It’s usually the transportation—if a school takes a bus to France, the local coach company sends the bus for the whole week, oftentimes with 2 drivers (limits on how many hours straight one person can legally drive—otherwise, with 1 driver, they have to incorporate stops and tourist attractions along the way for x amount of hours, before the driver can legally get behind the wheel again). The driver(s) stays the whole week, and gets paid.

Actually I agree with a previous poster who suggested the boy should be working on raising money for himself, ie paper round, wash cars, walk dogs, some garden work, etc.

No way! It’s your money, if your DH & kids mum cannot afford it then he doesn’t go. I personally think he’s got a cheek to ask. Shocking

These reasons of yours are why the DH should take out a loan then and pay for it. Or he could even offer to pay OP back hopefully with zero interest but he’s not putting forward any proactive ideas like this. His son is old enough also to do some work perhaps to contribute himself also. Dad should be helping him eg I regularly get neighbours teenager to mow the lawn and give him £25 - more than the proper gardeners I previously had lol. There is money to be made out there just need the will. If the dad can’t be bothered to think out the box for his own child why should. OP?

The kid has two parents, neither of whom can afford it. End of discussion.

Cool. Next door neighbours kid would also like to go. Why not pay for them too? Sorry but the kid has 2 parents who are responsible for this. Would OP be able to veto him going if his dad could afford it? Of course not, it would be down to his two parents to decide.

No. If his parents can’t afford then he doesn’t get to go.

If it's a loan, I'd do it. Otherwise, no.

Another question for you then, @FrozenAgain67 ...

Who left you the inheritance? I mean, don't tell us, that's personal, but was it someone who would have wanted you to use the money in a particular way? Was it someone who knew DSS and saw him as their family?

I think a small inheritance from a distant family member that I'd received purely because everyone else was dead and the money had gone down the tree to me would be a very different thing to me than a small inheritance from a relative I was close to and who I had adored. For me, the former would be more like an annual bonus at work (that I might consider sharing) and the latter would be ringfenced.

If a close relative left me money and I could afford to do so, I'd keep that money aside for something I thought they would like me to do, whether that was a holiday, education, or savings as part of something bigger.

Inheritance cash isn't just like regular money. Depending on where it came from, it's money that has emotional conditions tied to it.

I'm not sure I have any relatives who would be in favour of me spending their estate on a stepchild (although I haven't had a stepchild for 11 years, so it's hard to say if any of them would come to regard a stepchild as their family too and feel OK about me using the money in that way).

I would. DH and I have shared finances but if we could afford it, irrespective of where the money came from, I would pay.

YANBU especially as you are already paying for the family holiday to take the pressure off your DH.
It absolutely will not just be £1500 either, there will likely be clothes/equipment needed, spending money, extra excursions or entry fees. DSS is reaching an expensive age and will likely be wanting driving lessons, maybe a car, nevermind university costs if he’s aiming for it.
Given what you’ve said about your DH job, it might be quite some time before his earning potential recovers, and in the current climate I’d want to be hanging onto some savings.

Does your dh have any other children who are likely to want to go on expensive school trips in due course?

In your place op I would encourage dh to do a boys only camping adventure over the summer. It’s very inexpensive, and they can spend some time together.

Who says those were even their vows?

One big reason he has less money left over every month is that he’s responsible for two children to OP’s one. His child is his sole responsibility (which is something he clearly accepted when he agreed to keep their finances separate). Their daughter is their joint responsibility, not just hers.

Interesting that you picked a name only associated with older women.

I find the idea that it's easy for a 14 year old to get a job, persuade neighbours to let him loose on their lawnmowers or cars etc, quite different to my own experience of having teenagers.

@Nomoreidea I really like the name Janet, but I don't know any born later than the 1960s, and most are older than that.

@ThatsCute , why is it that on MN, miserable or frumpy female coleagues are given names that aren't likely to be heard in the workplace? Is it ageism, misogyny...?