Partners kids are jealous of our kids

[Mummy98736362]

So my partner had 2 kids with ex wife. She stopped them from seeing him for 6 years ( since I had our first child) he’s finally able to see them again but the ex wife keeps telling my partner not to bring our kids because his other 2 kids get jealous they are not spending time with their father. This is so annoying for me, I work full time it’s now impacting my work. I just don’t know how to feel about this? I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings. What’s your view on this? What do I do?

Alone

Look at this from his kids point of view...in their eyes (and probably the story they have been told from their mum) he didnt bother to see them for 6 years.

I dont buy the whole "she stopped me seeing them..." He should have fought to see his children. He should have taken her to court. Not just accepted this for 6 years.

His kids are now old enough to decide when they see their dad. Its Telling that they still stick to the days their mum suggests when both are teenagers and could see him when they want, The 16 year old is almost an adult.

He has a lot of making up to do for his ill effort here if he actually wants to have a relationship with his kids. He needs to stop complaining this is all his ex wifes fault and put some effort in himself. If this means initially sorting out childcare for his younger children, then this is what he needs to do. But I suspect he cant be bothered putting this effort in and soon will once again stop fighting for contact and play the victim...again.

So he needs to find childcare for your joint children so he can see his children. None of this should affect you or your working. He finds, arranges and pays for the childcare on this day.

You partnered and had children with a man who has a track record of not being proactive and not taking full responsibility for his children and sorting out his parenting arrangements and commitments. He is just doing it again with a second mother.

I get it, things we think we can handle and let slide when life is easy ie. pre-kids, become much bigger problems when we have much bigger responsibilities. I dismissed my ex-partners small red flags too.

He had kids before he met you, unfortunately for you, they are a higher priority than you. For their sake he needs to re-establish a relationship with them, and due to the age gap, it does seem most sensible he does not bring along his younger children.

He now has an additional commitment to look after his younger children while you work which is a timing conflict. It seems like he needs to organise childcare for while you are at work, can he ask family or friends? Perhaps he can look for suitable local childminders?

I get it, it's annoying for you, but it's none of the kids fault your partner is irresponsible, so focus on the actual problem at hand, your partner taking accountability and responsibility for his obligations.

You had a kid with a man who already had kids. This stuff happens.

He sounds like a pretty rubbish dad then. The younger one last saw him when they were 6 years old. He will be almost like a stranger to them. I think he will need to rebuild the relationships with both of them, so he will need time alone with them without your younger children.

Why didn't he want to go to court? It sounds like he just gave up on them. What's he like as a dad to your children?

Yes, all of this!
Many parents both work full time and need to arrange childcare for heir kids during the day.
You H can also get a custody agreement having his older kids on the days you don't work, then the XW doesn't get to dictate the dates anymore. But I guess he "doesn't want to do that" either since he never bothered fighting for them foe 6 years?

Hi OP, you've had some really judgemental responses but of course you will get the backs up of any ex wives with crap ex partners. Yes, it's not great your DH didn't work harder to meet his kids but given how awkward/difficult his ex wife is he maybe didn't want a nasty, prolonged court battle. Some people don't deal well with conflict and compartmentalise (makes them weak but not bad people). And no one knows what he and his ex wife agreed at the time when she went no contact. A friend found out recently that the dad she thought had abandoned them had actually stayed away because her mum had threatened to accuse him of all sorts (meaning sexual abuse) if he went to court. She spent 25 years hating her dad, having a difficult relationship with her mum who was toxic and only reconnected in her 30s with her dad once her mum passed. That's an extreme case of course but not everyone can coparent in a healthy way and kids get caught up in the nastiness.

For your situation though - your DH should insist on days you are not working which also means he gets more time with his kids. He does have to rebuild the relationship on his own and the older one being 16 will surely need time away from all siblings - as that's the most damage done. However, given your DH can't handle conflict he now won't want to rock the boat in case she withdraws contact again. You need to accept he is not a strong man who will fight this. So sadly you'll have to accept it for the next year (and use childcare) after which she won't be able to mess around as the older one practically an adult will see through it.

Well he's a shit dad then.

I'd love heaven and earth for mine. Nothing would ever stop him.

Jesus Christ some men are awful.

Why would you go on to have children with a man who had no access to his current children and couldn’t be bothered to fight for them? He went 6 years with no contact because he didn’t even try and go through any court..?

The bloke couldn't even 'inconvenience' himself to go to court to see his kids.

I think this is the least of your worries.

So you want him to take into account his responsibilities for 'YOUR KIDS' but married him being totally fine with him being a complete spineless creature, being completely irresponsible with his previous kids? Ok, got it.

I would really love to hear the mums side of events. It's a struggle being a single parent. I bet she didn't withhold those kids without good reason.

He needs to go through court to arrange his contact days for days when he’s free and/or he needs to sort childcare for his younger children. She’s right that he needs to see his older children alone. He’s a grown up though and like all of us, needs to sort out his childcare situation.

Yes, it's not great your DH didn't work harder to meet his kids but given how awkward/difficult his ex wife is he maybe didn't want a nasty, prolonged court battle.

Diddums. No one relishes a court battle but most people would take the court battle over never seeing their children.

Does he work and pay to support his children?

So many questions!
Why didn't he go to court for joint custody of his children? Or at least some kind of visiting rights.
Why did the ex stop him from seeing the children?
Why is she now dictating when and where your DH can meet his children? If he's taking them to a play park because your younger ones can go there then of course the older kids will be pissed off!
Why isn't he telling her she's being unreasonable?
I can totally understand you not wanting to have your work affected if you have a routine already in place but that's up to your DH to sort.
He doesn't really sound like dad of the year though does he?

It sounds like she was jealous of his new family and took that out on everyone, including her own children. Now she wants him to continue dancing to her tune. He should continue building a relationship with them on his own, but eventually the children should all meet up, after all they are siblings.

My DH is the most laid back, chilled, don't rock the boat kind of person you would ever meet.

However, even he started court proceedings when he wasn't able to see his son. He did everything his solicitor advised (get a house etc) to ensure he could have regular weekly contacts. (EOW and 3 school pick ups)

I can't imagine loving a man that allowed 6 years to go by and not lifting a finger to see his kids.

I think the 'blame the crazy ex' gets accepted by waaaaay to many women.

(And I'm not anyone's Ex, I'm the second one).

I bet they are jealous. They're still kids and they don't see their dad through no fault of their own and now he has more kids he lives with full time 🤷‍♀️

This isn't your fault - it's his and his ex's fault.

But that's the situation you're in. It unfortunately won't be as easy or convenient for you as being with someone with no other kids than the ones you have together.

The older one will be 18 in a couple of years and hopefully at uni or working. So I think you just have to make it work as best you can for the next few years

He needs a court order stating the organisation of the visits. And really should have done that right from the start.

The ex is being controlling. First by stopping the dcs to see their dad. Then by stating it has to be wo their siblings and on a day she knows is causing issues.

So yes it is good for your DP to see his older children on his own. It’s also good for those dcs to meet their siblings!!
But the DCs are 12 and 16yo. Surely they can get organised between them? Wo mum having a say.

What are his dcs saying about all this?

So he chose not to see his kids for 6 years.

I would struggle to find a man like that attractive.

Well obviously the exes behaviour isn't fair, right, or in the interests of their children. And of course you should be able to work. But equally your DH will be desperate to see his kids and likely to go along with inconvenience for the benefit of seeing his kids. It's been made clear to him that he needs to play ball or she blocks the kids. I think you need to be more sympathetic to his position here.

I think you need to find alternative childcare for your children so he can see his older ones and hope that the ex calms down a bit over time.

Why do you assume posts that express criticism or disagree with the OP’s stance are from ‘ex wives’? You don’t need to have been on the receiving end to recognise that it’s not unreasonable for this man’s kids to need to see him on his own.

I am not an ‘ex wife’ but did find the tone of the OP’s post unpleasant (calling his kids – completely innocent in all this – ‘jealous’, for example).

what a pathetic woman
shudder