So many problems with SC

[M2p]

I have been a SM for about a year, SS 12 SD 9 yet I feel like this is just getting worse as it goes along.
At first yes it wasn't too bad, meeting them starting to get to know them but as time has gone on I've found myself separating myself from the situation trying to keep busy when their here. So they are very fussy eaters, will never try anything new and if I cook something ive made before that I know they like sometimes they say they don't like it and won't eat. If I don't have dinner done at a certain time all hell breaks loose and it's like I'm starving them to death but they never moan to me about it they go to their dad. They ignore me, even when my P is around, they will ask him questions to ask me. It's even worse when he's not in the house which is a fair bit as he works and he leaves them with me multiple times in the week, i will ask if their hungry and they will just say no all the time, but as soon as my P comes home the first thing they will say is their hungry and haven't ate like I've done it on purpose. Also SD stares at me all the time i can see her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she will just stand with her head poking round the door while im doing something it makes me so uncomfortable. These are just the main things there is also little other things that goes on aswell, has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

@Crazyworldmum , Why is it the OP's duty to feed two children living with their actual parent? Because she's female?

@ColourThief , do you have any step-children?

Op I’m not sure what you have to talk about. For years he’s used you, he’s barely able to cook a meal for his own children.

Desperate to keep a roof over his head he may start to make lots of promises but please be strong and don’t listen.

if it were me I like to think I would have all his possessions in a bin bag on my front step.

@M2p This morning I've allowed him to come and use the bathroom and get ready then he's off out so I can get ready and go meet him to talk. And see where it goes from there the very fact that you are going out to meet him to talk seriously leaves me with the fear!! do not weaken now!! after all the good strong work you did last night too!!! you are showing signs to him of weakening and he is going to use that to his advantage! throw his stuff in black binbags and give them to him when you meet so he wont need to come back to your house!!

Good grief ! it took you all evening to get him out !!! you had to threaten to call the police !!!

and now you have already allowed him back in !!! give your head a big wobble and put yourself first !!!

pack his stuff up and take it with you when you go to ' talk ' give him his stuff and say ' goodbye ' very simple one word ' goodbye '

goodbye to the nanny with the fanny, with her own home...

he is not your responsibility nor are his children
he can book into a travelodge - he works !
or he can stay with family or friends or even work colleagues.

What exactly do you mean when you say "see where it goes"?

That is a very passive approach to take.
It is putting the power back in his hands. It is saying you will watch and listen and see what he says.
As if what he says will make up your mind for you. As if what he says will determine what you do next.

How about making up your own mind before you go to meet him. Then just telling him what you have decided, regardless of what he says.

Stop being passive, stop being a passenger in your own life, at the mercy of what other people say and do and think.

or a long walk off a short pier 🤦‍♀️
(need more coffee)

That is a very passive approach to take.

What do you actually want the outcome to be OP? Wind things forward to next weekend and what would you like your life to be like?

Asking that I'm not including your P becoming a different person, but accepting the problems that come with him that are not going to change.

Why do you need to listen to his empty, disingenous and self serving words.

Assess the relationship on his actions to date.

I think letting him back in to shower was a mistake and erodes your boundaries. Let him figure out to get a hotel room or go to the gym.

I would have his stuff packed to bring to him.

This meeting will hurt you - he will hurl abuse after he tries and fails to win you round - why would you expose yourself to that?

That depends on what they agreed on their relationship , it’s her duty to advocate for herself and say no if it’s not ok . I have no issue with having my step kids with me if my partner is at work but that was agreed on it early on that all the kids are treated the same . No issue with cooking to anyone if they are in my house but I’m not cooking different meals or at different times . And above all no issue telling them off if I need to as my partner has my back and I have his .
I think above all the op biggest issue is her partners lack of respect for her .

And that lack of respect comes from viewing the OP as a very useful household appliance, but it's utility comes from it operating exactly as he expects it to.

I really hope you took his belongings with you for the meet up @M2p
Nothing more desperate than a man that needs a roof over his head and a babysitter. I wish I could say I am appalled at how entitled he is, but sadly, I've been there.
Good luck x

@GiftWrappedKittyCat2 , 18 pages in, and you haven't bothered to check the OP's other posts. OP has given it time, and the 'new normal' is her being a nanny/housekeeper and mortgage payer to a lazy cocklodging father and his children.

No chance someone who I had to threaten with police to get them to leave my home would be back living with me.

You got him out OP better to keep it that way.

@Crazyworldmum , but you are feeding your own children as well as his. OP is having to prepare food for his children when she hasn't any of her own.

I agree with you . My criticism to her was to step up for herself . I m still reading the rest of her posts . I only saw the original

As a pp said please don't meet up with him with a see where it goes attitude. If you do that it will go exactly how he wants it to go and you will end up in exactly the same place except more resentful.
Decide what you want and what your boundaries are before you meet him.
Also make a list of all the crappy things he has done, this will focus your mind when he tries to sweet talk you into continuing to offer your services to him.

Agree - cue the love bombing, promises and future faking.

You need to lead where it goes from here.

this is your life, your home and your future. He’s not a keeper, he’s a parasite and he’s taking you and your money for a ride.

you need to tell him that you’re splitting up with him and that he needs to leave. Don’t get into the detail, other than it’s not working for me, I’m not happy and I’m being taken advantage of.

repeat as necessary. He needs to go. You know this @M2p

If you take this character back or give him any rope - he will punish you down the line.

OP he is going to beg you to change your mind and stay in the relationship.

Please remember that you have the whole of MN begging you not to.

Don’t get into the detail, other than it’s not working for me, I’m not happy and I’m being taken advantage of.

100% agree with this approach. Dont get dragged down a garden path of examples and details. Just rinse and repeat. IMHO - a text would more than suffice with a date and time for collecting pocessions (have a friend with you) - then change locks and block.

Count every minute him gone from your life as reclaiming the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years he spent exploiting, disrespecting and degrading you.

He must be grim if the mother of his children got shot of him - we tolerate a lot for our children.

100%

This will quickly get reframed so he's a victim.

He's already demonstrated exactly what happens when you don't do exactly what he expects you to do, i.e. drop your plans to care for his children for him.

I know some people think he's having his children extra to avoid maintenance, but I also think there's a chance he's taking them more to punish their mum. Some men do that, too.

I know some people think he's having his children extra to avoid maintenance, but I also think there's a chance he's taking them more to punish their mum.

Likely both.

OP you are the most important person in your life.

Stay strong.

By extending his time with his children the father in question is attempting to kill three birds with one stone:
1 it's a way to avoid paying extra maintenance
2 it's a way to punish his ex
3 it's a way to dominate and overwhelm his current partner
However he has overreached, bitten off more than he can chew etc.