You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Very chilled day, older DFS working away on coursework in his room, other DFS just watched Aston Villa win on TV so is very happy and we're all having a takeaway this evening and my youngest DS is coming across too. Then I'm driving the other foster son to cricket training. My youngest DS is taking me out for a meal next week. Eldest DS is getting me flowers but I've said to wait because I've got some from DD ATM.

My niece put a lovely post up on her facebook today thanking her mum her stepmum and her nan on Mothers Day.

OP said she cooked these 2 teenage girls meals, did all their laundry and paid for them to go on holiday over the last 2 years she's been married to the girls Dad, so an acknowledgement of this care would have been nice but no one forces DC to be thoughtful or to give a card or small gift.

I think your husband should mark it as you are doing a lot for his kids and it’s rotten of him to be so dismissive of you. BUT it’s not up to his kids to buy you a Mother’s Day card. You aren’t their mum. They didn’t choose to be part of your life, it was a choice their dad made and they are having to deal with that.

When I was an adult I would buy my dads wife some flowers but not a card - it’s mothers day. I was dealing with my own grief that day. She could never understand the gesture and always moaned she didn’t get a card. They met when I was 19!

It doesn't work to force this kind of thing. If the kids don't think of giving you a card and their dad doesn't want to encourage them to, that's it.

Happy Mothers Day OP, maybe one day in the distant future your step-daughters will remember this and feel thoroughly ashamed.

Mums come in many forms and regardless of genetics, you took on a maternal role for your step daughters and that should be acknowledged. It would have taken them 5 minutes to order you a card online or a little bunch of flowers from Asda.

I even received a card and token gift from my step GS (my husbands Grandson) he's only a baby so obviously organised by my step son and his wife. Baby already has 2 blood Grannies so I'm very much a 'not wanting to step on toes step Granny' but they still wanted to acknowledge my role.

Blimey. From the way you were talking about everything you do for them I thought they must live with you full-time. So you see them three days out of every 14…

Wouldn’t hurt your husband to show a bit of appreciation for the effort you make for his kids. Tell him if you’re not your mum you won’t be doing chores for them and certainly not paying for their holidays.

@LEWWW Trying to enforce a Mother’s Day acknowledgement is not right or fair. You chose to do that because you feel that way towards your step-mother, which is nice for you both. To try to force/persuade/suggest children express feelings they do not have in order to appease an adults feelings is a totally different thing and utterly wrong. They don’t view her as their mother or a mother-like figure. Hence, they do not need to show their appreciation by way of a card for Mother’s Day. It makes me angry on their behalf that others seem to think OP’s need to be acknowledged as a mother figure is more important than the fact they don’t view her in that role, and moreover, that they should be told to ignore their feelings “to be nice”. No, they should not. The adults in their lives made choices that meant they are now a blended family, they had no choice and just have to make the best of it. Hopefully, with time, those relationships do form and mutual affection is fostered. But, equally, it is ok if it is only ever a cordial and respectful relationship where OP is “dad’s wife” rather than a maternal figure in their lives.

OPs step-children can and should be polite, respectful and show appreciation where it is due, but they should be entitled to do this in other ways if they don’t want to send a Mother’s Day card. And it’s perfectly ok that they don’t want to send one.

The ways that are entirely appropriate are more every day acknowledgements- e.g. saying thank you if OP does something for them- and other acknowledgements such as sending her a birthday card and a gift at christmas (which OP has said they do). Though frankly, most of what she says she does could largely be seen as things she is doing as a favour to her DH, not the children, and things that are just basic decency towards the children of your spouse when they are in your shared home ( e.g. making a meal for everyone if she is already cooking for her/her DC) without the need to try and coerce them to say they appreciate her as having a maternal role in their life when that is not how they feel. All under the guise of “teaching them to show appreciation”. It is reprehensible of adults to suggest children should express false feelings to appease another adults feelings. They should not.

If OP feels she does too much and this is not appreciated by her DH, that is a separate matter and is nothing to do with a Mother’s Day card. At best, getting a card would have been a sticking plaster. It sounds like OP does support her DH financally (paying for holidays)- does he pull his weight in other ways? She says he is supportive of her children. But is he otherwise a good partner? Seems like displacement to me- harder to acknowledge a relationship issue than be upset about not getting a Mother’s Day card and being told “well, you aren’t their mother” when she questioned it. His response was blunt, but I think OP was also a bit unwise to suggest to him she should have got a Mother’s Day card when it was not forthcoming and she knows she has a distant relationship with her step-children. I imagine it came across as critical of them and him, when he probably thinks it is perfectly reasonable that they did not get her a card if they did not wish to.

There should be no specific expectation from the children around Mother’s Day. They didn’t expect or need her to take on an maternal role. They have a mother.

As far as the children are concerned, OP is in their life solely because their father wants her in his.

Yes, it should be acknowledged and appreciated by her husband, that she does what he, for whatever reason, doesn’t do for his children. But that should be at all times.

I sent my step mum flowers and a card today, aa I do every year. But she’s been in my life for over 35 years. Your husband is the issue.

Husband does not value your input. You are a resource and a very good resource. Slowly and subtley back away from doing the level of work u are doing. Don't inform him because actions speak louder....... his children and his responsibility. A mother's day card is not appropriate but alternative acknowledgement of what you do would be helpful....if u called " Jane" or "alice" ask for a jane or Alice acknowledgement...dinner, restaurant, spa.

@caringcarer They are there 6 days out of 28. I doubt she does all that much laundry in that time. She is likely making meals for her and her DC- why on earth would she not make it for another 2 children who are in her home? If anything, she is doing their father a favour by doing a chore he would either be responsible for or responsible for delegating to them to do for themselves. Frankly, some of what OP is doing is basic expectations of what an adult should do when they marry someone who already has children and those children visit their parent in their shared home. I don’t think OP is going above and beyond by including them in 6 meals a month when she is already cooking (assuming she makes all the meals 365 days a year). If she is unhappy with the split of household chores then she should bring that up with her DH, not blame her SC for not being appreciative enough of her efforts. Yes, she paid for a holiday for them- but do DC know that OP paid and their dad contributed nothing? Or did they just think they went on holiday with their father, their step-mother and step-siblings? Again, not something I’d expect teenagers to be especially grateful to their step-parent for unless they were made explicitly aware that step-parent had paid for it all (and then I’d wonder why they would have been told that, as finances are between the adults in this situation- I’d think it quite crass that they had been involved in that way). Additionally, I think I read that OP did this as otherwise her DH said he could not come on holiday with her and her children, so OP paid as she wanted him to come. So, whilst it was defintely a nice thing to do, it was also something she did because she wanted to for her own reasons/benefit (she wanted her husband to come on holiday with her- perfectly reasonable) and as a favour to her DH. I don’t think it warrants an automatic right to expect a Mother’s Day card.

Nor does it make it right to try and force her step-children to acknowledge her as having a role in their lives that they don’t feel she has/express feelings towards her they do not hold. It’s wrong, it’s unfair and likely to be damaging to any attempts to build on their relationship going forward. I’m surprised that as a foster carer you would be encouraging an adult to pressurise a child to express feelings they don’t have towards an adult who could be seen as a figure of authority/someone who could impact their life (e.g. a step-mother).

The stepchildren can and should show some appreciation of OP in other ways- she has already said they get her a card on her birthday, and at Christmas, for instance. That seems absolutely appropriate to me.

"They didn’t choose to be part of your life"

That goes for biological mothers as well. Children don't choose to be born and it's their parents' responsibility to look after them and yet, some people think children are obliged to buy mother's day/father's day cards.

My sister is a SM. Her DH always buys her a wife Mothers day card & a little gift. Cos he knows he's a lucky man & appreciates what she does for his kids. Poor show on your DHs part.

Very much disagree with you here.

Have you ever been a stepchild?

I was polite and friendly to my stepmum every time I saw her, but she was not a mother figure to and therefore it would have been inappropriate for me to give her a Mother's Day card. I gave a card to my actual mum.

It's probably a good idea to have a thorough talk once things have cooled.
I think OP's dh should be planning something, buying something and definitely acknowledging OP as a mum to her own and as a caring Step mum to his. It's not that difficult to show appreciation for someone you love fgs.

Reread my post, I never said a DC should be pressured into gifting. Where did you get that from? What I said was it would be nice if the DC were a bit more thoughtful. How do you know OP only has DC 6 days out of 28? I didn't read that or that OP only paid for step daughters as her DH said he couldn't go otherwise. Did OP post that?

I'd expect my son to get his stepmum something or at least mark the day somehow. That's not going to replace me as his mother or make me any less important.
She treats my son like one of her own and it's lovely to see. I don't think a card and a gesture of appreciation to her would be at all out of order.
People get really weird about step parents on here.

I’m sorry OP that’s shit. 💐

I’m a step mum to a 6 year old (we have him 80%) and the teachers even asked him if he’d like to make an extra card for me as they know I’m a big part of his life. There are people out there who respect step parents and you’re doing a brilliant job 🩷 please know that.

I think this depends on the stepchild/step parent relationship though!

I had a very difficult relationship with my step mum (I’m NC with her and my dad) as she was very not maternal, made it clear she resented me and my brother and was a cold person.

Me and my step son have a lovely relationship and we have him 80% of the time and he’s my little best mate! I have friends who have step parents who absolutely adore them.

So don’t tar us all with the same brush! I appreciate you had a tough experience (as did I) but we’re not all the same.

I have never in my life sent a step mother a mothers day card.

They are not my mother. I had one mother, she gave me life and sacrificed everything for me and struggled through alone, she was utterly irreplaceable and it would be the height of disrespect to pretend anyone could come close to rivaling her.

Step mother was just some poor naive woman who fell into a trap and coupled genitals with my useless father (and none where permanent, half a dozen have come and gone in my life time). I don't hate them, in fact I preferred them to said father as the where usually a lot nicer than him and we got along fine but they are like an 'Aunty' level relationship at best.

It might be different if you are a full time parent in place of an absent/deadbeat or abusive parent taking an 'adoptive' parent role (not even necessarily in place of a dead parent which needs to be carefully balanced) but truth is most step mothers just aren't equivalent, they are just the fathers partner. They can have a place in the child life but its not 'mother'. That's not personal or nasty, just a fact.

I'm sure it feels disappointing, but try not to feel to upset with the step daughters. As someone with step parents myself, I remember the feeling of slight uncomfortableness about whether I should give them a card. I generally didn't (I think it was tied in with an underlying feeling of being disloyal to my actual parents).... but it didn't mean I didn't appreciate the step parents.

But what you are describing is very different to the relationship and level of contact that OP has with these girls?

It doesn’t sound like OP is actively parenting or even befriending these girls. She spends a limited amount of time with them, does household chores and pays for stuff.

yea they should be kind and polite, but I dont think it’s right for any of us to define who these girls see as family or who they choose to honor on Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is emotive and it’s expecting a lot to go from limited conversation to a Mother’s Day card.

As a teen it never would have occurred to me to get a step parent a mother’s or father’s day card. That doesn’t mean i didn’t appreciate them for who they were. So I don’t think you should take it to heart so much. I also don’t think that, even if they were your actual children, it would be your DH’s fault if they didn’t get you anything. Once they are teenagers it’s up to them.

If you feel undervalued in general that is a big problem, but I think if you go into discussions with the focus on the (lack of) card then it will undermine your point.

As an aside, doing household chores won’t make your SDC love you. Even if you do them as a labour of love and bend over backwards to facilitate their lives. That’s just not how love works.