Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

Do they expect dad to stay alone forever so he doesn't upset them ? Your daughter is 18 she's an adult behaving like a spoilt child they are all old enough to vote with their feet if they want to keep going to dad's they're going to have to get used to him having a gf , they don't have to like her just be civil .
While he probably could of handled the situation better its been 6 years and he's perfectly entitled to have a life he shouldn't have to put that on hold because his kids throw a tantrum

Your daughter needs to grow up bloody hell is she 21 or 12 ? I'd be embarrassed if my grown adult child was throwing a tantrum over her dad having a gf . She should be living her life not demanding daddy's undivided attention and i suspect you are condoning her childish behaviour because it makes you feel like the better parent (redacted by MNHQ)

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Imagine bringing up a “child” like that and then boasting about it on the internet!

They don't really need custody arrangements though. Surely they start flexing around social engagements etc? Ime, 14+ is when teens start to manage parental relationships by choosing where they want to be on any given day themselves.

Having a paddy is an offensive term.

Having raised my kids through the same situation I'd say your DD1 really needs to chill, but she needs to figure that out for herself while you remain neutral and remind her she's always welcome at yours if that's what she prefers. I wouldn't touch any of it with a barge pole if I were you.

It’s a bit bizarre that they are still having set “contact” when they are older, your eldest is 18! Lots of teens naturally move away from such a rigid set up as they mature, especially when they have their own busy lives and peer groups.

I hope that you are leading by example and telling your eldest to wind her neck in and not to try and dictate what grown adults do in their relationships, rather than playing along with the outrage. I’d have been embarrassed if my DC had behaved like that when their dad met his new partner, I didn’t bring them up to be self-centred and rude.

Great post

I don't plan to live with anyone ever again so it's a moot point really but I would bear in mind my children's feelings on the matter.
The house I live in is our home and everyone's feelings should be considered.

I would never force my children to live with someone they don't want to or barely know, our home is our space.

No where have I said my daughter is having a tantrum over this. She can spend her time with whoever she chooses and as she is only back in our county for a few months a year it's hardly a daily choice not to see him.

I think someone else said I think I'm the better parent, I definitely don't, I facilitate their relationship as much as I can without getting directly involved. I do all the dropping off and collecting when she visits as he won't.

When DD was younger he was definitely the better parent and they were very close, I am sad their relationship has gone downhill.

I'd be refusing to chauffeur a 21yo around as well. Why are you still treating her like a child? Can't she make her own way to her dads?

She doesn't drive and we have no public transport as we are so rural.

The OP hasn't responded to any of the feedback, so perhaps she ghosted this thread. But just wanted to add my perspective as the GF, now wife of DH who has a stepson who dislikes me. I'm kind of a people pleaser, so for years, I tried to be nice to the SS who was 14 yo when I met him, even bribing him with gifts and favors. SS sometimes asked his dad to ask me to leave when I was staying with them, and dh actually did ask me to leave sometimes. I would comply because I didn't want to be perceived as the "evil" stepmom. But that lead to some resentment on my part. The fact is that I couldn't give SS the one thing he wanted: for me to not exist. The OP presents the situation as though the GF is the problem, and the kids are the victims. That dichotomy is suspect to me. One thing I've learned is that bio-parents have blind spots when it comes to their kids. Actually, I think it's a by-product of unconditional love, which is a beautiful thing. But it can lead to truly unfair treatment of the stepparent.

I am the same that I am the step parent and have done the same as u for years. Tried to pleaae my sd and the weird dynamics (her mum hates me and openly says so to sd and whoever will listen).

I am a decent person and only want the best for my sd. For her to be independant and be able to stand on her own 2 feet as an adult now she’s 18. Her mum appears to want the opposite and has always said she’s not to have a job and she has to go to uni which sd has done. I don’t feel this is what sd really wants but she wld never go against her mum.

Wev got her driving lessons for 18 months and 1 week before her test her mum has made a big fuss over a text I sent her and now sd is ignoring me and her dad which has been the worst grief wev experienced so far in our life. To not know if she’s happy, safe. I fully believe her mum has not wanted her to pass her test as she knew we were intending to buy her a car.

I can’t believe how over powered sd is with what her mum says about our house when all we have done is want to be in her life. I just don’t understand it.

The resentment and jealousy of some females in this world astounds me. Because the man has left them then they absolutely put a wall up between the kids and their fathers then the children are caught between feeling as though they have to choose. its ultimate punishment to the fathers because they don’t want to be with mum. And because these mums have no ability to have any insight into their own behaviours within a relationship then they just offload all the problems to the stepmum wen that couldn’t be further from the truth and they should look in the mirror to find the route of the problem.

It’s disgusting behaviour and I dont believe that theyr not aware of what theyr doing. I think theyr just so selfish annd care more about their own feelings over their children despite them pleading otherwise. If they loved their children more than anything they would know that all children deserve to have 2 loving parents in their children’s lives and they shouldn’t make it hard for the children to voice this. I feel this silent conflict is way worse for the children than anything and no wonder these young adults are so messed up.

Interesting and varied responses. Thank you to all. I didn’t go ahead with group counselling as not one of you supported the idea, and I was much swayed by the person who said they had been forced into that situation themselves and felt invalidated. I asked the children about individual counselling and they didn’t want to, for varied reasons, so I didn’t push it. My 18 y/o is now 20. To answer a previous question, she was new to uni when I originally posted and was coming home w/e’s for her job, which she no longer does, so no longer returns at w/e’s. To clarify, the situation arose 6 years post split, the GF is the first GF that dad introduced to the children. The problem was the speed of introduction, with the moving in being before any relationship could develop between children and GF. Dad and GF had only just met when GF moved it. The children didn’t even know her name, so it was a massive shock. The decision to move GF in was soon reversed as there were lots of fireworks from GF and kids. I think dad realised it wasn’t going to work. They now cohabit on his week off, which has worked fine. The children haven’t warmed to her. There were a few MN posters saying they had personal experience of being children when their parent did a similar rushed introduction/move in, who stated they never managed to reset the situation even years later. I think that is possibly likely to be the case here. The children asked dad to scale back, he did, though he did also choose GF every time over the children, which was upsetting for them (and for me to witness). I took heed from the many tips on this posting not to get involved and to support from the sidelines. It was upsetting that dad arranged many special events with the children and then let them down last minute. They are now are used to it. They still go 50:50 and still want a relationship with dad, I think he is very lucky that they still see him in a positive light. To answer questions about what GF did to cause children to dislike her, they said it was because she was dictatorial, shouted at them a lot, swore a lot and called their dad unpleasant names, and because dad chose to take his GF to events, letting them down, and their view was she had given him an ultimatum re who to take. There were many other problems, all suggesting GF felt insecure, such as managing dads phone calls to the children, removing his screensaver of the children from his phone/computer etc. There have been a few posts from step parents who have found themselves in situations where a biological parent hasn’t acted well and have felt unsupported by one or other of the biological parents. It was good to read from all perspectives. To answer another question, yes, I started a relationship too, just prior to dads. I waited a year before introducing my BF to the children, by which time I had decided he was suitable enough to meet my children, and they were desperate to be introduced to him. It was a gentle introduction, at the childrens pace (there was a guy poster who said he did it like this and it was a very successful way). Two years on we are still going at the childrens pace. They like him a lot and they have a great relationship. We are building up to a weekend away all together in May. There were a few posters who said the children were spoilt and rude, interestingly these were some of the comments made by dads GF about/to the children in the first throws of introduction. If they were rude and spoilt it was very out of character. I did check with them, they did agree there had been some rudeness towards her, they said they felt justified. I suggested they direct their frustrations at dad rather than to GF, but did accept that I would have likely behaved similarly if I had been in their shoes. I didn’t condone the rudeness, though did accept the children had experienced slights from GF and that GF (and dad) had mishandled situations. It was an interesting and uncomfortable learning curve for children and self. We had and still have lots of conversations about things. Try to see it from everyones perspective. My BF is very supportive and, as he experienced a split family as a child, is great at seeing things from the childrens view. We operate very differently in my house to dads. The children see and comment on the differences. I think it had made them very well rounded individuals. Thanks for all the replies, sorry if I ghosted. It was a confusing and stressful time for everyone and in the moment it is easy to get upset and lash out, so I kept my thoughts within.

The thing that jumped out at me, from your update, is that the three of them (age 20, 18 and 16 now?) still do 50/50? That in itself sounds a bit odd, in particular for the older two.

Why are you still doing 50:50 with older teens though, one of which is an adult? I see the girlfriend's point here.

I don’t understand what you think would be the alternative - choose one parent? Wouldn’t that be stranger?

When teens get older they don't want to be flitting between two houses in my experience.

Usually, as teenagers get older, they stick less to formal visiting schedules as their social lives take over. Having a 20yr old who does 50/50 whilst at Uni, (if I've understood correctly) is very odd, and I'm surprised an 18 year old still wants that sort of arrangement.

But there have been some very worrying threads about adults well into their 20s sticking rigidly to a pre-set visiting pattern.

I guess it depends, my cousins lived 50:50ish until they moved out, not because it was a rigid visiting schedule but because it was some distance between the parents houses and both were quite rural. They had friends and routines in both places and were there for that as much as to see each parent. I don’t know why other people’s ways of living would be ‘worrying’ to you. 🤷‍♀️ What would make more sense to you, for them to live in one place or the other?

Regardless, I still don't think that older teens should be dictating whether the dad has the GF to stay. As long as she treats them well.

Did you read the update? They’re not dictating and she doesn’t treat them well.

Hi, the children still want to see their dad. I have given the children the choice not to go to dads.

The children want to see dad. I have given them the option not to go. Plus they say why should they avoid going to the home they were born in because of the GF? I agree, though would prefer them not to go at all. I think it is unhealthy for their mental health personally. But they support each other and I think it would be wrong of me to stop them going.