Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

There isn't anything that you can do. Your ex-DH can have his girlfriend there as often as he wants. The only thing your children can do is to stop seeing him if they don't want to have any contact with his girlfriend. They are old enough to have that decision respected but they can't make him stop having his girlfriend round when they are there.

I was made to do family therapy with a step parent included, it was honestly traumatic and everything I said was twisted by her and used against me, I felt violated. If you go down that route I’d research the therapist thoroughly.

Having been in this situation myself but u was an only child I would take a break from seeing dad for a month or so to give everyone chance to cool down and then perhaps they can do dinner out with dad and slowly build back up.

DF and GF are behaving terribly and even though the kids are older this will still have a terrible effect on them.

It’s his choice and they can choose to go, not go, or go less. In an ideal world he would keep the two separate given his children’s views but he’s not doing that. It sounds like he’s managed it very poorly.

my ex also chose partners over children. My DDs just saw less of him, of the 4 children he has outside of his marriage (two mine) 1 has nothing to do with him, i sees him once or twice a year and my two see him a few times a year. His loss.

I wouldn’t be pushing the children to have a relationship with this woman if they don’t want to he needs to manage both.

One thing I learnt the tough way was you have no control over your ex’s behaviour. It seems your children also have no control and it would be easier all round to accept that.

It’s pointless the kids saying 50/50 but only if she’s not there when she is there, and he’s not changing that. Six years on, not seeing your partner 50% of the time doesn’t seem great for him either though I appreciate he is going about the whole thing badly. Couldn’t there be an agreement they see him less if they can’t tolerate her? Like 2 nights a fortnight and it’s agreed it’s only him? All this rowing is pointless and stressful for everyone.

I wouldn't look at family therapy in this situation that would just be really unhealthy and I would be surprised if any decent therapist would do it as it wouldn't be safe at all.

I think considering individual counselling for your kids would be a good idea though. The GF is almost a bit of a red herring here I think, what it feels like they are actually dealing with is their father's rejection of them, him prioritising his own needs over their welfare.

They need space to work through this hurt and support to help them understand that this is now about them. He is making really harmful and selfish choices, the only control your children have is how they choose to react. I would be talking to them around what boundaries they can put in place so they feel safer, less hurt by what is happening. Maybe for example, see dad once a week outside the home for now doing a positive activity together or not seeing him at all for a period whilst they work through how they are feeling.

School/college would probably have some kind of counselling resource they can draw on. From your perspective lots of reassurance this isn't about them, lots of love and patience and give them room to talk about how they are feeling and allow them to make decisions about their relationship moving forward with their dad.

Your children are growing up and it sounds like they are being a little unreasonable at their age to expect to call the shots about their dad's personal life. She might well be awful but there is also a chance that your kids are being a bit stroppy teenager in their behaviour. I also think the 50 50 needs to be reconsidered in the light of their ages and their feelings about the new partner. You probably need to tell the kids that the reality is that their dad has a partner and that she will be at his house. They can be civil and make the best of it or they don't go as much and arrange to see their dad at other times less frequently.

It seems as if the two girls, who are at the stage when - if heterosexual - relationships with men are important, are finding it hard to accept that their Dad has a sex life and are fighting this hard.

It may be that the girlfriend is an unsympathetic character and their Dad is not balancing things at all well. But however distressed you are, I think the previous 50,50 split is over. As the mother, you are stuck with the role of being calm and consistent, focusing on the importance of school, further education, friendships, their family life with you.

They can choose whether or not to see their Dad but they can't control who he has sex with and the frequency of that sexual relationship.

Would support your DC, including by arranging individual counselling for them if you can afford it. Group counselling is a bad idea.

Their behaviour is terrible, but six years is quite a long time for the DC to hate the thought of him having a girlfriend at all. That’s not their decision.

Best to just been there for them and listen and don’t force them to go if they don’t want to.

Your children are growing up and it sounds like they are being a little unreasonable at their age to expect to call the shots about their dad's personal life. She might well be awful but there is also a chance that your kids are being a bit stroppy teenager in their behaviour.

These were my first thoughts too.

Your ex has chosen his partner over his children . Of course it's sad , but given the ages ( bar the youngest ) it's not totally , totally wrong.
The two eldest are about to get to the age where they are independent especially the eldest as she is 18 ( legal to walk into a pub alone / adult making her own decisions etc )
He ( their father ) is entitled to have a life . Their choice not to go to the house , it isn't as it he has to look after them , they can wash , cook , take themselves to bed etc
Perhaps they could meet up away from the house such as go for a walk , grab a coffee , do a joint hobby away from the gf .

PS - if I were the GF I would have run a mile by now

We have a similar situation, my DC cannot stand Dad's new gf, there have been similar situations where she has caused huge drama and had crying, screaming meltdowns. As a result both switched from 50/50 to EOW, then DD dropped even that and barely goes after an incident over prom pick up.

I've done everything I can, they've got yo the stage now after so much drama that she breathes and they're annoyed. I try to point out the times when her actions are well meaning but the damage is done, there have been do many incidents and tbh it's,really hard to defend some of the stuff this woman has done, she behaves like a child at times.

I have no advice, I think all you can do is support them from your end and not force them to go there. It sucks, honestly.

Have there been other partners in the last 6 years? What is it about the GF they don’t like?

I think everyone is being a bit unreasonable in this situation and things are probably being exaggerated a bit. You ex is entitled to a romantic relationship and entitled to have anyone he likes at his home. That being said, he's an idiot to have done this in such a careless and thoughtless manner. While the GF is correct in that kids don't get to dictate an adults relationship, any good father would have approached this in a way to lessen any drama.

My SSs were 13 and 14 when I started seeing DH. They have different mum's and the boy who's mum was DHs recent ex hadn't quite accepted the split as they used to split up and get back together a lot and his mum was making our that they would reconcile again. Other SS was just happy to see his dad happy as he knew he hasn't been with the ex and SS actually disliked the ex. DH had 50:50 and I would only see him when the kids weren't there. When things got more serious DH told the boys about me and said the could decide when they wanted to meet me. I met them both separately as they were ready at different times. Everything was done slowly and gradually and with the kids in mind. I only ever came round for a few hours once or twice a week and it was a while before I stayed over. Before we moved in together, got engaged, any big milestone, my DH discussed it with the kids. Not that he would have allowed them to dictate his life but he preferred to get their feelings on it and do things in a way that made them more comfortable. I have a great relationship with the boys now. I never tried to force things with them and allowed out relationship to develop organically. One SS even lives with us full time.

I think as often is the case, the GF has been thrown under the bus here when really the blame should be firmly at dad's door. It's his responsibility to manage both his relationship with GF and with his kids. If he's cancelled on the kids in favour of his GF that's on him not her. He has created all this hostility because all the kids see is that everything was fine before she came along. I'm not saying she's completely innocent here but she's been put into a situation where she's ended up the bad guy because her BF has been selfish and careless.

The fact the kids still want 50:50 despite claiming to dislike the GF being there suggests that they think this is some sort of competition.

Ultimately all you can do is your best for them on your end. Perhaps point out to them that their dad is the issue here and not the GF. But at the end of the day if he wants to make decisions that impact his relationship with his kids then that's on him.

I was that age when my Dad brought the new woman home. It didn't go well. In retrospect it was a combination of us teenagers being angry at Dad moving on, hating the changes at his house, and the GF being quite unpleasant as a person.
You need to stay out of it, be a safe place tocome home to. Therapy for the kids in their own, maybe with their Dad, definitely not with the girlfriend.

Do you have a new partner? I'm wondering how they react to that or the thought of that.

@Thatsenoughadulting I think your post is beautifully balanced and it sounds like you and their dad did everything completely right. You are absolutely right when you say it's not about letting the kids dictate, it's about letting things happen at a pace they can handle and cope with. It will benefit everyone if the transition is smooth rather than going at it with entitlement and hard headedness.

He obviously handled it badly and is still doing so. But an 18 year old is an adult, she had left school and was about to go to university. She really shouldn't expect to be only seeing her dad on his own in his house by this stage. Why is she coming home from university every weekend too? Does it indicate a reluctance to move into adulthood? I realise there could be many other reasons of course.

You also only have one side of the story about the girlfriend. If she was saying she shouldn't have been there, but felt pushed into it by him, I would have sympathy. All the drama is for him to sort out, all you can do is provide a calm space and encourage your kids to behave maturely, even if the grown ups aren't.

Is this his first relationship since the split. Are they uncomfortable with her stuff being there because it was their family home. Or that it is theirs and their dads home and feel this woman is trying to muscle in.

Is this just about her becoming part of their dads life and they are jealous. Sounds a bit more like the DC are being unreasonable or just not coping very well with the change.