Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

Why are your children so against the new gf? I think you need to look at how you are handling this to make sure that you aren’t saying anything negative about her. You need to help your children see that it’s ok for their dad to move on. That they can have a relationship with the new gf without disrespecting you and that you will be fine with it.

My ex husband remarried when our daughters were 16 and 14 - they love her and I’m glad they get on so well.

You’ve not said anything in your OP which suggests that the new GF is a bad person, just that your children resent her moving into the house because they are being territorial.

I don’t understand this kind of immature carry on from someone who is 18.

My 20 year old continued to visit at weekends as she still had a job in the locality. She has now stopped the w/e working and rarely comes home at w/e’s. To some extent, I think the children are trying to compete with GF for dads affection. I should say, dads home is beautiful and huge and they like having parties there with their friends. They also have huge bedrooms there, bedrooms they have had since birth. My place is pretty small. They also get to see their aunt whilst they are they. She and their grandad did majority of the 50/50 care as dad was mostly absent for his time with the children.

‘It was upsetting that dad arranged many special events with the children and then let them down, last minute’.

And here is the real problem and the real crux of the issue. Their dad is the one treating them poorly and it’s easier for them to blame the new GF and to misplace their anger, rather than holding him accountable for his behaviour. You need to help them see this.

Hi, the GF was poorly introduced to the children. The 18 y/o, now 20, was introduced to her once or twice, did not know her when she moved in to the family home. The other two children had met her once at the pub for a drink. It was very fast and they had no relationship or knowledge of her at all. They found ot very awkward sharing house with her. Dad didn’t really know her either, so the children said at the time. It was a shock to them. GF was very shouty. Was calling dad names and being verbally abusive to him, with lots of swearing. This was also a shock as we have never been this sort of family. There were big fights in the first 3 or 4 months. GF moved in/out several times. Dad blamed the children for ruining his relationship. Kids were very upset by this. GF would tell them they were not allowed in parts of the house. She removed their photo from dads screen saver, replacing it with herself. She locked the 16 y/o in the car with her for over an hour and told her off for talking disrespectfully to her dad. She stopped dad from taking phone calls from them on his week off, they would be faced just by an answer phone, something neither of us have ever used before, especially not for our children. The answer phone was automated to switch on at a precise time every week when his 50% care was over. At Christmas she said they wanted to be on their own without the children. Dad didn’t make a decision about that until xmas day itself when he left them in their beds to spend xmas and boxing day with GF (who had moved back to her own house by then). I have repeatedly told the children that GF cannot make dad do anything he doesn’t want to do, so they should focus any of their upset towards dad rather than GF. (I should say that dad was financially abusive and a coercive controller towards me - I was shut down by him in every conceivable way in our 17 year marriage. I left him due to this when the eldest was 20. Initially, on a phone call where GF was yelling at my 16 yo and being abusive to her, I took the phone and tried to find out what was happening. At that time, I warned GF that she was at risk, but she just yelled at me down the phone. I have stayed away since then.)

The problem is that their father hasn’t treated them right by canceling special occasions and they are deflecting it onto the girlfriend.

If the gf is as bad as you say, your children wouldn’t want to stay there imo.

I have told them that GF is not to blame. It is dad that should be the one to ensure he is there for them. Dad should be the one to guide GF in her dealings with the children. It is a very difficult situation and I have no idea of the dynamics between them. As an example, there was a bbq in the summer. The hostess specifically told dad not to bring GF (seemingly hostess dislikes GF), dad took the children. GF appears to have on a phone tracker and showed up at the bbq. Dad told kids to stay in the garden whilst he headed off to the front driveway to talk to GF. Youngest child, despite being told not to by older, went to see what was happening. He said there was lots of shouting and swearing and arm waving from GF. She eventually drove off at speed. Dad rejoined. The event was ruined and kids felt concerned that she would return and make a scene. There have been lots of incidents like this. I have tried to suggest the children put it all behind them, it could be that GF is /was just feeling insecure, and maybe they could suggest a few outings to get to know her better. They have refused. They say she is toxic. As a person that was down trodded by him for many years, I accept that I am the sort of person that tries to smooth things over and keep being nice when I shouldn’t. My kids tell me that I am trying to be too nice to GF and it isn’t deserved. So, to answer OP thread, no, I have not been negative about GF.

Why did dad get to keep the large and beautiful family home? You have the kids 50/50 and I thought the norm was that marital assets were shared. Did he buy you out? Because on the face of it, a coercive controlling man, keeping the biggest asset from a marriage in a divorce, also looks like this might need revisiting.

This is so tough because they’re at an age where this must be so difficult- they’re heading into adulthood and their dad and mum are not only not together (just saying and I don’t mean anything by it x) but they’ve been introduced as if the new gf is part and parcel with their dad. They shouldn’t see or know about drama in the same way I honestly believe kids should be shielded from any arguments that are anything more than a disagreement. On the other side of this this is a relationship and saying the new gf is demanding attention etc, she’s in a relationship, she’s going to want attention from her partner isn’t she? And she’s now navigating that with teens about who don’t like her. It’s tough all doing, all you can do is be there and not add fuel to what is already a large fire which I know will be difficult but they don’t need their mum weighing in/ making comments on her ex and his new gf’s behaviour. They can’t be chatted to like they’re adult friends on this, it’s not fair to them (not saying you’d do this)

GF moved out a while back, and now only goes to dads house when the children are with me. This has resolved much of the problems. There are still clashes, as she arrives on the dot of changeover every week. Begins unpacking her stuff, puts her stuff in the fridge, brushes past the kids as they are packing up to leave. They are now mostly just frosty with each other. Dad does keep trying to secure a friendship but I think a lot of damage has been done over the past 2 years.

The thing to bear in mind, @Lyscois that if your ex was controlling and coercive with you, he’ll be the same with any other woman he’s with and the dynamic isn’t going to be healthy for the kids to observe as a result.

I think it’s possibly too late to fix the situation re: your children and their dad and the gf. Too much has been said on either side but your children need to learn that they can’t control who their father lives with and it’s also not for them to have an opinion about it. If they keep quiet, they don’t put themselves in any crossfire.

If I were you, I would encourage your children to tell their father that he has hurt them by cancelling special occasions.

I think with your kids becoming adults there can be a transition in how family relationships work. The 50:50 at this age is unusual, is it really want they want or is it more territorial?

I've never been convinced that the a parent should feel obliged to put a positive spin on shitty behaviour of other adults even to children, I'd stop trying to defend the GF. This woman sounds abusive and unhinged herself.

It sounds like your kids need some support to negotiate their relationship with their dad as adults and try to let go of the destructive patterns he's set with them as teenagers.

Well, thats a while BIG can of worms. In short: I had a crap solicitor who had no idea how to handle him, he lied to the courts about his finances. He is self employed, so difficult to prove his earnings. He didn’t reply to any of the solicitors requests and ignored the courts timetable. Meanwhile, he hid assets and redistributed assets to his sister. It was very stressful. I lived for 4.5 years with no finances - I had been a SAHM, managed to get a poorly paid job with government top up £ to keep a roof over our heads. I could not afford the solicitors fees (over £50k in total) and made a deal with him to being it to an early end. I used the settlement to buy a suitable house and a pension (as I had been SAHM 17 years with zero pension contributions). I have a nice enough house, just nowhere near the size/beauty of the marital home. I’ve gotten used to it. Its easy to clean!

You need to stop thinking about yourself and let the kids do what they want. They’re old enough to think for themselves, you should stay out of it because you obviously have your own feelings on his relationship, which is nothing to do with you

Yes, I don’t expect dad’s behaviour will be any better to GF than it was to me. It is very difficult to navigate because on the face of it he is very charming. Is covert with his behaviour. It isn’t easy to spot. He will not be outwardly abusive or difficult. He hides it with comments like ‘I didn’t realise/know/I forgot etc’ if he is confronted about deception. He is a prolific liar. It is very difficult to spot his lies. I ended up totally confused when I was with him, I wanted to believe the things he told me. Eventually certain lies were obvious, but he still wouldn’t acknowledge the lies. He does the same to the children - lies and then says he didn’t realise/know/forgot etc. I have given the children some knowledge of his treatment of me, as I agree with OP it is not healthy for the children to be around him, I want them to be properly versed to manage his ways. They don’t want to hear anything bad about dad. I understand that, he is their dad. Its a very difficult line to tread.

Yes, totally what I have been doing. Note my post was started 2 years ago. My come back post this week was by way of update. I have done nothing in those 2 years to negatively impact the relationship of dad and GF, totally the opposite, I have suggested reasons for her behaviour and encouraged the children to try to befriend her. I do have negative feelings towards dad and have shared with the children enough information to enable them to form a view as to why our marriage failed. Aside from this, I do not bad mouth him and would never try to stop the children having contact with him, hence why they still go to him 50/50.

I’m not sure how to help them to negotiate with dad. I never had any luck with negotiating anything with him. He does what he wants. I agree there are destructive patterns that have been set with him/them. I got caught in those myself. It is difficult to see the wood for the trees as the bad stuff is mixed with stuff like expensive gifts. I agree with OP that they may also be some territorial behaviours from the older two. They love the big/beautiful house and their ginormous bedrooms. They say GF has made changes they don’t like. At our house we do things following mutual discussion and agreement, so it doesn’t sit well with them to return home at dads to find things altered. GF will state its ‘dads house and he can do what he likes’, which is true, but the kids comment that its just not how we act together as a family, which is also true. In a way, it’s interesting to see how they respond and they have learned and seen a lot, stuff I’d have rather they hasn’t seen/heard, but nonetheless a learning curve for them.

I think it's very tricky for young people today because they have a lot more barriers to growing up, gaining independence and creating their own adult lives than previous generations. The continued dependence on parents can't be avoided but it makes it harder to break away from these destructive patterns.

Could they be traumatised themselves? I think they'll probably need to seek their own help for this at a time when they're ready.

Sorry I think that’s really bizarre that you and your late teen/adult dc think that they get to decide how other adults decorate layout their home! Is that what you mean by -our house we do things following mutual discussion and agreement, so it doesn’t sit well with them to return home at dads to find things altered.
you and they would expect him to say “we’re getting a new sofa, is that ok?” And if the teens/adults say no! They shouldn’t?
it does read as you and they have “we are right how we do things, you are not”

Yes my (still married) parents certainly never consulted me on the layout / decoration of their home as a young child or an adult child

Honestly your kids behaviour sounds a little unusual for their ages. They were all practically adults when she came into their lives and they reacted as you would expect much younger children to do with tantrums and ultimatum's. I'd have expected coldness and maybe some eye rolling but demanding that she leaves frankly makes them sound very unreasonable
Bring upset about their father and his girlfriend making changes in their house without consulting them is also a bit unreasonable of adults with their own lives and their own stuff going on.
Are they well adjusted generally , it does sound that they could all benefit from some therapy to help them deal with this properly . Their dad's girlfriend is in his life for years now and by the sound of things isn't going anywhere. I don't think it would kill then to be semi polite to her for their dads sake.

Your children sound as toxic as your ex and his GF - and wildly entitled!

Honestly your kids behaviour sounds a little unusual for their ages. They were all practically adults when she came into their lives and they reacted as you would expect much younger children to do with tantrums and ultimatum's. I'd have expected coldness and maybe some eye rolling but demanding that she leaves frankly makes them sound very unreasonable

This. And a previous poster wondered if the current 50/50 arrangement was purely the “children” being territorial, which is a possibility given their ages. Do they think that the best way to keep Dad/GF apart is to continue with a visiting arrangement aimed at much younger children?

What are your thoughts on the current 50/50 OP?

This, do any of them have partners? If you, their dsibs, or ddad tell them they are not to have their partner in their home, or at any family events will they agree?
if you @Lysco meet someone, will you make them leave the home they live in with you on the demands of an adult child?

I think there are several excellent points made here - approached with so much consideration for the kids, which ultimately has helped the process be smoother for everyone.

I really like the point about ensuring the kids know about the new relationship (when feel confident it’s going somewhere), then going with when the kids feel ready to meet the partner (not simply when the Mother thinks they’re ready).