Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

He handled the initial introduction of the GF spectacularly badly, but are his children going to hold that against him forever? The children are close to being adults now, it’s unreasonable for them to expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. It sounds like they tried to call the shots and it backfired, with him choosing the girlfriend over them which isn’t unusual.

I think you just need to be there to support your children but not be too involved. Once the damage has been done it’s hard to repair. My grandad introduced his girlfriend to teenage children over forty years ago and my aunt hated her for the rest of her life, would never be in the same room with her, then was cut out of the will when she died.

It would be useful to know if this is the first GF since you two split up; also whether you have a new partner.
However, this is just written from your point of view and you don't seem that supportive of the new GF and I wonder if the children have picked up on this and you are fuelling the fire (whether you are actively dissing GF or not).
I have been on both sides of this and it is hard however you have to accept that their dad has a right to an adult relationship with someone else and you need to support your children as well as standing up for this right.

I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet.
This is a very dramatic reaction for mid-late teens to a parent who's been split for 6 years having a partner.
Have you had a partner, or do you tell them you'll never ever have one if they don't want you to?

Forgot to add that one of the reasons I think that you are not supporting the GF is the fact that you said "former marital home" - it is quite telling!
And not at all unusual - my ExH lives in our former one and I now live in one - my DSD grew up here.
If you show that you are supportive of GF and perhaps meet her then this could help the situation hugely

What is their actual problem with her?

Tbh they are nearly adults. Why should dad be unhappy for the kids sake. Should your eldest not have a bf as you don't like the boy? It sounds like there thinking of her as a replacement of you and you need to advise this isn't the case. He can see the kids without the gf there going forward and when they go on holiday kids csnt go as they don't like her.

I get really happy when my ex husband meets someone as I want him to be happy we both should be happy. You need to be more support

I wouldnt do anything if I was you OP, just be there to support your kids. ExH hasn't exactly handled the situation perfectly, but hes entitled to have a relationship and move that person into his home if thats what he chooses.
Your kids are old enough to understand this and to respect it. They cant dictate their dads relationships. If they are still choosing to have 50/50 with him, then they also need to accept that the contact time with dad includes GF and if they dont like that they will have to cut contact down.
Its shit because iv been there, my parents split when I was very young so I didnt get a choice on when we saw my dad, it was once a week, and his GF was always there. Once I became an adult I now choose when I see him and its cut right down to every few weeks / couple of months.
Id just reiterate to your kids that this isnt something they can control, they either see dad and his GF together or they'll have to see him less. Im not sure what his GF has even done wrong, maybe you can try to encourage them to give her a chance to make things easier all round.

as a step parent to two who absolutely had no thought given to them and many many relationships thrown in to their lives - it sucks!!! It sucks because you just want the parent to parent. Parent how they do outwith a relationship…a relationship that you say is rocky. all you can do is support them by listening, don’t get involved and get them all in therapy. absolutely ridiculous that it’s needed but it is.

in our case, one lived with us, one spent as much time as possible with us - to avoid the other home and did so until 18+. one has no relationship with mum and one does but wishes they weren’t (this one has also just completed 9months of intense therapy because mum prioritised herself/partners and still does, she’s selfish, rude and to a degree thinks her children aren’t for her to be concerned about, put them in absolutely ridiculous situations and was NOT in the least bit sorry for any of it!)

I see both sides tbh, yes he deserves to be happy, yes in an ideal world they’d continue the same contact they’ve had for X amount of years but if any aren’t happy then that needs to change. Would he have a meeting with you and kids to discuss? Is there something that you think would work for them all? a break completely for a month? He needs to know they feel let down, that he’s prioritising someone else and he’s a parent first. But they also need to know, he is his own person too, don’t always blame the missus because ultimately it’s HIM that’s doing the letting down. have you met her? the arguments they’ve had, what are they? Can they be rectified? Statements like “adults make decisions” are correct to a degree but not without thinking of the welfare of the children first…

I do feel for the kids, I think they need to see he does have their backs, does want them in their lives and that they are allowed opinion.
he, should also feel the same!!!

good luck with whatever happens, please come back and update us 😊

I was 13 when my parents split, and they both had partners they are still split and I’m in my 50’s, well, my mum is now a widow, but you get my point. Both of my step parents were awful, stepfather violent, a dad’s partner jealous, manipulative and quite frankly a horrible person. There is little you can do, or the kids, or at least from my experience. If she is the type to break rather than mend, then that is her personality and, she also seems quite deluded, selfish, immature and so on. Your ex appears to be weak, desperate and either unable or unwilling to put his kids first. You won’t change either. Just have to hope things get better. I have recently gone no contact with my dad, not solely because of his partner, but partly her influence. He’s a crap dad and it took me 40 years to call him on it and he hasn’t spoken to me since! The above is precisely why parents should always put there kids first. You just have to let the kids know it’s not their fault and try and support them as much as you can. Let them know, you will always put the, first, they need that security from at least one parent!

Me and my siblings didn’t like any of my dads GFs post divorce, but we all really liked my mums ex boyfriend. The difference is how we were introduced to them. My mum took a lot more care and told us when he was going to be at what event ect. and he didn’t try and parent us. My dad on the other hand would just show up to events with GF. I don’t actually think these women were awful (one was, she was actually mean) but we didn’t like them because they were thrust into our lives and would often try and parent us.

I think the way he has gone about this maybe isn’t great from the sounds of it, and you can’t re do a first impression. I also don’t really think there is anything you can do to “make” your kids like this woman. It’s not really on you, it’s on their dad and to an extent the GF. Maybe have a talk to the kids and encourage them to make a fresh start with her? Call a truce and start over, but that’s kind of a two way street.

I hope it gets sorted, because having a step parent can actually be great. Both my parents current partners are amazing and I value our relationship. But it is really hard and as a teenager, it can be very hard to navigate, so I really feel for your kids.

Nothing you can do
It's their house not yours and Franky girlfriend is right they are kids they don't fall the shots on adults life's and relationships

If dad's moved on and happy then kids need to grow up and realise he deserves to be happy

So…the initial meeting between the kids and the GF…the daughter “came home three days early” from a vacation to get her test results, and found the GF squatting/moved in (in her eyes) in the dads house. So it sounds like the dad had invited the GF to stay because he thought the kids would not be there at all? Yeah, that’s awkward! Was he supposed to tell the GF, “okey, gather up your things and leave. My daughter has come home unexpectedly.” I don’t think any of us reading this would appreciate — after being invited to stay with a significant other for a quiet week — being told to pack up and split! He still handled it badly, but it sounds like he was put in a terrible spot by the daughter unexpectedly returning from the vacation.

Since you don’t mention any abuse or disrespect from ex’s girlfriend, I’m inclined to believe that your adult and nearly adult children are just being spoiled brats.

They’ll fly the nest in no time and find their own careers and relationships, sadly they are too naive and bull headed to realise just yet that their father deserves every bit of happiness he can grasp too, or will they want him swinging around his house growing old/lonely waiting on their every beck and call.

I'm not sure why lots of people are saying the Dad has been with his girlfriend 6 years, the OP and the Dad split 6 years ago and he introduced his girlfriend to his kids in August 2024 so probably been together 9 months or so.

I'm on the side of the kids, my ex husband has done the same to our DD who was 21 when he did this. Yes she is an adult but she lived between me and her Dad 50/50 when back from Uni and both houses were her home.
She may not have paid the bills or be on the tenancy but she should still get a say in who lives in the house she lives in.

The Dad, like my ex husband is a selfish knob and should have gone about things differently, why is there a rush to meet the new girlfriend?

My DD is now over a year since her Dad's new girlfriend moved in, 2 weeks after her Dad told her he had a girlfriend and their relationship is still very fractured.
The day the girlfriend moved in my DD moved out of her Dad's house and into mine 100% of the time.
In the last year she has seen her Dad for 2 nights and 1 evening. The 2 nights were Christmas Eve and the day before her birthday, just so she could get her presents 😱

He isn't that bothered by things unless she doesn't reply to his messages and then he starts asking what he has done wrong, he knows what he has done wrong and my DD has told him and sent him quotes about Dad's who put a new girlfriend ahead of their own children.
I don't think he has apologised to her but he did once admit that him and his girlfriend regretted how they went about things as he has lost his DD and the girlfriend has lost her DD and DGD - probably because it was an affair!!

I am so sad for my DD as her and her Dad were so close, she was always a Daddies girl. I don't say horrible things about him, I just support her and am always there for her.
She has an older brother she talks to and he says the stuff I don't.
She has also said to me on more than one occasion that she knows my house is safe for her as I would never move anyone in like her Dad did as she knows I don't want to live with a partner - that made me cry.

Please don't make the children do counselling with him and her, the children are allowed to voice their feelings without being told they are wrong.
Maybe in time if he actually spends time with the kids alone they can rebuild their relationship and oneday they may accept the girlfriend.

Happy for you to PM if you want.

You've done all you can

You don’t do anything about this. It’s not within your control. You should encourage your children to accept dad’s partners just as you would want them to accept yours.

I'm sorry but your DD sounds completely spoiled and entitled. 21, not contributing to the household but she thinks she can dictate who her dad can have living there? When she's only living there a fraction of the time? Is she for real? And it sounds like you've validated her.

She's an adult in her 20s with her own life. Surely her dad's allowed to have his own life to and choose who he has living in the house he pays for. I actually can't believe the audacity of some people.

I assume you missed the part where I said that DD is at Uni. How can she contribute to bills when she has no income 🤦‍♀️

Of course her Dad can have his own life but moving a girlfriend in with no notice to the place my daughter calls home is unacceptable.

If putting my DD first at all times makes me a bad mother than I'll take it...thank you 😂

So if you want a partner to move in you need your daughter's permission?

To be honest this one is on your kids. They need to accept their dad has a new partner. He in return should make time to be with them 1:1 from time to time but they need to do 50% of the adjustment here especially your eldest who is old enough to realise she should share her dad!

Keep out of this yourself, do not even agree with them if they are moaning about her as it is not your business. for once I’m with the dad, he’s entitled to a relationship, I’m so glad my kids weren’t judgemental like yours

No I didn't miss that part. But if she's not contributing she doesn't get a say. It's even more ridiculous that she's away at uni most of the time and not even there yet she thinks she has the right to dictate who her dad can have at his house.

Putting your children first at all times leads to spoiled entitled brats who think the whole world should revolve around them. Case and point being your post.

There’s absolutely not a chance I’d have my adult children dictating who can live in my own home especially when I’m paying all the bills and especially when there’s no reason to be against a new partner moving in other than jealousy.
Absolutely ridiculous and spoilt brat behaviour.

Dad was unreasonable to surprise the kids with gf’s presence in his house and she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

Realistically it’s time for the kids to decide whether their desired 50:50 is more or less important than not seeing gf. As adults/teens they must understand that there is only so much that they can control and you can love your parent even if you don’t see them 50% of the time.

Is there an element of stubborness because their dad is living in the FMH so the kids feel that the house is more theirs than gf’s?

Is dad also pushing 50/50 despite his inability to balance things ?

Is there an attempt to power play because there are more kids than just the gf and the kids are testing their dad by “interrupting” his time with gf?

Ideally dad will set aside some days of the week when his house will be gf free (for now ) but it was naive to assume that the patterns of younger years would continue indefinitely.

OP, your husband sounds absolutely awful.

But you need to stay out of it. This is his relationship with them. He clearly doesn't value them to bring a girlfriend to live in the FMH without a conversation.

Tell the children that they get to choose if they stay there or not, but it is not your relationship or place to fix.

They need to accept it or no longer see him.
It really is that simply, hard though it must be for them to accept.

You are no longer married, no living with him, he is responsible for his relationship with his children.

It doesn't read as if he cares a whit for them.