Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

I would pay altough we share finances partially and we support each other in rough times . Why can’t the ex pay halo ? Schools normally have a monthly plan to pay this

In this situation I would pay if I could. He has a sibling who can get treat type holidays - as a family I would want to support him.

I would loan the money to your DH on the understanding he pays you back momthly.

I think you’re being mean too. If your husband couldn’t afford it because he was shit with money I could understand it. But it must have been difficult for him to be made redundant, a circumstance he had no control over.
I also think it’s awful to say your SS shouldn’t get to go because you didn’t.
I didn’t get to go on school trips because we were poor, I make sure my kids get the opportunities I didn’t have. My eldest is my DH step son, but he earns way more than my ex. We pay because we can afford it and my ex can’t.

Being miserly with money over something like this is really selfish in my opinion.
It’s not like he just wants a new phone or games console.

You inherited the money from someone with no connection to your stepson. Asking you to pay for the trip because the child's parents can't afford it is not on.

It is 15% of your inheritance. The remainder will be requested for driving lessons and a car, if they haven't scrounged it off you in the meantime.

But if he does @queenrollo or decides he wants something else.. is op 'mean' for not getting that too?

Because she doesn't have the money and op does?

Neither his mum nor his dad can afford for him to go. If his dad is insistent he goes, then he needs to ask grandparents if they can help out, or get a loan.

So basically you made this decision pretty much in anticipation of this exact issue and explained your reasoning to dh who agreed. But now it's actually happening and not a hypothetical, wants you to change your mind. No way!

Not to mention the fact you have already bent it a bit by paying for dss' summer holiday.

Essentially if his parents were still together and you were never in the picture he wouldn't be able to go, so he isn't disadvantaged by being a ss.
The holiday you are taking dd on is irrelevant, it's a family holiday not a school thing. I'm sure he might have done special santa stuff with dh etc before your dd was even born when he was her age.

Stick to your guns op!

Apart from anything else, whoever left you your inheritance probably would prefer it to be spent on something nice for you/your dd, not a random child who was unrelated to them.

Could he and his ex go halves?

What to you mean "why can't the ex pay half"?
Op has explained she can't afford it.
I dont know how people seem unable to comprehend this and are so out of touch with the reality of life
Many people just don't have an extra £800 to spare, it doesn't matter if its all at once or "just" £100 a month, they don't have it because all their income is already accounted for and they can't magically create more.
I dont know how much further I could break it down!
That could be 2 weeks food shop, or gas and electric, or the council tax for the month.

Because she is the other parent and she should pay half of the outgoings ? That’s why schools make payment plans so people pay slowly . It’s not like people are not told in advance , make a sacrifice and try and at least help ? I would .

He has two parents who are financially responsible for him. If they can’t afford it, or work extra/sell something for him to be able to go, so be it! Not your fault or choice. Your money is literally because you’ve lost someone. I can’t believe your DH is after it for his son!

FWIW, I inherited a decent chunk a few years back and DH never once asked for a penny of it. Most went into the (joint) mortgage, a few home improvements and a big blow out holiday, but he never once had designs on it. It would have been nice if he’d let you offer, and you’d perhaps wanted to, but he didn’t and you don’t want to anyway. I can’t believe his entitlement!

Don't hand over your money, your DSS has two parents and if they can't or won't find a way to pay for their child why the hell should you pay out of your inheritance. Time to remind DH that you are already paying for his son to go abroad this summer on the family holiday, does he honestly think you should be funding two overseas trips for his son? Jeez the entitlement.

I get on fine with DSS. He is a good kid but imo has always got whatever he wants (back when DH could afford it) and isn't used to being told no. Not his fault.

DH needs to talk to his son and explain that now he's lost his job and in a different one, finances aren't as good, so luxury trips like this are off the cards at the moment.

How much will his participation in the family holiday cost you? You might be able to offer him the option of forgoing that in exchange for the school excursion, if he thinks that's more important.

My son wants to go on a £1500 trip next year so he is planning to save up half of it himself and his dad and I will share the cost of the rest.

I won't ask his step dad (my DH) to contribute anything

Could your DSS save up Money himself? My son does extra chores and is just careful not to waste his pocket money on crap

No. Say no. You’d be absolutely mad to say yes. Your H doesn’t like saying no to this kid, and he’s expecting you to facilitate his poor-parenting and indulgence when he can’t afford to.

No she’s not. We made sure my son got to go on a ski trip, he didn’t get the iPad he wanted. I would facilitate an experience like a trip with school, I don’t believe in blindly giving children everything they desire.

It’s those who will view you as “being wealthy” and therefore obligated to pay for things.

Don’t ever pay for something you don’t want or need to pay for.

This trip will be out of reach for many, he won’t be only one.

I would because I would like to see him go and enjoy it. Especially if all his friends are going. I would just feel mean if I didn't. I think it would mean a lot to him and hopefully would be something he would enjoy and always be grateful for.

Again "make a sacrifice"
You are assuming that the mother HAS significant luxuries she could sacrifice.

OP didn't say "his mum doesn't want to sacrifice things to afford it" she said "his mum CANT afford it". It already sounds as if the mum and son aren't going on any holiday together this year so it's not as if she's prioritising that.

You can't just "sacrifice" not eating for a month or not paying your council tax so your son can go on an expensive holiday.

Are you being willfully oblivious?
If you DONT HAVE the money it doesnt make any difference if you repay it quickly or slowly.

Why don't you just buy a ten million pound mansion if you think it's that easy? After all, you can get a mortgage to pay it off monthly, right?

It was me who has always wanted separate finances. We (used to) earn pretty similarly and when I met DH I did not want to get involved in costs for DSS like maintenance etc.. and don't like the idea of having to justify what I spend my money on to anyone. Been there before. So we pay half bills and things like family holidays but everything else is his / mine. Not to say if we were struggling with a bill one month or something I wouldn't pay it but treats and things that aren't necessities are not shared typically unless they involved the whole family.

So you wanted finances to be separate and agreed on 50:50 when you and your DH were earning similar amounts. Now he has had a period of unemployment but you expected him to continue to pay his half of the shared expenses for your home and DD, using up his savings, and to continue paying half now that he is earning less than you, even though it leaves him with almost nothing at the end of the month? That doesn’t sound like a fair split. What happened to “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…”? I suspect you would get a very different answer if you were a man.

I think you need to reevaluate what is a fair split of your expenses if he is left with no money at the end of the month because he earns less than you. Then he would be able to afford to pay for his DS’s trip.

whether she's got £10,000 or £10million the OP is allowed to say no,

he can surely just go to the bank or get a credit card for this though....

if it means so much to him that his boy goes on this trip, he can pay for it this way, because if he can afford to pay the OP back, he can afford to pay the credit card off.

It's very easy to spend other people's money ...