You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I don’t think the lack of card is the problem. The problem is that your husband got lucky with a wife who out earns him, does everything for his children and he doesn’t ever say thank you or recognise this.

I’m not sure that Mother’s Day is the day to be acknowledged by teenagers that obviously don’t want to say thank you themselves (They may feel incredibly uncomfortable giving you a card on Mother’s Day) but your Dh is absolutely taking advantage of.

FWIW my step mum gets spoiled rotten on Mother’s Day. She’s been in my life for almost thirty years and is incredibly special to me. The whole family treat her like the queen she is.

I'm responding to the PP who suggested that OP's SDs will feel ashamed when they look back on this. I strongly disagree.

I didn't say I had a tough time with my stepmum. I said I was friendly and polite. I may not have got her a Mother's Day cards but I got her birthday cards, Christmas cards, presents, etc, but never a Mother's Day card. Perhaps it was because I was a teen when they married (much like OP's SDs) but Mother's Day to me was, and still is, about celebrating the maternal figures in my life who helped raise me. My stepmum didn't earn that position by virtue of marrying my dad.

100% this.

This isnt about you though??

The OP does all their washing, meal prep, paying for their stuff and paying for holidays etc.

I agree with this. It’s about how the DC feel now. Which will depend on so many things.

A few years ago, my DS got his SM a card that said ‘Mum’ on it. His dad told him it might be best to get another, for my sake. But it was fine by me. He chose that himself and I was just pleased that he was happy with the role she had in his life.

But she had been in his life about 11 years by then, and he didn’t even really remember life before her. He’s never shied away from telling her he loves her or being affectionate in my presence. She’s been his go to person more than once when his dad and I have been just too close to a situation during the teen years.

This post is about a very different set up and clearly the OP’s SD’s just don’t see her as any type of maternal figure.

Ok, I’m sorry if I misinterpreted what you meant- though I’m not sure what you mean by the stepchildren should be a bit more thoughtful, if it isn’t that you think they should have got her a Mother’s Day card/gift, even though they did not want to? I’m not sure what else you can be suggesting?

Either it is ok that OP’s step children did not wish to get her a Mother’s Day card as they don’t view her that way, or it isn’t- and if that is the case, they should have done so regardless of how they felt. You said it would “be nice if they were thoughtful” which to me suggested, in this context, that you think they ought to have got her a card.

if you think they should have got the card, regardless of how they feel- then that is suggesting that they should express sentiments towards OP that they do not hold, so that she feels better. Which I think is wrong.

If you are saying it would be nice if they did appreciate what OP does- I agree, they should. But it is completely appropriate that they do so in other ways that are unrelated to Mother’s Day.

OP said her DH has the stepchildren every other weekend and one day during the week (so 6 days out of every 28) and a bit more during the holidays (but does not say if that is 50%, or more/less than 50%).

With regards the holiday, another poster quoted that from one of the OP’s previous threads, but I have no idea if it is accurate which is why I said “I read”, rather than “OP said”. In any case, we don’t know if OP told her step-children she had paid for them to go on holiday, whilst their father contributed nothing- I imagine they just thought they went on holiday with his dad and his wife/her children. Which they may/should have been generally grateful for, rather than specifically grateful to their step-mother (though I have teens and they have yet to specifically express gratefulness for family holidays- they are happy we go and generally show appreciation for things done for them, but I would not expect a specific “thank you so much for a holiday”, if I’m honest). But if they were made aware that they only got to go on holiday because step-mum paid, I would question why OP and her DH would inform them of the financial ins and outs of holiday payments? What would the purpose be? Not one in the best interests of the children, I would have thought.

But you're not their mum! I don't understand expecting mother day cards form people who you are not a mother to.

Agreed. It's interesting reading only the OP's posts- a combination of petulance and martyrdom.

It must be so sad to have a life where only black and white is acceptable to you, there is so much grey in the world. Your lack of flexibility must really limit your enjoyment.

You don’t agree with any other kind of family? How sad.

I’d stop doing their washing, cooking and paying for them. Nope.

More petulance. You're not their mother. How sad that you crave to be validated by a Hallmark greeting card.

I couldn't care less about Mothers Day. I'd be disappointed if my son bought into this nonsense. You've spent the whole day fretting about this.

A mum is so much more than someone who does their laundry a couple of times a month and has paid for a few holidays

Unless you have a very serious but affectionate conversation trouble lies ahead, Maybe a good opening is "I love you dearly but something is really worrying me. Can we talk?"

And a hallmark card not even thought about it or purchased by the teen SC …. One that their dad threw in the shopping trolley on their behalf

@MellowPinkDeer Of course there are plenty of ways of forming a family and all of them are absolutely valid. But, crucially, they are up to the individuals involved to decide. All of them.

Believing that families can be made up of all sorts of relationships is one thing. Expecting a Mother’s Day card from your stepchildren if they don’t wish to give you one because they don’t feel your relationship has reached that point (yet- it may or may not) is another. It is true, you are not their mum- and it would appear that they do not view you as a maternal figure in their life, as is entirely their right. It’s not really up to you to decide that you are a mother-like figure in their life, that’s for them to decide.

Ok hun. Not sure why you’ve wasted your time on this thread about mother’s days then. But you do you!

I can’t believe you’re still here!!

lols at my sister is a step mum …. My brother is a structural engineer… I’ll start giving advice about building houses soon 🤣

Will no doubt be negative, critical and bitter if you do

You’re really a something aren’t you!!

But she is performing a mother role whilst they are in her care. She presumably cooks from them, cleans after them and acts as an independent person to talk to if needed

my stepfather came into my life when I was 10. He is absolutely 100% not my dad. I have a dad. But he was a father figure in my life. I therefore have got him cards and choccies for the last 30 odd years. It brings me joy to know he sits in his comfy chair and tucks into them on Father’s Day.

I send my stepmother a card but she came into my life when I was 20 but I do it to acknowledge that she is valued as a step mother even if she didn’t have any sort of parental role. I don’t buy her a bunch of flowers like I do for my mum though

of course there is other kinds of family! But you don’t get them all a Mother’s Day card.

i think you need to consider why you are so focused on these girls acknowledging you in a mothering role to them. Why you want to share this holiday with their mother. Why you aren’t pushing for a thank you any other day - it’s this day that has caused you all this angst.

you seem very angry - unable to see any alternative view point. You have never spoken fondly of the girls - do t mention the funt things you do together, your love for them, their love for you. It’s all transactional. It’s really odd.

Thinking that children don’t have to acknowledge you as a mother on Mother’s Day is not ‘not agreeing with any other kind of familiy’. It’s just accepting that children don’t have to make Mother’s Day about a woman who is married to their father, just because that makes them a step mother.

If you are kind to them and do things for them, they should be appreciative and kind back, but that does not extend to sending you a card on Mother’s Day, because marrying their father does not make you their mother. Other days like birthdays are different, they are about you, but Mother’s Day is for mothers or who children want to acknowledge on that day. You are being so unreasonable that I question whether this is genuine.