You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

But she is performing a mother role whilst they are in her care. She presumably cooks from them, cleans after them and acts as an independent person to talk to if needed.

Using that argument all nursery workers should get a card on Mother's Day too...

I don’t get paid 🤣

That’s a babysitter.

i honestly these sorts of comments are really sad. There was plenty of love to go around in my family.

Not it would appear in the Op’s

Far from it in fact

You are rightly upset that you husband didn't engineer smth for you on kids and his behalf.
I think you should spoonfeed it to him they way you do it here "one last time" and then leave at it and set your expectations right for the future.
I would definitely not pay for holidays and stuff though. I would in fact make a point of travelling with my kids alone from now on. But that's me, a very bad stepmum material:)

You cook and clean for them because you’re with their dad though. If you stopped doing it dad would need to step up (maybe this is the solution?) they have to stay at another house for a set number of days a week with a woman they’ve only known 5 years, in order to see their dad. Given time they may well come to see you as a mother figure and recognise that by purchasing a gift or card. They can be thankful for what you do but that doesn’t mean they love you yet & that is what Mother’s Day is for - recognising our loved ones who have brought us up.

As long as they are polite, and grateful for what you do (it sounds like they are - they buy you birthday and Christmas gifts and cards…) then you need to let them come round to this in their own time.

This. He sounds like a knobhead

He has been incredibly insensitive today that’s for sure

What does he actually do for your kids? Fuck all I bet. You’re being a mug and I’d stop immediately. I’m shocked you’re married already tho as he obvs doesn’t actually view you as a blended family at all

It would have been insensitive for him to force his children to send a card to you when they didn’t want to.

I don’t disagree. At all. The response I got from him was crap though.

I didn't say card or anything from his kids. I said a bunch flowers or token something to say thank you for all you do for them. As she said she is OK to cook/clean up after them . So yes a token thank you from her dh is nice and does show she is appreciated and not taken for granted .

Was it? Your husband obviously feels comfortable sending his step mum a card and his reason is that she has been in his life a long time, so for him that makes him views her as a mother figure. That’s his choice and how he feels. Other people may not ever view their father’s partner as a mother figure, even after 30 years, which is fine too. It is for your step children to decide, not their father.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect a card, it’s for your step children to decide how they perceive your role in their life - a mum type role shouldn’t be assumed. Being a mum isn’t just domestic labour either so it doesn’t follow doing that would mean a card on Mother’s Day.

I’d knock doing everything for them on the head though - life’s hard enough without carrying a husband who doesn’t want to parent his own kids and doesn’t seem to appreciate your contribution.

5 years ago you were nothing but a stranger you didn't help raise them in their early years. You are being massively unreasonable here.

And if you split with their dad, you'd probably never see them again.

You choosing to do cooking and cleaning is between you and your husband, nothing to do with them. What he said is correct, you are not their mother.

The children might feel like they were being disloyal to their mother if they got you a mother's day card. You are not on the same level as their mother, just like I'm sure you don't see them the same as your children, and they don't need to pretend otherwise.

No you don't, but my point was that fulfilling certain tasks doesn't earn you a position as a maternal figure in someone's life. It's much more nuanced than that, but you seem to be viewing this in a very transactional way (I prepare meals/wash clothes/pay for things therefore I deserve a card on Mother's Day).

Sorry to keep bringing it back to this, but you are not their mum. You seem to take view as an insult, when it is simply a fact, and a very legitimate reason for them not to get you a Mother's Day card.

Tbh it sounds like you're misplacing resentment that should be directed at your DH for not making more of an effort today.

But you're not their mum. Regardless of how much you do for then (and if you're not happy about doing it then that's a separate discussion). But you aren't their mum so I'm not sure why you would expect anything for mothers day.

Whilst I agree you’re not their Mum and he can’t force them to send a card I think it’s wrong not to acknowledge your role within their family.
I have a step Mum, I don’t give her a card from me because she’s not my Mum and I have my own Mum still in our lives. However we always make sure we visit on Mother’s Day, take flowers and my children give her a card because we want to acknowledge that despite not being biologically related to us, she is an important part of our family.
In your case, if you step daughters didn’t want to acknowledge your role within their family, your husband could have got you a card/flowers. My husband always buys me something on Mother’s Day in addition to making sure the kids mark the day because he appreciates what I do for our family.

This is spot on.

I’ve lost count of how many times on this thread I’ve said I’m pissed at the response from my DH not really the lack of card!

Why would you pay for their holidays ?

Thoughtless behaviour from all 3 of them.

Nope. I don't mean his response, which whilst very direct, was true.

What has your DH actually done for you today?

Helped clear away the dinner that I cooked for all the parents.