Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t let a child wash my car - I’d prefer it had a bit of dirt on it than risking them dropping a cloth, it picking up a little stone from the tarmac and causing scratching etc.

Plus when my kids were 14, they were working hard towards GCSEs and didn’t have loads of time for odd jobs that they had no accumulated skills in.

If it were so easy to earn money, people wouldn’t need foodbanks and the like. It’s seriously difficult to get a job these days.

And what happens next time he wants a luxury that Mum and Dad can't afford? Bank of Stepmum again? Or does stepson just naturally deserve two fully funded holidays including one entirely by himself, with no benefit seen by the family for the expenditure, purely by merit of being the stepson? Nasty old stepmum should hand over her bank account immediately for a trip his parents have said no to and NOT been shamed about - because otherwise it's not fair to the stepson who has had many luxuries and holidays the 6 year old hasn't had?

This is not a 250 spend to go to the coast for a night is it. It's 1,500 before spending money, clothes, souvenirs. That's not a reasonable ask at all and you must know that - loads of kids won't be going as its a huge expenditure for one member of the family in this COL situation. Teenager may be saying all his mates are going but I'm sure their parents are saying differently. What would be UNKIND would be to blow through finances and leave the family in a tough spot with OH having a lower wage, and never teaching stepson to appreciate the value of money and the difference in saving it to spend on family memories vs spending it on individual wants.

Sorry if I've missed this, but is DSS / his DM asking or insinuating you should pay, or has his DM just said no and your DH thinks you should because youre the only one in the setup with the funds to do so?

Who says that? You?

Of course you are not a relative if you are not bonded by blood. A wife or husband can become a relative, because, well, marriage bonds them. But that doesn't mean that any step children involved become relatives all of a sudden. As easy as they come into your life, they can be gone. And you'll have no say in it because, well...they're not your actual relatives.

A relative does not have to be a blood relative. This is why we have the phrase "blood relative". How many people grow up thinking only one of each pair of aunts and uncles is their relative?
It's not the same as being a blood relative, but they are related.
In the OP's case, she's been around since he was about 3 you'd hoped she was pretty bonded with the kid.

Can the parents ask the school if they could pay an amount each month, rather than 1 lump sum?

That is the question.
Its a tiny inheritance and its burning a hole in your husbands pocket.

Not enough you are paying more for the family holiday including his child.

Your husband is a CF.
Tell him and his son to get weekend jobs if he wants to go, not expect your tiny inheritance to be used.

The entitlement of your husband would give me the ick.

Eh? The OP isn't his mother. She can rightly say no.

My dd recently missed out on a similarly expensive overseas trip. All her friends went. My dd didnt because I cant afford it. Dd does have that amount in savings but we agreed it was way too much to spend on a week long trip when she has uni coming up etc.

Im sure those that went had fun but not enough to justify the enormous cost. YANBU op. (to be fair I wouldnt be taking a kid to see "Santa" either but its your inheritance and your dd so your choice. Dss....... nope really not your problem if neither of his parents are able to contribute)

Doesn’t the school offer a payment plan? When DD went on a similarly priced trip, the full cost was broken down into instalments of £300 every couple of months. Would your husband (or him and his wife) manage that? If he can’t, how is he planning to pay you back? How will he fund spending money for DSS or any new bits of kit he might need?

At the end of the day, his parents can’t afford it. That’s the reality for thousands of kids all over.

Ha at the suggestion that dss gets a job to pay for it. It will be over and done before he saves enough.

OP, no you shouldn’t have to pay for it. Ok for DH to ask, but even more ok for you to say no.

Are there any generous grandparents around who might be willing to help?

YANBU. His parents can't afford it so he doesn't go end of. It doesn't fall down to you to fund a luxury for the child that the parents can't afford just because you are married to the child's father.

They always get told that they are when it’s Mother’s Day or parents evening or a wedding, or anything other than when it involves them passing over money

Being a MN stepmother is all about giving without taking.

No. School trips involve school staff working/ being on call 24 hours a day for no extra pay while safeguarding dozens of children, just in a different place. This follows many hours of work in the preceding months to actually organise the trip.

I've voted YABU, I would pay BUT would expect dss' dad and mum to pay me back over a period of 12 months.

This is what I would do, although it’s your money and he’s not your biological child so I don’t think you are being unreasonable not paying for it either

I’d also bet that OP has taken on more costs for their shared dd. If yes, it’s doubly unfair to ask her to pay for this trip.

These school trips are so expensive that there’s no stigma in not attending. DSS is getting a family holiday mainly paid for by OP, so he is not missing out.

Or childcare

Well they wouldn't be told that by me! If someone has been in their life since they were 3 years old they should be an important part of the child's group of people who love them.

@Nomoreidea , I think that it should work both ways, whereas on here, the step-mother is meant to love and care for the step-child unconditionally but must expect to get no thanks whatsoever for it.

There should be thanks from the partner, yes, but we don't get that from our own kids usually either! Or not until they're much older.

This.

Also ridiculous that a young teenager feels entitled to an expensive holiday that many middle aged working people can’t afford.

Talk about encouraging unrealistic expectations. These school jollies should be limited at most to a day at a local museum as part of a history lesson. Kids should be in the classroom learning. It’s not as though most of them couldn’t benefit from additional literacy.

Not seeing much of that in this thread, where 80% are taking the side of the stepmother, and a few of those include such callous statements as "Not your kid, not your problem. End of story."

Imagine the OP following that advice and telling the stepson: "Sorry champ, but you're not my kid and you're not my problem. End of story."

If it were the other way around, would you expect DSS’s mother to pay for DD’s school trip?