Partners kids are jealous of our kids

[Mummy98736362]

So my partner had 2 kids with ex wife. She stopped them from seeing him for 6 years ( since I had our first child) he’s finally able to see them again but the ex wife keeps telling my partner not to bring our kids because his other 2 kids get jealous they are not spending time with their father. This is so annoying for me, I work full time it’s now impacting my work. I just don’t know how to feel about this? I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings. What’s your view on this? What do I do?

I'm sorry but surely the simple truth is that your husband is no longer available to watch your joint kids on the day you work. So you and he need to find childcare for them or switch your working days.

His kids have not seen him for 6 years and surely you can see that they need to be his priority on that one day a week.

For some this is true but there are also some who do weaponise the children against the other parent out of spite. There are SO many cases where problems with contact only start when the father gets a new girlfriend and then suddenly he isn’t allowed to see his kids anymore. Up until then he’s been fine to have them any time but suddenly he’s now an unfit parent. And the same the other way with fathers getting angry about mums new boyfriend.

I thought that too. I couldn’t respect or love a man who wouldn’t do everything he could to see his kids. It says terrible things about his character and morals.

Well if it was for such a good reason why is she happy for him to see them again? If it was because he’s an abusive cunt then surely a good mum would never want him in her kids lives? Not be saying he can see them but only on a particular day and make sure that it’s a day that’s massively inconvenient for him.

Reads to me as though the day is a saturday or sunday. OP says she has days off "during the week" AKA school days....

She stopped them from seeing him for 6 years

Disgraceful that he refuses to fight for his kids in court to ensure he sees them. Utterly unforgivable that he just didn't see them for 6 years. He must prefer it this way.

Then he can grow a backbone and tell her which days he can do, he can finally go to court and set it in stone or he can do as the ex says. This should be all about the children here.

Having read a bit more it appears to be all about weekends. It seems it's the weekends that are making the issues. Presumably because OP works weekends but has days off in the week. Nothing much can be done about that aside from OP changing jobs, or the husband finding childcare. If he really truly wanted to be in the first kids lives, he would move mountains to see them on weekends. If that means paid childcare then that's what he does.

But if he really wanted to see them, this wouldn't be an issue. By now both sets of kids would be used to being together. Was it wrong that the first mother prevented him from seeing his children, sure, so why didnt he go to court back then? Hes had literally years to sort this out, now its come back to bite him and hes being as spectacularly useless as he was 6 years ago.

Yes it probably is a day at the weekend.

I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings.

This isn't about your feelings, or indeed, the wants of your own DC. This is about your partner's DC getting to see their father on his own. Your DC have this privilege all the time. His DC don't. They have priority for time with their father.

Surely their dad needs to see them at the weekend, they’re at school Monday to Friday and probably want to chill in the evenings. Is it a practical blocker such as the kids go to a club on Sundays and therefore can only see him on the Saturday when you’re working? I’m just checking because it might be unfair for you to completely dismiss the ex wives reasons for only being available on that one day. What has she actually said?

One of these kids is 16. You can’t even get a court order for that child as they are too old. Why the hell is this being done through the mum anyway? The father needs to be making his own arrangements with the kids.

When you say no contact for six years do you also mean no texts or face time or anything like that? Literally nothing?

You think that’s fair on his older children? To only see their father, after a six-year absence, when he's with the younger "replacement" children he lives with and sees every day?

He sounds like a feckless idiot. Should have fought for his kids years ago. Let him sort it out.

The chronology makes no sense.

I would very much doubt this is anything to do with the ex wife whatsoever.

More likely, the kids only want to meet at the weekend, understandably.

No nor do her posts. And she's not been back since page 2.

Realistically there is going to be a period of adjustment, whilst the older children get into the swing of seeing their dad again. 6 years is a long time to not have regular contact with anyone, let alone a parent.

You and your dh probably need to come up with a plan for how that looks and how longer term, time can be spent with their younger siblings, altogether etc.

There is absolutely no point in debating the rights and wrongs of the 6 year hiatus at this point, it is done and no amount of criticism now will undo it.

I don’t see much point in your husband going to court at this point, both children are of an age where their views will be considered and they will have views about not seeing their father for 6 years.

If he was bothered about seeing his kids, he would have fought for them. There is nothing or no one who would stop me, or any decent parent, from fighting to see their children.

I don’t care whether or not the ex tried to stop him from seeing the children or her reasons for it. The fact that she succeeded in doing so for 6 years is completely on OP’s DH.

He clearly was and still is a shit dad. I am also not holding back any judgement towards OP for enabling and defending his terrible parenting either.

Your husband needs to man up.
He needs to plot his work and child care arrangements on a spreadsheet and state the other days which he is available to see his older children.
His ex needs to be told that the older kids can see their Dad whenever he is not at work but if they want to see him ALONE then only days XxX are available.
It is unreasonable that the older kids can not comprehend that their father needs to look after minor children sometimes.
They need a reality check.
Their young siblings are not bags of potatoes.

The children who have been abandoned for 6 years need a reality check? Not the man who abandoned them and now needs to step up as a parent?

Tbh I’d be surprised if the older kids have even been consulted at all on this.

I don't think he should make demands like that at all. He's spent 6 years not making any effort to see them and then when they do come back to him and say they would like to re-build a relationship with him he can't put in restrictions such as I can only see you on X days at X time because the rest of the time I'm with my other kids who I live with. He needs to make some sacrifices, at least until his relationship with his older kids are more secure, and if that means getting a babysitter in for a few hours on the weekend then that's exactly what he should do.

OP, you haven’t yet said whether there is any possibility of changing your working days; I know you shouldn’t have to but this could be the simplest, anything-for-a-quiet-life option if your n manager will allow it. However, I do think your DH is somewhat reverting to type when the signs were there early on. I also agree with the PPs who point out that you DSC will soon be of an age where their DM does not have to be involved in contact arrangements; One could be driving in a year-18 months!

Your title is unfair and mean. Your h could have gone to court 6 years ago and had contact with his older kids for just over £200 and would have been granted it. Of course the kids are unhappy not to have had their dad while your kids have him full time- have some compassion for the situation that they were forced into. They may have problems with their mum for her decision to restrict access too but they will have strong feelings about the fact that dad didn’t fight for them which is understandable.

Of course he needs to see the older ones alone unless the younger 2 are easy kids who know the full story about their dad and are politely going to sit and be quiet while dad spends time with the older 2.

I assume that the xw doesn’t know that you work that day and that day was chosen because it’s genuinely one of the children’s free days. It’s unclear if you live close enough for weekday contact to be possible but if the day chosen is Saturday or Sunday which is usually the days that work best because of school, the mum isn’t being awkward /unreasonable.

The real problem is that your h is still head in sand and won’t negotiate with his ex. Maybe there are good reasons why the day works for the older kids and it’s genuinely the only day that works during term time. Considering what a wet lettuce your h sounds, do you think he’s able to have some sort of contact time that keeps everyone happy?

I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings. your kids may have to suck it up that the older kids might never want to know them.

If my dad pissed of when I was ten and re-appeared six years later wanting me to play happy families with his shiny new kids I would tell him where to go.

And I would have 0 interest in meeting the kids he’d replaced me with.

But it astounds me that people are just taking as read the comment that the ex wife stopped him from seeing the kids.

We know that he didn’t see them for six years.
We know that he never bothered to go to court.
But we don’t actually know whether the ex wife stopped him from seeing the kids, all we have to go on is a 3rd hand reference to that from a woman who was happy to move on with him and have his replacement children.

Go and look at the relationships boards, at the posters who say they got together with a man who swore blind the ex never let him see the kids. Only for them to split a couple of years down the line and the ex to be putting out that same statement about them. it’s a script.

Of course there are ex’s who use their children as pawns.

But there are far more men who walk away from their children in favour of a new experience.