Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

But these are actual “kids”. Early teens, not young adults as in ops example who are having strops if their dad moves furniture without their approval!

Team kids here. The two adults handled this appallingly. It's not just about not liking her, but her presence totally changes the dynamic. Poor kids. Father sounds like a selfish arsehole. Puts her before his kids. I would never do that.

@poppinjaypollyI know. I’m just saying I think it’s nice to try to be considerate. Of course older kids, perhaps with fluctuating hormones thrown into the mix, are not always going to behave rationally. A challenging situation to navigate for all involved at the best of times I’m guessing.

I think it is significant that the children live 50% with their dad and it is the (former) family home. That is the actual childrens home and their father has brought a new GF in, not their mum. It was their safe space in former days when their parents were still together- it IS THEIR home, so to them the new person is a big thing to adjust to and a space invader. I think their father has handled the situation really badly to everyone's detriment. Does he realise he could be destroying his relationship with the children permanently as he feels it is HIS house?

The only choice your DC have is not to stay at their half time home so often - they are old enough now to choose. It means you have less free time and are having to deal with the fallout. Be a listening ear for them but don't try to cajole them into seeing their father more - they need you to be there for them.

I really disagree with posters saying that the kids were practically adult when dad met gf and effectively moved her in. Even at 18, a person is still maturing. 14 and 16 are definitely not adults and kids at these ages are going through a lot hormonally and with school exams, even without divorce and having to navigate new partners!

I can see how massively disturbing it would be to come home as a teen ( and it is their home in a 50/50 arrangement, plus it being the family house and finding some other woman there, bossing them around and changing things. If she's the kind of loon who pressures a weak and pathetic man into changing his screensaver and not calling his kids during "mum's" week, it's totally understandable that they kicked off and hate her. Much easier to hate the new gf than to put the blame where it squarely belongs, which is on their shit of a father who put them all in this situation by rushing in and showing little care for their feelings. Kids are inclined to love their parents no matter what and to make excuses for them. It's not bratty or entitled to feel massive resentment and disappointment or to dislike the gf. She does sound awful.

This is why I'm wondering if the trauma of how their dad handled the split and introduced his batshit GF in is almost keeping them younger. It seems like they are holding on to their memories of their childhood home and engaging in a territory war with this woman who has to move out when they are there.

On the contrary, they are great human beings. They have great feedback from teachers and community leaders. I guess I have always been inclusive and taken their views and opinions on board. This was how I was brought up to be, and I have a great relationship with my parents. My mum still asks me for my opinion on all sorts of things :)

I agree and am surprised that there have been so many comments on here dissing my lovely children (who they have never met) who are in fact exemplary at school and outside, are very polite and helpful, help out at a charity, and get glowing school reports. Regards being adults: Nothing amazing happens on the day you turn 18. Brain not fully developed till 25. Wisdom still occurring aged 50. I would not expect a teen to handle an emotional situation as well as an older person (and there are plenty of terribly behaved adults with zero emotional intelligence).

I would not say they are ’’younger’ than their ages. They are very mature and sensible. For example youngest is doing Duke of Edinburgh award and carried (all day) the rucksack of another child who was struggling with an injury, despite struggling himself (he was commended by the organisers for his caring and maturity). They have been heavily supported by other adults in the wider family (and me) but I would agree there was a lot of trauma around the manner of GF introduction and beyond. There were also upsets like the children not been given a key to dads house, whereas GF has been given her own key from very early on in the relationship, using this at times to gain access to the house late at night, when the children were in bed, screaming verbal abuse at dad, which was pretty unsettling for them and definitely not something to which they ate accustomed.

Have you ever considered reporting him to the police for the crime of Coercive control and financial abuse?
He sounds like an absolute horror.

Your ex is toxic and abusive so I’m not surprised he’s in a volatile and unstable relationship with GF. She is probably the perfect match for him.
Your children have had to learn that their dad is not someone who has their best interests at heart nor protects them. He is a horrific parent and that’s hard to come to terms with.
They have the choice whether to see him or not and luckily have a close and loving bond with you .

The gf sounds like a pain - shouting and swearing and calling the father names?? - but why should the children stop going to the home the grew up in, in an area where the friends live?

I think I'd encourage your kids to focus on the parts of their lives that are going well and the things that do bring out the best in them. The dynamic with dad and psycho GF is a toxic one but at least it's just one part of their life. Hopefully as they get older it will become a smaller part.

Yeah but that’s just what the children say and they are obviously set against the gf aren’t they? I’m not saying they lie about everything but there are certainly multiple sides to every story.

Absolutely, pretty sad how much the ex and his partner must have every aspect of the visit of the dc fed back in such a nasty way.

Well anything anyone writes on the board is ‘just what they say’, there’s no corroborating evidence for any thread. Of course others in the situation will have different perspectives but if you’re going to choose to disbelieve the information presented then what’s the purpose of engaging at all?

Yes, I think the children are set against the Gf and, taken at face value, the way the father has handled it, and the way the gf has behaved, are the explanations for that. They’re allowed to dislike her, and/or the change in their father since she’s been on the scene, they’re allowed to express that and they’re allowed to live in their home. Leaving them in bed on Christmas day and sneaking out without telling them? What a bellend, and what a fool the gf is to condone that. He’s their father, he (along with OP) brought them into the world, he can’t just opt out when it suits him and if he does, the consequence is pissed off kids.

Sadly, it seems that some people can just opt out of parenting.

Honestly OP, now you are away from the situation I'd be inclined to see a better legal advisor about your settlement. I'm not certain, but I would think there's a way to challenge an unfair settlement if it emerges that a person has hidden earnings/assets and that you were coerced into settling and denied the financial means to pay for decent legal representation.

So far as the kids are concerned, all you can really do is continue to love them and be the parent they deserve. Be truthful with them about his behaviour towards you, don't try to defend the gf - she is as much of a shit as their dad! Eventually they will see him for who he really is and distance themselves from him, which is sad but will protect them from further hurt.

It’s not the same thing because the OP herself is reporting 3rd hand information. Tbh she sounds quite balanced about it all. But it’s more than possible that her children are angry with their father and are taking it out on the girlfriend.

It seems odd to me that they would keep on visiting if this woman is so insufferable and I also think that 2 years in, she’s here to stay and the children should stop expecting her to leave when they’re there.

Of course, but people have asked her for context and that’s what she has. You’re describing her as balanced while also saying her kids might be lying. I don’t really understand where you’re coming from. From what the OP says, they are not ‘visiting’, it’s their childhood home and they live there half the time.

I understand, from the children, that dad was forced into leaving kids alone on xmas day because GF wanted to have a romantic twosome. She did say this to them 2 months prior to xmas. He didn’t pass onto the children that he was going to leave them alone on xmas day. So it was still a shock when it happened. She said Xmas and NY will never be the same again, get used to it. Kids were devastated. I don’t think they understand why he would set them aside. I feel a failure for selecting him as a dad.

I did look into resurrecting divorce settlement but it will involve a lot of £. Will need a forensic accountant. I don’t want to give my mental health over to it. I was looking over my shoulder the whole time of my divorce, worried about his behaviour to me, which at times was physically aggressive. I don’t want that again. It was horrendous.

Yes. You have understood correctly. Childhood home. I don’t blame GF. Dad should be managing situation, but he doesn’t. To some extent I understand GF’s rantings at dad, she says (according to the children) he has ‘no fucking bollocks’. I would agree. I think her view is he hasn’t got her back, though I personally feel that rather than having her back, he should have the childrens’ backs. It’s a rubbish situation. I don’t see it resolving. Its been like this for almost 2 years. 😵‍💫 I don’t want the children to lose respect for dad (though possibly they already have :( , nor do I want them to become estranged from him. I can’t interfere. What to do? Suggestions?

Yes. Thanks for saying. Doesn't stop me from feeling crap about my choice of marrying him, having not 1, but 3 (!) kids with him. Luckily they have turned out great though. Very proud of them. Just not so proud of self.

I had a police presence when I left. They were brilliant and wanted me to take him to court. I was too frightened. Pathetic I know, but I had never experienced anything like it. It was overwhelming, I was terrified in case he turned on me/the kids. I kept my head down. Still do. I didn’t realise at the time how he’d controlled me. Now I just feel like I am super lucky to be out of it. And despite everything, I still feel bad towards GF, because I have failed to get across to her how destructive he is. (the police were great BTW, very supportive).

You can’t beat yourself up over your ex husband because without him you wouldn’t have your three wonderful children.
As for them losing respect for him or if they become estranged from him that’s his comeuppance and maybe for the best. They like you might find relief from not having a toxic person in their life too.
As for GF she sounds as bad as your ex and not for you to warn her unless you want it to blow up in your face.