Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

He's a real piece of work isn't he. If the parents left them money then they are legally entitled to it...Good idea to ask them to ask him - sounds like they are going to need to be very persistent. Maybe they need to mention some legal terms if it was left properly. I'm guessing he was happy for 50/50 to avoid paying you anything.

Yes, he said initially that i ‘couldn’t take the kids’ when I left him, this after he had very little to do with them. He refused to mention what he called ‘The M word (maintenance) and then said he’d not give me a penny (he didn’t for 4.5 years). He made the divorce process expensive and slow, deliberate acts to wear me down and hid and tampered with assets to make them worthless. Hideous. The money for the children was given to me to invest (which I thought was odd at the time, but now I realise his parents must have known better than I what he was like), he said he’d invest it, which like a dunce I said was fine as long as his parents agreed. I didn’t go with him to check their agreement… but now (his parents since dead) he says he can’t release the money. I think he means ‘won’t’. During the divorce I wanted the investments for the children identified and put into my care, he told the court that his parents had taken the money back. He’s prepared to lie even to the courts. Incredible.

The money was gifted before they died, no documents involved. I was asked to pay the £ into their child trust funds but he had other ideas. So annoyed with myself for handing the money over to him. The children know about it and I keep encouraging them to get it back. He will have his tax situation well sewn up. He’s a very astute guy.

Yes he’s lying I mean of course he could get the money. Maybe he’s spent it or is just sitting on it. The kids need to be proactive I think. Keep asking. But if he says he doesn’t even have internet banking.. although probably lying. Goodness I don’t know why they want to spend time with this man. He sounds terrible in every way. The GF seems to be the last of their problems!

I think the kids are not on for being anything to her. They find it difficult to even say hello or smile, as they have been required (by dad) to do. They defo couldn’t pull off a killing her with kindness idea. I have explained to them that GF looks to be in for the long haul and maybe they need to try to get along; which quite a few posters have suggested should occur. They are defo not on for that. I respect their views, but at the same time The feud is causing them a lot of anxiety.

This thread is terrifying. The power of teenagers.

Would anything change if Dad sold the house, married GF, and purchased a new house with her?

Or should dad stay single forever?

This thread is terrifying. The power of teenagers.

Oh yes, not to mention the power of those with separated parents

Seems to be like the only person here who has any power is the awful dad!

I suspect dad's absolutely loving playing these people off.

This would be unlikely. In our 17 years of marriage he refused to sell the house (I moved in after he bought), and even after 3 kids and joint efforts to renovate, he refused to put me as a joint owner, despite having sold my house and putting the proceeds into his bank account, then when we split, he said the house was his and he would object to any suggestion otherwise. He did, of course, get put right by the judge. Of course, he could act differently with current GF.

I think you’re right.

The “kids” are all young adults, who don’t seem to like or want to see their dad so don’t understand why they still do?

I think your dc need to understand that their dad is entitled to a relationship. Yes they got off to a rocky start perhaps because your eldest wasn’t expecting her to be there but quite frankly the whole situation is ridiculous, kids don’t call the shots. They aren’t babies and can understand that their parents have lives too. Thankfully my dc weren’t like your and accepted my now dh straight away and my stepdaughter accepted me, they were late teens.

Yes, I wonder whether you and/or your dh did things any differently to achieve that? I also have a partner who the children think is great and they want to spend time with, they have been treated well by him, the whole relationship has been entirely differently managed to achieve that. I am sure if exH and GF had approached things with consideration for the children they might have warmed to GF by now. They did suggest to dad last year about having short meet ups out with GF to try to develop a relationship, but that has rarely occurred, and when it did, it was largely not an enjoyed experience due to things said/done by either dad or GF to cause upset. Mostly it’s been confrontational stuff at occurring at the home. For example, dd invited friends over to dads for a sleepover party. GF knew about the party and had said she would stay at her own house to accommodate dd. However, GF turned up unexpectedly at the party and stayed over. Dd was immediately anxious about GF’s intentions due to past experiences of GF being confrontational. GF went to bed, but at midnight, got up and yelled at dd in front of her friends because they were keeping her awake. (Seemingly, as friends were using the toilet the door was banging shut which was causing the noise). The next morning at 7am GF crept into the room where dd and friends were sleeping, GF climbed over the sleeping friends and woke dd to apologise for her behaviour the night before. This was done loudly and woke everyone. GF was gone by 10am, to relief of dd and friends, who were feeling uncomfortable in her presence. Later dad phoned dd and gave her a hard time for upsetting GF. It appears to be GF’s manner and way of doing things that creates friction.

@Lysco dd invited friends over to dads for a sleepover party the 18 or 16 yo? How many of them?
i do think you and your adult/late teen dc have triangulation going on when it’s very much you and them against the evil ex and his gf.
how noisy were they actually being? Are they very young for their ages? They seem as do you to have no accountability for any of their actions other than to be poor victims who get told off!

But OP, just from what you've described GF sounds like she has a personality disorder or something. I don't think it's unreasonable for a separated or single parent to want to date but if you choose to date someone that behaves like she does the you will alienate people.

Well that’s from what op describes and am aware that we only get an op’s side of the story, however op and the adult/teen dc believe that her ex and his partner shouldn’t move furniture in the home or change things without their involvement and agreement!

That's what gets me though. We've got the OP who is encouraging the kids not to blame her, give her a chance, try to get on with her and OP's side of the story is still some very concerning behaviour by this woman. I'm not so concerned about the moving furniture but the lost of behaviours I mentioned earlier.

Hi, I don’t think GF is evil. OP on this post have said I am gas lighting my kids by trying to look at things from GF’s perspective, which I am pretty good at trying to see things from all sides. Dd is now 17 and is about right, maybe a little maturer than average for age. My experience of her friends are that they are all very thoughtful and respectful, quiet and studious, heading for uni to do serious courses. It’s a good question re how noisy were they being, and it was my second question, after what time the incident occurred. Dd said they were watching a film downstairs (where they all slept) and the door making the noise was the furthest end of the house to bedroom used by dad/GF. Bear in mind the house is ginormous and its a very old house with solid concrete floors upstairs which prevents noise carry. The offending door is spring-loaded and creaks. There were 8 friends I think. Having accommodated such sleepovers myself, it is noisy just having chatting happening when you’re trying to sleep - I am sure every parent knows. I would also suggest at intervals to keep noise lower. As I posted initially, its more the manner in which the incidents occur and the way they are handled that creates upset.

The furniture moving thing is being taken out of context, I didn’t explain it very well. The older 2 have had 6 years being only females in dads house. They have taken on role of cooking/washing/tidying the house. This has included decorating rooms -painting, wall papering, selecting soft furnishings etc. They are both very artistic with a nice eye for design - so not probably typical for their ages. Bear in mind dads is their home since birth and they still reside there 50% of time except for eldest now being at uni. GF also has her own home, though lives with dad 50% . The children find it upsetting that they return to dads and sweeping changes have been made without it being discussed - changes to things the children have done just the previous week, as well as things that the children did when they were very young, or things being changed in their bedrooms. I think it feels unsettling. I should say also that I was not allowed by ex to retrieve my personal belongings from the house when I left (he changed the locks and refused me access and said anything I wanted I needed to get through the courts, I didn’t because I couldn’t afford to use a solicitor just for household stuff/accumulated personal items) so a lot of things in the house the children are very attached to as reminding them of my presence (I don’t think GF realises this, so no judgement here, and things do need to move on). So photos of the kids, great grandma’s tea set/vases/lamps/trinkets/souvenirs bought on past holidays etc. Just stuff that to GF have no value, but are sentimental to the kids - these get removed/thrown out etc. Bear in mind the poor relationship between children and GF. Bear in mind that there has arisen, I think, a sense of each trying to gain superiority over the other. So, these changes cause more hard feelings. I understand it is a very difficult situation for GF and the children. I try to be fair to the kids feelings and also try to be fair to GF when kids come to me with their feelings. The problem is definitely that dad and GF are not managing the situation with emotional intellect and bad feelings arose early on and have festered and accumulated. I also accept it is much easier my end; self and kids have created a new home which we have decorated together and everything in it has been a shared experience. We all know that the rubbish painting on the hall-side table has meaning because we created it together. When we make changes it is done after discussion, and usually we do things together anyway. My BF has made zero changes in our house, unless it has been discussed, agreed and requested. Again though, totally different dynamics between kids and BF to the dynamics at dads. Children put in requests to my BF; can you put me some shelves/hooks/paintings up? Etc. He checks their requirements and does what they have asked. Bf is very thoughtful to not step on kids toes. He even takes his toothbrush and slippers away every week so kids don’t feel uncomfortable. There are stark differences in the 2 households, which is also hard for kids to weigh up.

Yes, for sure it is the concerning behaviours that are difficult to navigate and cause the kids to feel so uncomfortable with GF. I think kids have got to point now where even the sound of GF’s laugh grates on their nerves. They tell me this in total knowledge that it is an irrational reaction. I accept there are readers/responders on this post that have been in GF’s shoes that can feel GF’s pain. And OP that have been in BF/dads/mums/kids shoes. We all come to situations from different histories/experiences. I think it is not helpful to describe GF as evil, or kids as entitled.

I don't think she's necessarily evil but her behaviour is very abnormal for a grown woman. I can see where their irrational reaction comes from and it's probably a protective thing because they've realised that this is a disordered person and they have to be careful around her because she might kick off.

I'm personally a big believer in teaching people to identify concerning behaviour in others and how to protect themselves from it.

It should only be terrifying to people who are shit parents and/or really poor at managing relationships. The rest of us seem able to understand various perspectives, even the abusive ex/father.

Of course the father is entitled to his feelings and his relationship, and to conduct that however he sees fit. The kids are entitled to feel how they feel about that. I’m sure you’re not saying you behaved like the GF, moving in after two weeks, shouting and swearing at your now SD, throwing away possessions from your partners home with no consideration? If you did you’re very lucky your SD accepted you.

Thanks for your support. Luckily for my DC, the relationship with GF has now ended for good, police involved. She threatened to shoot exH with a shotgun and then accused him of rape. My children were right not to trust her, and I would like OP on this post, who suggested my kids were toxic for not accepting this tragic woman into their home, and said they should not be calling the shots on their dads relationship, to eat their words. Not all GF’s are sweetness and light, kids deserve to have their voices heard in the houses they live in. Thank god GF is no longer trusted or thought of by exH as a decent human being. Thank god my kids were bought up to be decent and thoughtful people because that good training enabled them to spot a fraud a mile off.