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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

231 replies

Lysco · 14/03/2025 06:18

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

OP posts:
craigth162 · 14/03/2025 08:06

It sounds like they all need to grow up a bit. The 'children' are pretty much adults. They may not get on with the GF (who sounds immature too) but they can be civil and respectful. As can she. Adults also do not need custody arrangements.

Pices · 14/03/2025 08:10

I’d leave well out of it and encourage the kids to accept that their Dad has a new partner. Letting them think they have any control or that you could even intervene will only prolong the misery.

Kitchensinktoday · 14/03/2025 08:18

craigth162 · 14/03/2025 08:06

It sounds like they all need to grow up a bit. The 'children' are pretty much adults. They may not get on with the GF (who sounds immature too) but they can be civil and respectful. As can she. Adults also do not need custody arrangements.

I totally agree that adults don’t need custody arrangements but you read about it so often on MN. It’s like a pattern gets set in stone and no one knows how to break it.

Talipesmum · 14/03/2025 08:26

craigth162 · 14/03/2025 08:06

It sounds like they all need to grow up a bit. The 'children' are pretty much adults. They may not get on with the GF (who sounds immature too) but they can be civil and respectful. As can she. Adults also do not need custody arrangements.

They’re 18, 16 and 14. 18 yes, but 16 and 14 are nowhere near the maturity of adults.

Talipesmum · 14/03/2025 08:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I was thinking perhaps it’s that their dad is in the marital home, ie their childhood home? They likely feel it’s their proper home, and resent the girlfriend on their pitch, and are wanting to keep claim on it.

Not meaning to sound critical here btw - it’s a fairly natural way to think.

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 08:40

craigth162 · 14/03/2025 08:06

It sounds like they all need to grow up a bit. The 'children' are pretty much adults. They may not get on with the GF (who sounds immature too) but they can be civil and respectful. As can she. Adults also do not need custody arrangements.

Absolutely this. Dad’s been totally hamfisted but the DC are being massively entitled. So what if .GF was staying for a couple of days- who does your DD think she is trying to put her out?! If I were you, I’d remain neutral, listen if you need to but encourage your kids not to be too entrenched and petulant.

EG94 · 14/03/2025 08:43

Well I think dad didn’t start well by just surprise new gf, that seems really poorly thought out and was unlikely to set the foundations for a good relationship between the two.

I don’t know who you’re young adults, because they aren’t children, think they are to dictate what happens in a house they don’t pay rent on. That is not great on their part and I do think dad was right to say no, not on.

they’re old enough to meet dad for coffee or lunch alone if they really can’t stand the gf that much.

not clear from your posts why they dislike her so much. I think whoever dad was with they’d take against by the sounds of it.

be careful how you handle this, if you pander to it and say dads wrong he should never have a life as well as being your father and your demands should be listened to, that might come back to bite you if you get a new partner and they behave the same

grumpyoldeyeore · 14/03/2025 08:45

ExH didn’t want dc much and they ended up with me 100% except for odd meal or movie and very occasional holiday. They much preferred one home - as teens their focus was friends and school work not parents, they weren’t exactly hanging out with me either. I’d just make it clear if they choose to go to dads then it’s on understanding he has a live in gf and that’s not going to change and they need to accept it. As far as cancelling goes that’s hard but they will learn he’s unreliable. Does 14 year old fall out with the gf or just been caught up / having his time spoilt by the dad/daughter drama? Maybe he should go different times. They clearly don’t want to live with gf so it does seem they are insisting on going to try and force dad to pick them over gf and then getting upset when he doesn’t. I’d be encouraging them to focus on their own lives - friends, schoolwork, hobbies, parttime jobs etc maybe suggest a month when they stay overnight 100% with you - just see dad for meals or events and let things settle down. Maybe after a month they will realise they prefer not having the drama and having one calm home is better. I would want them with me if they were that stressed out and unhappy.

Daisyvodka · 14/03/2025 08:48

I think dad and gf aren't behaving very well at all, but I'm wondering if your eldest was speaking on behalf of her siblings - when I first read it i thought that they'd never met the girlfriend before but it transpires your daughter had. While not ideal, I'm surprised an 18 year old would have this much of an issue with the gf staying over for a couple of days? Maybe you can expand more on how they've actually clashed, as you've talked about lot about various parties reactions to clashes, (and a couple of notes on the girlfriend behaving badly) but what were the clashes between August and November that meant they weren't getting on with her?

Snoken · 14/03/2025 08:49

EG94 · 14/03/2025 08:43

Well I think dad didn’t start well by just surprise new gf, that seems really poorly thought out and was unlikely to set the foundations for a good relationship between the two.

I don’t know who you’re young adults, because they aren’t children, think they are to dictate what happens in a house they don’t pay rent on. That is not great on their part and I do think dad was right to say no, not on.

they’re old enough to meet dad for coffee or lunch alone if they really can’t stand the gf that much.

not clear from your posts why they dislike her so much. I think whoever dad was with they’d take against by the sounds of it.

be careful how you handle this, if you pander to it and say dads wrong he should never have a life as well as being your father and your demands should be listened to, that might come back to bite you if you get a new partner and they behave the same

I think the answer to your fourth paragraph is in your first one. They don't like her because their dad handled the situation horribly bullish. Some kids are more fragile than others and these particular kids are all teenagers which is possibly the very hardest time of life to introduce a new partner. In addition to this, she has moved her stuff into their childhood home which they are used to having to themselves with their dad. It was their safe space most likely and he's not being respectful of their feelings at all. The animosity has been cause because their dad has effectively told them that the new girlfriend is now his priority and if they don't like it, tough, they don't need to come around then.

Mumofteenandtween · 14/03/2025 09:03

A lot of the problem was that it was A level results day. Which is a ridiculously emotional day anyway. I have memories of sobbing for 20 minutes because my favourite top was not dry.

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 10:14

Mumofteenandtween · 14/03/2025 09:03

A lot of the problem was that it was A level results day. Which is a ridiculously emotional day anyway. I have memories of sobbing for 20 minutes because my favourite top was not dry.

Is this an OP name change fail or are you just making things up?

Talipesmum · 14/03/2025 10:16

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 10:14

Is this an OP name change fail or are you just making things up?

Show quote history

I think the poster you quoted is talking about her own memories of a level results day and how it was an emotional day for her. This is relevant because the OP’s daughter first encountered the dad’s girlfriend in the family home when she’d come home early from a holiday in order to collect her a level results.

Thatsenoughadulting · 14/03/2025 10:17

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 10:14

Is this an OP name change fail or are you just making things up?

Show quote history

It states in the original post that the DD returned home early from holiday to collect her A level results so it could be a possibility that she was already feeling a certain way about her results and dad and his GF got the brunt of it.

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 10:32

Talipesmum · 14/03/2025 10:16

I think the poster you quoted is talking about her own memories of a level results day and how it was an emotional day for her. This is relevant because the OP’s daughter first encountered the dad’s girlfriend in the family home when she’d come home early from a holiday in order to collect her a level results.

Show quote history

it's not relevant because we don't know that's how OP's daughter was feeling. The posted I quoted is just projecting her own experience, if it's not a name change fail.

Mumofteenandtween · 14/03/2025 10:48

If you check my posting history (which under this name is a good couple of years old) you will discover 2 kids and a 2 decade long marriage. So I’m pretty sure I’m not the OP.

We don’t know how the OP’s daughter felt but I find it surprising that anyone doesn’t remember A level results day as high emotion. Even if everything goes brilliantly (and I got 4 As so it is a day of good memories for me) there is still the realisation that you are leaving home and all your friends very very soon. The dad is a bloody idiot in my view for not realising it.

Talipesmum · 14/03/2025 11:49

Mumofteenandtween · 14/03/2025 10:48

If you check my posting history (which under this name is a good couple of years old) you will discover 2 kids and a 2 decade long marriage. So I’m pretty sure I’m not the OP.

We don’t know how the OP’s daughter felt but I find it surprising that anyone doesn’t remember A level results day as high emotion. Even if everything goes brilliantly (and I got 4 As so it is a day of good memories for me) there is still the realisation that you are leaving home and all your friends very very soon. The dad is a bloody idiot in my view for not realising it.

Yes exactly. It’s not just like any other day. That’s going to feel different to different people, but it hardly feels like a sensible time to ramp up a relationship.

I am not saying the dad is wrong to have a relationship. Of course he can. Just that he hasn’t helped himself by how he has gone about it.

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 12:27

I have the same situation, although my DC are adults now. They still hate DSM.

I stayed completely out of it, only intervening once, when DS was allergic to her dog, asking if the dog could not be at XH house when DS stayed over. This caused WW3 so I stopped doing anything other than supporting the DC emotionally.

I know it’s hard to sit on your hands, but the kids need to deal with their dad themselves and are old enough to do so.

Just be there to mop up.

Hoplolly · 14/03/2025 12:33

craigth162 · 14/03/2025 08:06

It sounds like they all need to grow up a bit. The 'children' are pretty much adults. They may not get on with the GF (who sounds immature too) but they can be civil and respectful. As can she. Adults also do not need custody arrangements.

Completely agree with this. OP, your DD is an adult, let her deal with it in her own way.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 14/03/2025 12:38

Are the kids not too old for 50/50 split between houses now? They can choose which house they want to be in on any given day, and can meet their father for meals out etc.

Snoken · 14/03/2025 12:53

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 14/03/2025 12:38

Are the kids not too old for 50/50 split between houses now? They can choose which house they want to be in on any given day, and can meet their father for meals out etc.

It sounds like OP has suggested that they no longer do 50/50 but the kids actually wants that. I think the dad has sort of checked out of parenting now that the kids are older and he doesn't get that they probably need him more than ever, at least on an emotional level. Parenting teens is super hard and him being obstinate isn't helping his relationship with his kids or his kids relationship with his new partner.

cherry2924 · 14/03/2025 12:54

Could it be that the near adult children are stuck in a loyalty bind and not hearing what they need to hear from their mother…that it is ok for them to get to know and like the new partner?

I personally think it needs to start with this approach as if the kids don’t have the mums approval to be ok with the new gf then a positive bond of any kind is not going to happen between dad or dads gf because the kids r stuck having to choose between mum and dad. If it doesn’t start with mum encouraging the kids to do the right thing and take time to get to know new gf and them not feeling as though theyr betraying their mum then there will be no way the kids will have relationship positive with dad or new gf as they will feel theyr being dis-loyal to mum.

It needs to start with mum being ok with dads new gf and the kids seeing that before any bonds can be built.

best of luck

Julimia · 14/03/2025 13:44

I don't think they are calling the shots but are just living in hopes that one day dad is going to become (or revert to) the sort of dad they want (know) him to be.

KmcK87 · 14/03/2025 13:50

What is the actual issue with the gf? Is it just that they don’t want her there? If so they’re being quite unreasonable if she hasn’t actually done anything.

Beexxxx · 14/03/2025 13:56

Whether you decide to do family therapy or not I think you need to get your kids into therapy themselves. I think if you do decide to do family therapy you need to insist on some sessions with just you, dad and the kids and then invite her to be involved. The fact your kids feel comfortable expressing their feelings to their dad is actually really healthy but I am concerned that your son is possibly starting to lose that ability. As someone who has never felt comfortable sticking up for myself it really has a knock on effect your whole life so please try to be weary of that. Maybe have a discussion with the kids why they want to keep 50:50, do they actually want this or are they feeling pressured to keep it by their dad? Obviously keeping a relationship with their dad is so important but being forced to endure something volatile like this could have serious consequences.